Marnia and friends,
It is not even three weeks since I found your site, and it has brought a complete renewal to my marriage of 39 years. I am so grateful.
I came across the site as I was doing a search for the relationship between oxytocin and dopamine, which I was researching for other, more general reasons. When one of your linked science articles came up and I read it, I was very interested, but as one link led to another, I began to ask: what sort of site is this? (I don’t do sex sites.) Is it some kind of super-soft porn, gateway to the big leagues? No, here is one story after another about men who have given up porn – because they lost their appetite for it. And in favor of faithful relationships. Wow! And with kids who like having parents in love. That’s refreshing!
So I kept going, — and learning about the dopamine drop after orgasm made so much sense. I had just been complaining to a friend – that I found sex so demanding, and that even if I made way for my husband to climax two nights in a row, his attitude was not: ‘wow, you’re so cute,’ but ‘how about tonight?’ No end; never enough! I can’t do this.
It’s not that he’s a bad guy; but it was just so impossible. And it made me cautious during the day to keep my distance if I felt him coming on, because I can’t be there again tonight. So… never mind all those dynamics... you know what I am talking about: dopamine drop; that’s the story. Dopamine talking, dopamine begging, scratching, pleading. Dopamine never even grateful!
So that night, when he said what would you like, and I usually don’t have an answer because I would like to go to sleep, I said, ‘just stroke from my hip to my knee on my left side.’ He began willingly, maybe a little surprised, and asked me, how long? ‘Oh, an hour and a half,’ I answered. He about collapsed with surprise and amusement.
So that was the beginning of a long night of touching and healing. He did climax in the end, but I had probably five or six hours of touch, on and off during the night, and I knew I didn’t have to climax, so I didn’t even try, and I explained why. Of course he didn’t take it seriously – what’s one website compared to a lifetime of knowing what’s supposed to happen?
But that was the beginning. It was a few days before he was ready to try giving up his own climax, and a little longer before he did his own reading, but the healing went forward anyway, because I knew what I was doing and what would help us to go forward. Keep touching, keep stroking wherever intuition suggests, and if he starts to heat up, just lay my hand on his penis and be still and hush softly. I would never ever have thought that would be a good move!
Eventually, he was willing to give it a few days and then had a more obvious dopamine drop, (as in: thought I was an idiot over some small thing) but I was ready and had no hurt feelings at all. It actually amused me. So this is how it works! Really!
Nevertheless, all day, every day, our relationship was changing, because when he touched me, I was happy and melting instead of resistant. So it changed the whole relationship, not only bedtime.
I got your book, Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow, and then…
Okay, I need to make a distinct post about this.
Marnia and friends,