New try - day 15

Submitted by Ahab on
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It's been almost 3 years ago since I posted here. I never gave up trying to get rid of the PMO habit, but never could pull it off completely. My usual pattern was 2 weeks of abstinence and then indulging, which sometimes led to a binge and sometimes to another 2 weeks of abstinence. Containing seemed to be the best I could do. But recently I decided to give it a new shot and dusted off this account.

My personal situation has changed in an important way: I used to be single but since almost 2 years I have a relationship. We can talk about sexual stuff, like my PMO habit and she is very supportive. Also, we cuddle for a long time every night we're together. I feel blessed to have such a great woman in my life and feel very connected with her.

My main problem with P and M is that it costs me a lot of time and energy, and after a binge I often feel ashamed. I also noticed that after a binge I feel less connected to my girlfriend. I fortunately have no problems with ED and desentisation in the penis. I've always refreained from watching extreme porn; somehow I knew it was not good for me and I hardly ever watched it. But I did notice the temptation of seeking out ever extremer stuff and I found it quite shocking to notice that tendency.

Today is the 15th day without P and M. I feel a little bit flat the last few days, but it is actually not bad to have a kind of rest, I'm very happy with Gary's website that took away a few concerns of me, like about the idea that ejaculation is needed for prostate health (a big concern for me previously). I also find it inspiring to read the accounts of other guys who have been there.

I started this time by taking a real good look at what prompts me to PMO. I use it often to avoid a feeling that I don't like, like emptiness or shame. It was good to become aware of that, as I don't want to live in denial. I've done a lot of emotional healing work and I feel that becoming aware of what triggers PMO has been a new step toward emotional health.

The second thing is the 'executive power' of my conscious mind. There is a possibility to say STOP when I'm slowly gliding down to indulgence in PMO, but often the executive power was not strong enough. I looked into why it is not strong enough. I feel that it is a case of some fear arguments (like:"You need this relief", "The itch will never go away", "If you refrain it will be bad for your prostate" etc) and not completely being convinced about the value of restraint. I found Gary's website invaluable for taking away some fears, and giving me the arguments to stay the course.

Comments

you are in a great situation now

so glad you have a supportive girlfriend and are cuddling every night. Dude, the more you cuddle the easier it is to give up PMO forever. Cuddling builds up Oxytocin and this makes you feel better, more secure, happier, and less into stuff that isn't good for you. Oxytocin makes kicking addictions much much easier. And especially porn addictions.

Now, EXPECT your mind to come up with these rationalizations that porn is okay sometimes, that just looking won't hurt, that you have to "test", that it is bad not to ejaculate sometimes, bla bla. Well, the fact is, you can and should stay away from porn completely. And if you refrain from masturbation, much better at this stage. 

The more you cuddle and spend time with your girlfriend in bonding the better for you and the more fun it all becomes. So glad you are back here!

First, congratulations on all your progress

And on your relationship!

Do you know what the trigger is? Time alone? Stress?

Here's another possibility: I'm always curious if too much orgasm is a trigger. It makes sense that it would be - neurochemically speaking. If you think it might be, you might want to experiment with karezza for a couple of months, just to see if it helps you stabilize. Karezza is for sex addicts (too)

Thanks Marnia, I feel blessed

Thanks Marnia, I feel blessed to have her in my life (and the feeling is mutual:-) )

The triggers seems to be coming from circumstance and my psyche. The circumstantial trigger is just opportunity: when I'm alone and have some time, the impulse can come. The psychological trigger is mainly any kind of tension, for example stress or a bad mood. Sometimes I feel a bit numb and then a lust for excitement can be a welcome distraction. And when I feel bad, the impulse makes me forget the bad mood. The 'petite mort' as a medicine lol. But recognizing this made me more appreciative of the impulse: maybe it is just a clumsy way of trying to help me. And another positive effect of my addiction is that it forces me to make my control over my instincts stronger, which is helpful in many area's.

About karezza: I noticed that after having sex with my girlfriend, there is usually a bit extra impulse to masturbate in the days after. Yet it doesn't feel like a big problem. In a way I like to have the release, because in the past I had trouble dealing with all the energy in my body after 2-3 weeks. If I keep falling back in my old pattern, it might be worth a try though.

Good reminder about the

Good reminder about the rationalisation coming up emerson. Yesterday I deleted the last pieces of P that were lingering around on my computer, and I couldn't say goodbye without a quick peek. Of course that meant that later on the day (and today also a bit) the impulse for indulging was stronger than before. I'm now 100% clean of any P, and also installed K9 on my computer to ban it for good.