Day 10: A New Hope

Submitted by addicted_to_pron on
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So in addition to not jackin' it (no PMO) I decided to flat out stop checking out girls in reality, stop thinking about girls, stop thinking any romantic, sexual or scheming thoughts for 7 days.

You see, to make a very long story short, I gave up porn when I realised its negative affect to me throughout my life. Today I realized the negative the effects of obsessing over girls all the damn time. I mean I must spend about at least 50% or more of my time spent thinking about and scheming "how to deal with" whichever girl is on the radar. And I realise that I don't feel great when my head is doing such scheming. But ironically, this fucks me up in real life, as I snatch defeat from the jaws of victory is the majority of girls I meet!

I think about other areas of my life: family, friends, career... all areas which are flourishing but, ironically, I never spend time thinking about! As Paul wrote, "the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment." So freakin true. Today was the last straw: during a government test, I found myself thinking about this girl that I went on a date with on Friday (it was OK, she was boring but hot) and whether I should ask her out on Valentine's Day. It was not just once, it occurred to me about 5-6 separate times within 90 minutes. Then I realised that I had been like this all my life and the same things that happened with me all my life: I get weird and unnatural when things get real with a girl.*

I realised that at its core, these thoughts sprung from deep anxieties about courtship and attracting women. I tried to trace this anxiety and found it in several sources: parental anxieties, the need to achieve sexual confidence, the history of rejections. A while back, I thought I would alievate it by forcing myself to approach girls at bars, which I did, with great courage to do it despite the anxiety. I figured that the more women I slept with, the less I would be afraid of getting hurt by one again. But this didin't happen and I looked inward and found this anxiety, this black pool or fear. So I've tried tracing each thought to its root and I have hit a wall: I can't find out any more.

Then I found out that porn and ED were all related to this and stopped PMO, which led me to start thinking differently all of a sudden. I am questioning thoughts I never thought I would have questions for. And I also realized that, despite all my progress, I am still freaking out and overthinking my relationships with these girls who, really, have no objective value to me: I simply want the sex and validation. And no matter what I do, I will always feel like that around beautiful women: reduced to a slave to my own mind. But then I thought, if I can stop PMOing by consciously blocking sexual fantasies, why not consciously block girl-crazy thoughts? Maybe I will have more insights! And come to think of it, I was girl-crazy before P and before MO.

So this is what I am doing... starting tomorrow no:
-approaching girls, even just to be friendly (because let's face it, if its a pretty girl its never to be 'just friendly')
-seeking out eye contact with girls (for the same reason)
-double-taking a girl, if I can help it (I mean, I will see her the first time, anything else would be unrealistic)
-thinking about M, N or Y
-recalling dates and picking apart interactions
-reminiscing about the good times

This will be quite hard and will lead to a further rewiring... I have a feeling this is it for the journey: this is the last stage, the big boss. The path has led here. I think I will learn something.

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* Of course this does not mean I don't get laid, I definitely get laid a few times a year, and I have my moments with the ladies -- but seriously for every 1 get, there's about 10 I don't get. More importantly, I am still weird and unnatural most times.

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