Day 1: A New Beginning

Submitted by 2young4this on
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It's been a while since I last posted, a little over two years ago. I'm back because I'm trying to quit P again. About a month after having gone 170+ days without P, I relapsed. Back then I didn't feel like it was such a big deal because I had accomplished what I truly wanted. I was no longer having problems getting erections with my girl friend, even post relapse. To me the reboot was a means to an end.

Over the last two years I have witnessed my P habits evolve. Gradually I have built tolerance, requiring more and more novelty to get me going. Realizing this, over the last year and a half I've been on and off trying to reboot in an attempt to kick the habit. I attribute my failure thus far to not having the sufficient motivation needed to have the discipline to resist the temptation. Back in 2012, my inability to have good sex was plenty of motivation. Today that fire is not as strong, however I'm starting to approach a silver lining. The past year has been rife with anxiety and depression primarily due to a grad school entrance exam that I need to do very well on. The last two times I was scheduled to take the exam I had to void the score because my stress induced insomnia was so bad that I couldn't perform to the level needed to do well. All this stress had increased my P use and has only made me feel worse. While I don't believe that quitting P alone will solve all my problems, I do believe that it can help in some way. In addition, I'm going to start going to therapy soon to work out my anxiety issues that have plagued me my entire life. Hopefully the combination of therapy and no P will help me be in a better state when I have to take the test again in a month and a half.

I have struggled with the idea of whether to restart this blog or not. Initially I felt some embarrassment because of how far I have fallen since my successful stint over 2 years ago. But now I don't feel like that anymore because I remember how nice and supportive everyone is on this site. I am very exciting to be a part of this community again.


I do want to quit

My biggest challenge is trying to convince myself that I am not missing out on something good. Whenever I relapse it always feels so good, like finding 20 bucks in your jeans pocket good. But that only usually lasts for a couple sessions, then it gets harder to sustain the same level of elation. I've definitely hit my tolerance and there doesn't seem to be anywhere left to go with it.