Defining Intimacy

Submitted by Alexandra on
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Apologies for the length of this...it just feels good to get things out.

I have been having a slow revelation over these past weeks. While perhaps painfully obvious, I have recently begun to understand that intimacy is not a linear thing. Even after Greg and I had begun on this path of Karezza, I failed to notice that I was still applying a process to intimacy. In my head, the word had become defined as this vague idea of closeness. I told myself that there were things to do and steps to follow, in order to achieve this with Greg.

However, it took me defining intimacy for myself, and being truly honest as to what that meant to finally open up sexually to him.

In my daily life, I am extremely progress-oriented and I am glued to my daily planner. I strive on being completely independent at work and this has brought me a great deal of success in that realm. I thoroughly enjoy being the person that co-workers come to for help. I feel in complete control in that environment.

But that is at work. I had never acknowledged that I am a completely different person sexually. Despite my best efforts, I am not sexually confident and do not adapt to sexual situations easily. There is no way to maintain total independence during sex and have a successful outcome.

In order for intimacy to be established, I needed to be blatantly honest about that. It occurred to me that I deeply craved comfort from my partner. At first, this made me feel such shame. But for me comfort and intimacy are completely interchangeable. In a way I had to sit and meditate within that deep desire for comfort in order to be able to accept it. And I needed him to fully indulge it. Also, I had to establish sexual boundaries. For example, I felt very comforted when he would pay attention to my breasts. However, I felt completely out of control if he attempted to get near my genital area. Paying attention to what is comforting sexually has been truly eye opening.

Having that strict understanding helped me relax and each time has helped me trust him more deeply. Eventually, I let him touch me down there. It was not for a prolonged period of time, and he mostly rested his hand there. The experience was deeply profound for both of us. It was a moment that was able to bring me comfort. My attitude towards my genital area underwent a slight shift. It has not happened frequently, but I believe that it shows progress.

It has worked out beautifully as I have begun to understand what he needs for intimacy to be present; a deep validation of his masculinity. It was incredible to realize how these two needs of ours fit together.

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I've realized this comfort angle

I didn't get it before but it is very strong now. My partner seeks comfort in me quite often. She comes to me to feel better and I with her.

One thing this whole Karezza thing does is break down the barrier between "sex" and "not sex." And I think there is a lot of self realization that happens because of that.

Alexandra

I believe a big part of making the comfort and intimacy you talk about work for a woman is the ability for the man to do what I call "holding space for the feminine". I experience that women want a kind of "presence" from a man, an enviornment where she can feel her feelings, rest in her feminine, without expectation. The framework of karezza is excellent for this and your man seems to be very willing. Us men love to drink in the feminine beauty of you sweet godesses. Unfortunately, the legacy of the male species has taught us its is ours to take, which has had terrible concequences for both the man and woman. Simply by the man holding space without the taking frame of mind a woman can begin to feel safe to express her femininity and give her gifts as an expression rather than an obligation. This is exactly what the man really yearns for. All us men and women need to relearn our approach to each other and karezza is the best method I found found to restore the true balance and connection that we are built for as human beings.

Oxytocin

I had similar issues about being touched down there before embarking on the karezza journey. I allowed my partner to try pleasing me but I would tighten up with anxiety and would eventually become frustrated. I think taking the goal and pressure of an orgasm out of the picture really helps to change the focus of the intimacy to a far more emotional one. More than that though, I think the changes are greatly influenced by the changes made in the brain and the hormones. Breast and, particularly, nipple stimulation releases a lot of oxytocin. I find all my defenses melt and I become extremely trusting and receptive quickly when they are suckled. Now I have to be really careful because his touch is far too pleasurable and sends me into an orgasm very easily. I never thought intimacy could be this wonderful.

this spills over into everything

We are both much calmer, better able to handle adversity and happier now. My partner was rather anxious but now she is so much better. We spoke of this the other night. She said it has made a huge difference in how she feels about everything and her mood which is so much better.

I experienced a similar shift

and even saw chronic health annoyances (yeast infections, UTI) evaporate. It was so impressive that I immediately started writing a book, which took "only" twelve years to publish.

What's interesting is that a lot of guys on this forum are reporting similar benefits from giving up masturbation for a time (even if they aren't porn addicts): REDDIT.NoFap

Guess those ancient Chinese Daoists knew more than today's experts do about human sexuality. Wink