I'm afraid I don't know where to start here. It could be useful to know how Greg and I wound up in this situation. I apologize for the length in advance.
I'm 25 and have a fantastic career and have been with my partner a bit over a year now. Though we have always had a wonderful relationship, it has been complicated by sex. In my childhood I experienced a high degree of sexual trauma that I did not acknowledge out loud for the greater portion of my life. My first few attempts at dating were disasters.
I was relieved when I began dating Greg. We were happy together and I was just so happy that this wonderful person wanted to share his life with me. Despite everything that happened when I was younger, I was always sure that there was some way in which I could heal. I tried numerous things but when it came down to it, a very intimate sexual relationship felt impossible. I deeply desired a strong sexual connection but had no idea how to find one. Though there were times I enjoyed sex, even with Greg, making love often left me empty, sad, confused, or even sick. Invasive thoughts would take over and I would completely disconnect from the situation.
These experiences worried Greg greatly. He suggested perhaps that I go to talk to someone, and he would go with me if I wanted. So we did but it ended up being a torturous experience. I did not want to talk about what had happened. That never made sense to me, talking about very painful things. It only led to more pain. I did not need to re-experience those things. So, things got worse for us. He eventually backed off from me sexually and I became frustrated thinking that he did not want me.
The thing that was most difficult for me with sex was the goal of the orgasm. We both wanted nothing more than to please each other that the entire experience was rushed and disconnected. We had defined "great" sex as us both finishing. And even though I could get there, I still had all these awful feelings afterwards.
So I began doing research and heard about this kind of sex. The idea intrigued me but it never seemed reasonable or realistic. And I thought for certain Greg would not go for it. Not having orgasms just seemed to defeat our own definition. But I could not really get the thought out of my head. So I approached him with information, let him look at it, and waiting nervously before he said something. But he didn't say anything right away. We were laying in bed as this happened and I just felt his arms wrap around me and he held me for a few minutes. I knew then that this was the beginning of something.
He expressed his excitement, curiosity, and desire to try this. I told him that he could still orgasm if he wanted to and he looked at me like I was crazy. "I want this too," he told me. And I could tell he really meant it. His reaction made me fall in love with him all over again. I have never felt more understood or cared for in my life.
So we began by not having sex and discontinuing any orgasm. I think this was more difficult for me than it was for him. He was the one encouraging me the whole way to really give this a try. We'd spend time undressed just holding each other, kissing, and touching. I felt completely different and better almost immediately. I began to look forward to these times at night but I felt my desire for him growing rapidly.
Eventually, it happened. We really tried it for the first time. We truly had no idea where the begin, or what exactly to do. Before this we had only ever had sex in the missionary position, but I felt so wonderful that we tried various positions. We just lay still with him inside of me. It was so difficult not to completely release but we were both feeling so serene. I have never felt so present and alive and in control during sex.
What is even better, after awhile, he whispered, "Let's stop here for now." I protested a bit but he just smiled kissed me. "This is the first time, we don't need to rush anything. So we stopped. For some reason...seeing a man show such sexual control was very healing for me. He did not just want to have sex with me to get off. He truly wanted to be with me. He was still hard when he withdrew and afterwards we lay there still undressed just holding each other and kissing.
But words cannot describe how happy I am.