sleelping together

Submitted by 39plus on
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As a child, seeing the phrase “slept together” I thought it meant people slept together. Even when I knew about sex, I still assumed it was followed by “sleeping together.” I didn’t know it could mean: then he turns over and snores and you lie awake with long thoughts, long rosaries, children’s needs, or just long crying.
Worse things could happen. I didn’t deal with unfaithfulness.
But I’d wonder. I wasn’t climaxing well, sometimes not at all. So was I just hung up? Was that the problem? And how do you get unhung up? Of course there’s stuff there to help, but I found it useless or even revolting.
Worst was the days when I’d think I’d done well, and the next morning, he’d be ‘lookin forward to tonight!’ or else grouchy. Lookin forward? Well, I’m not; I’m tired. And why grouchy? I thought that if you made love, love would grow, not grouchiness. Oh well. Guess I’m not perfect either, but for cryin’ out loud! I’m not up for another night of this kind of stuff.
I was nursing for most of our first ten years. I notice that dopamine and prolactin are more or less complete antagonists. Well, that’s interesting.
So when I read your site, the grouchiness made sense! It was so freeing. It wasn’t my fault, and furthermore, if I’d matched his libido better, we’d both have been in dopamine drop and the marriage might have been seriously the worse for it.
You might ask: well, if he was grouchy, why didn’t you say so? Well, I said this and that over the years, but since we didn’t see what else to do, nothing changed. And lots of times, I didn’t even try to slow him down, just try to be loving, but no reason to stretch it out; I have other night projects and this is not my fave.
But now I can talk about it, not in accusation, but just plain vanilla and actually a lot of joking.
Now this is funny: the idea of going without climax for two weeks - ! - is horrifying. Not that it’s never happened (lots of times) but to plan it that way? “It ain’t natch’l” (Well, I point out: what’s “natch’l” is to go find someone else. Thanks for not doing that.) Anyway, partly in hopes of getting me off what looks like a serious continence plan, he’s very careful to be tender after a night he enjoys. And it’s never quick any more, because I’m not under pressure to climax and I told him it does not interest me. That pressure off, we take our time, and then if he comes to a finish, fine, and if not, finer. But either way, he’s very sweet afterwards.
It’s not “continence” of course, but that’s still sort of invisible to him. And I’m not in a rush to prove something, or even to experience something. It is true and obvious to me that the dopamine drop is still there, and it takes a few days to recover. I’m so glad to know what’s up. And recovery is softer with confident tenderness.
Still, there’s no doubt: being sweet by choice is not quite as amazing as choice plus that searing rush of undopey sensitivity that comes on a longer calendar, (also a choice).
But that’s okay. We’re slowing down.
And anyway… we sleep together.

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Somehow understanding the biology

behind the strange feelings makes a huge difference sometimes. It did for me...but funny thing, I still have trouble reining in my projections after an inadvertent orgasm, so I'm much happier not "going for it." I love the harmony and playfulness that reigns.