Day ? -- On and Off the Bandwagon

Submitted by addicted_to_pron on
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I'm not sure which Day it is, because I forgot exactly. I only remembered the Days because I used to write these updates, but since the site's been down, I just forgot.

At any rate the specific number of days aren't important. Basically since I started, I went 1 week without PMO, then 2 weeks, then 1 week, then pretty much its that I get hold it for one week, but give in. It really is just addictive as smoking, and who stops smoking in the first try.

So when I break down and PMO, I suprisingly don't feel as guilty, shameful or shitty as I thought. I would say "well, you've been watching this shit since you were 12, so its understandable that giving it up is hard. It was a big part of your sexual life." Essentially re-booting entails "breaking up" with porn. Like Odyesseus, who resists the calls of the Siren in The Odyessey. (Yes, reading epic books helps too).

So I know its bad for me, but I forgive myself if slip up every now and then. I don't know if this is a wise strategy, but it certainly seems the most kind strategy towards oneself. When I relapse, in the moment before I decide to do it, I realistically weigh the pros and cons: "well I can do this, but this will set me back by reinforcing my P-infested neural pathless, I will have less sexual desire when talking to girls in real life, and I will have less probability to getting rid of this ED." And sometimes I say "fuck it, I gotta PMO". But sometimes I say "nah... shouldn't, even though it would be great. You've been there, done that."

Change is slow, and one must be gracious to one's own soldiers.