I had a major setback over the weekend and am really starting to question my commitment to really changing in regards to the misuse of my sexuality. I don't want to laden it too much with guilt since i know that is useless, but I can't help feeling so let down that I the decisions I made were ones of least resistance and not beneficial to longer-term goals.
I recently read a book by a British survivor of the Burmese Death Railway. He tells a harrowing account of how a ragged group of half starved, emaciated Allied survivors were being marched from one wretched camp to another by Japanese guards who beat them, occasionally to their deaths, if they flagged.
I was asking myself recently what I want from sex. There seem to be three things. First and foremost, it's to quell an itch, or satisfy a hunger. There's a very basic need in me that rises to the surface and asks to be met. This is appeased by any sexual activity; but it keeps on rearing its head until, traditionally, orgasm occurs. Secondly, there's a desire for what I call sexual trance. That's a state that I recognise primarily through a complete absence of thought.
as I wrote a few days ago, i made one week (again) and then had an orgasm party over weekend..no porn but still had conventional sex a few times. Funny this is always on Sunday and my Monday blues I always attributed to work but maybe its not work. hmmm...Anyway, the same feelings the next few days are present - feel down, depressed, disconntected from others, VERY lethargic, sleepy, no energy..etc. So, I know this is a Dopamine drop and Seratonin too (i think) from the orgasms. Now I am trying to figure out what i can do the balance things in my brain a bit.
I should have heeded my own advice about being cautious around the two week mark! I have read accounts of valley orgasms and "internal" orgasms. My experience of valley orgasms in the past was that both my partner and I would just ride waves of pleasure as we got closer to orgasm and then back off of it before going high again, experiencing a lovely, long lovemaking session with many high points but without the direct, linear road to conventional orgasm.
good news: still no porn (going on more than 3 weeks) and passed up a few opportunities for "extra curricular" sex with former partners and potential new ones - ("yea!")
bad news: had addictive sex with my partner last night and orgasmed. twice.(faint and off-tune "yea")
My latest epipheny is that I often make something more complex and hard than it actually is. I have identified with being addicted to pot and have assumed that breaking the addiction would be hard. I'm realizing that it's a piece of cake!
well folks, what i am finding underneath my acting addictively and numbing myself is good ol' depression. Seeing how my old ways to avoid pain clearly dont work and that I used this to cover my depression makes even MORE depressed! haha...but at least this is more real than an addictive numbed out state. i am trying to just feel it with out changing too much, although i am finding a good jog really lifts me out of myself and gives some vitality (no doubt dopamine).
Today i feel a bit more depressed then yesterday. But another porn-free night (yeh), although I WAS tempted (to rid the depression). I had Google ready to go, but chose not to and went to sleep instead. I have noticed my dreams are becoming more sexual...
Some thoughts/questions this morning ...
i wonder why 90 percent of my friends are women?
-Do i think one day there is a chance i could sleep with them?
-Do I get some healing/soothing Yin energy by being in their company?
There's a lot of talk on this forum about porn and unwanted sexual feelings. I've never thought of myself as being addicted to porn, or my sexual feelings as being anything other than 'natural'; but I thought I should reconsider this.