if nothing else, I commit to honesty here in my blog and to whoever is bored enough to read it :)
I had a major setback over the weekend and am really starting to question my commitment to really changing in regards to the misuse of my sexuality. I don't want to laden it too much with guilt since i know that is useless, but I can't help feeling so let down that I the decisions I made were ones of least resistance and not beneficial to longer-term goals.
I recently read a book by a British survivor of the Burmese Death Railway. He tells a harrowing account of how a ragged group of half starved, emaciated Allied survivors were being marched from one wretched camp to another by Japanese guards who beat them, occasionally to their deaths, if they flagged.
I was asking myself recently what I want from sex. There seem to be three things. First and foremost, it's to quell an itch, or satisfy a hunger. There's a very basic need in me that rises to the surface and asks to be met. This is appeased by any sexual activity; but it keeps on rearing its head until, traditionally, orgasm occurs. Secondly, there's a desire for what I call sexual trance. That's a state that I recognise primarily through a complete absence of thought.
as I wrote a few days ago, i made one week (again) and then had an orgasm party over weekend..no porn but still had conventional sex a few times. Funny this is always on Sunday and my Monday blues I always attributed to work but maybe its not work. hmmm...Anyway, the same feelings the next few days are present - feel down, depressed, disconntected from others, VERY lethargic, sleepy, no energy..etc. So, I know this is a Dopamine drop and Seratonin too (i think) from the orgasms. Now I am trying to figure out what i can do the balance things in my brain a bit.
I should have heeded my own advice about being cautious around the two week mark! I have read accounts of valley orgasms and "internal" orgasms. My experience of valley orgasms in the past was that both my partner and I would just ride waves of pleasure as we got closer to orgasm and then back off of it before going high again, experiencing a lovely, long lovemaking session with many high points but without the direct, linear road to conventional orgasm.
good news: still no porn (going on more than 3 weeks) and passed up a few opportunities for "extra curricular" sex with former partners and potential new ones - ("yea!")
bad news: had addictive sex with my partner last night and orgasmed. twice.(faint and off-tune "yea")
My latest epipheny is that I often make something more complex and hard than it actually is. I have identified with being addicted to pot and have assumed that breaking the addiction would be hard. I'm realizing that it's a piece of cake!
well folks, what i am finding underneath my acting addictively and numbing myself is good ol' depression. Seeing how my old ways to avoid pain clearly dont work and that I used this to cover my depression makes even MORE depressed! haha...but at least this is more real than an addictive numbed out state. i am trying to just feel it with out changing too much, although i am finding a good jog really lifts me out of myself and gives some vitality (no doubt dopamine).
Today i feel a bit more depressed then yesterday. But another porn-free night (yeh), although I WAS tempted (to rid the depression). I had Google ready to go, but chose not to and went to sleep instead. I have noticed my dreams are becoming more sexual...
Some thoughts/questions this morning ...
i wonder why 90 percent of my friends are women?
-Do i think one day there is a chance i could sleep with them?
-Do I get some healing/soothing Yin energy by being in their company?