Apologies for the length of this...it just feels good to get things out.
I have been having a slow revelation over these past weeks. While perhaps painfully obvious, I have recently begun to understand that intimacy is not a linear thing. Even after Greg and I had begun on this path of Karezza, I failed to notice that I was still applying a process to intimacy. In my head, the word had become defined as this vague idea of closeness. I told myself that there were things to do and steps to follow, in order to achieve this with Greg.
However, it took me defining intimacy for myself, and being truly honest as to what that meant to finally open up sexually to him.
In my daily life, I am extremely progress-oriented and I am glued to my daily planner. I strive on being completely independent at work and this has brought me a great deal of success in that realm. I thoroughly enjoy being the person that co-workers come to for help. I feel in complete control in that environment.
But that is at work. I had never acknowledged that I am a completely different person sexually. Despite my best efforts, I am not sexually confident and do not adapt to sexual situations easily. There is no way to maintain total independence during sex and have a successful outcome.
In order for intimacy to be established, I needed to be blatantly honest about that. It occurred to me that I deeply craved comfort from my partner. At first, this made me feel such shame. But for me comfort and intimacy are completely interchangeable. In a way I had to sit and meditate within that deep desire for comfort in order to be able to accept it. And I needed him to fully indulge it. Also, I had to establish sexual boundaries. For example, I felt very comforted when he would pay attention to my breasts. However, I felt completely out of control if he attempted to get near my genital area. Paying attention to what is comforting sexually has been truly eye opening.
Having that strict understanding helped me relax and each time has helped me trust him more deeply. Eventually, I let him touch me down there. It was not for a prolonged period of time, and he mostly rested his hand there. The experience was deeply profound for both of us. It was a moment that was able to bring me comfort. My attitude towards my genital area underwent a slight shift. It has not happened frequently, but I believe that it shows progress.
It has worked out beautifully as I have begun to understand what he needs for intimacy to be present; a deep validation of his masculinity. It was incredible to realize how these two needs of ours fit together.