There's a lot of talk on this forum about porn and unwanted sexual feelings. I've never thought of myself as being addicted to porn, or my sexual feelings as being anything other than 'natural'; but I thought I should reconsider this.
My self-loving experiments haven't gone far since my last post. I haven't felt like masturbating and meditating at all. It's no replacement for a real person to make love to. I guess I'm feeling lonely lately, is what it comes down to.
I have had some fun sex in the dreamworld though. Again, the sex in my dreams has become very playful and enjoyable since my deeper explorations in tantric meditation.
Feel so BLAH today. Energy is low, interest is low, late for work...ever feel like crawling back into bed and never coming out? that's what today feels like to me. (sigh) oh well...
Last night I decided to do my activities in a more centered way. It was OK, but kind of boring (why boring is such a four-letter word?). I made my dinner without the comforting background buzz of the TV, ate my meal slowly and in silence - being attentive to the food instead of shoveling it down, ironed shirts and carefully folded them, sat zazen for 20 minutes, read a bit and then went to bed. Great huh?
well, as posted in another part of the site, i went a week and then had traditional sex with my GF. Although i still havent looked at porn in 2 weeks, the sex felt addictive, selfish, and ultimately part of a bigger problem i have surrounding sex and sense of self worth.
I just had a marvelous success! The success of choosing not to reach any goal at all and still to be totally satisfied!
I'd like to share my journey from sex addiction and wholeness through this blog in hopes that it might not only help me in my recovery, but also maybe help some others struggling with similar issues. If some dialog or mutual support arise as well, all the better! I will continually try to keep relevant to the purpose of this website and will refrain from graphic descriptions. Ok...Some background info might be in order here. this is long so be warned. : )
I'm on my period and haven't been getting it on. But I HAVE noticed that since I started meditating more regularly about a month ago and have become more able to watch rather than act on my compulsions (for orgasm, affection from sexy men, etc), the sexual nature of my dreams has changed a lot.
We've had a couple of lovemaking encounters recently that have emphasised for me how difficult change in this area is.
On the first occasion, we failed to agree in advance how our session would 'end'. Things went well, initially. After half an hour or so of relative inactivity, I experienced an extraordinary merging moment, where I could no longer sense the boundary between my wife and myself. This followed a series of involuntary butterfly sensations of gurgling and contracting in and around our genitals. It felt supremely peaceful and I could have remained like that indefinitely.
However, I also felt I could go on indefinitely, and serve as required, and an underlying sense of this nagged at the back of my mind like a pressing appointment. I asked my wife if she wanted to continue and she nodded. It then became a matter of pride to assist her to orgasm while refraining myself.
I haven't masturbated much since I last posted. I sucessfully abstained from orgasm once and felt no loss at all from it. Another time I did have an orgasm but it was of a very different sort. I noticed that when I was breathe in, the anterior wall of my vagina, where the g-spot is, expands, and when I breathe out, it contracts. This is without any intentional muscle movement. I'm learning how linked deep breathing is to high states of ecstatic bliss.
When I was younger I practically held my breath when I masturbated, and noticed then that I didn't feel much ecstatic energy when I breathed deeply. Probably I was more focused then on the clitoral and up and inward pulling sensations alone and didn't know how to balance them with the outward pouring ones (and by this I don't necessarily mean ejaculation, tho that is the extreme version of it. still, there is a gentle releasing and vulnerability when the uterus is pushed down and the muscles are expanded rather than contracted, that is very open and lovely, and which is a balance to the upward pulling).