I Don't Know What Happened

Submitted by Alexandra on
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I realize that I have a lot of anxiety so I apologize for that...

Anyways, something has changed and I feel sick and troubled by it. Things were great, wonderful even. And then they weren't. Both of our attitudes completely shifted away from the positive place we had been. The past few weeks we had been so happy on our new journey and completely in union with each other.

This weekend however, I found myself wanting to be completely controlled by him sexually. And while this is not the first time I've had thoughts like this, it is the first time either of us acted on it. I am having a difficult time understanding whether this is healthy sexual exploration or a very negative thing. It wasnt that it was particularly rough, but mentally he was in complete control. It was arousing for both of us and on one had it seems good that we are now comfortable enough with each other to do different things or act on fantasies. Yet it left me feeling confused. While I found it both sexually and mentally satisfying I also felt further away from him. It seemed like such a different level of connection than what we had experienced with the gentle lovemaking. But we stayed non-orgasmic throughout.

I guess I am just not sure where this came from and if this has a place or not within karezza.

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don't apologize

let us in on your journey and don't be concerned about telling us anything. That's the beauty of this type of forum.

How long have you been having sex? Probably a long time.

How long have you been doing non-orgasmic sex?

A very short time.

This stuff takes months to really get into the groove on. It took me about 5 months and we're still getting there but only in the past month has it become really comfortable for both of us. Even 30 days ago there were still some major issues for us. And I'm sure we'll continue to grow each time we practice.

That stuff will put you further away from your partner mentally, that's for sure. But it's old patterns and they need to play out, perhaps. And it really is just play. Nothing more. Just enjoy and see where you are each day. Maybe some good cuddling and connecting would be helpful to bring things back into balance?

Alexandra~

I wouldn't worry about it...

Part of this journey for me, has been learning to let myself go, to become completely vulnerable, open and receptive to the man I love (which is why tantra/karezza really works best with someone you trust implicitly).

I've had to "unteach" myself how to have sex...society/media/porn/whatever teaches women we are supposed to be aggressive and dominating...but in actuality, this is not our comfortable place and it does not allow a man and woman to exchange energy~~when a woman is the aggressor, it closes her body to the man and he cannot flow through her.

When I allow myself to relax and go with the flow, letting him be a dominant male, it makes me feel the way I've always thought I should feel during sex...womanly, cherished, beautiful, open, loving, sensual. And for him, it allows his masculine energy to flow right through me rather than get knocked back because I'm closed off inside. It becomes so obvious the longer you do it. I've learned to relax my pelvis rather than brace it against him (we were taught at some point that we need to "push back" on the man in order for him to think we are engaged and enjoying ourselves). The feeling I get from being so relaxed is euphoric...it doesn't mean you are submissive, it just means you are receptive.

So perhaps this is just a new chapter in your book and your male/female energies are surfacing~~and will settle down as you continue to practice.

Just enjoy the ride~ Smile

The sexual areana has a

The sexual areana has a pretty big playing field with many experiences to have. Sounds like you're playing with some new possibilities. In my opinion if you are both enjoying yourselves then its all good. If you're not orgasming then you're not disconnecting. To me thats whats important. You're in the karezza ballpark.. Nothing wrong with getting a little frisky and trying new things. Good sexual relationships are dynamic, exploring new territory is all part of the journey.

You are all such wonderful

You are all such wonderful people and I appreciate you taking the time to help me with this.

Darryl-"Good sexual relationships are dynamic." -Thank you for putting it that way. I think that I have begun putting the karezza ideal into its own bubble. As if there so no room for anything else. It is just hard to know how much of that "else" to allow in. I suppose it will take some experimenting.

emerson-Did you find that over time your general attitude towards sex changed? The thing that concerns me is that I am unsure if it was actually "just play"...it felt like something more. It feels sort of perverse to admit that. Maybe taking a break and just cuddling would do me some good.

Rachel - I suppose the thing that made me uncomfortable about this is that I wanted to "submit" to him. I wanted to have no say about anything. Thinking about it now, I find it disturbing that I could want that. And maybe I am holding back from fully admitting that.

I love the way you explain it as a sort of exchange. And I do agree that society has negatively altered many peoples' views regarding sex. But would your response to me change if I were to suggest that I actually do desire submission to him? It feels wrong to even type that here. I do not know what I am "supposed" to want, or what is "normal" to want. I just feel like a wacky Stepford Wife as I think about this.

Alexandra wrote:

[quote=Alexandra]You are all such wonderful people and I appreciate you taking the time to help me with this. Darryl-"Good sexual relationships are dynamic." -Thank you for putting it that way. I think that I have begun putting the karezza ideal into its own bubble. As if there so no room for anything else. It is just hard to know how much of that "else" to allow in. I suppose it will take some experimenting. emerson-Did you find that over time your general attitude towards sex changed? The thing that concerns me is that I am unsure if it was actually "just play"...it felt like something more. It feels sort of perverse to admit that. Maybe taking a break and just cuddling would do me some good. Rachel - I suppose the thing that made me uncomfortable about this is that I wanted to "submit" to him. I wanted to have no say about anything. Thinking about it now, I find it disturbing that I could want that. And maybe I am holding back from fully admitting that. I love the way you explain it as a sort of exchange. And I do agree that society has negatively altered many peoples' views regarding sex. But would your response to me change if I were to suggest that I actually do desire submission to him? It feels wrong to even type that here. I do not know what I am "supposed" to want, or what is "normal" to want. I just feel like a wacky Stepford Wife as I think about this.[/quote]

I think this sort of thing fades away on its own. I think you shouldn't deny yourself the pleasure of submission and the feelings of that. Why not go there for a bit. It feels wrong because it is very attractive in a dopamine way.

My experience was this. I was very interested in submission and spanking games. I have blogged about this.

I have lost interest in that and barely given it a thought. It just happened naturally that I didn't care anymore. The feelings from Karezza have been so overwhelming that submission and bondage games hold no interest to me anymore. I am sure they are there somewhere but the pathways aren't being fed anymore and they fade away that way. I purposely avoid feeding them and they continue fading.

I think this has always interested me even as a small child, but it's not something I feel interested in acting on.

I can't emphasize this enough: this all takes time. Calendar time. Many pleasurable Karezza sessions, and lots of processing that goes on between, and lots of bonding. As long as you do a lot of bonding and avoid orgasm it will all sort itself out as it should.

Thank you so much. Reading

Thank you so much. Reading your experience through your blog has greatly helped me here. I suppose you are right...why not? I trust my partner completely and know that he will be there to share in the experience with me. And hopefully we can grow from it. I am so fascinated on this topic now. I really truly appreciate your insights here. They've been very helpful.

No

No, I wouldn't change what I wrote if you had said you wanted to be submissive~~I just think it's part of the process you are going through and everything will work itself out (I agree with Emerson, Marnia and Darryl!)~~

Your lovemaking will change over and over and over again...that's why they call it a "practice"~~it's never dull and it's never the same. I do think our bodies have to go through some sort of purging process to get where we can just be peaceful and happy and not worried about who does what to each other. You'll get there!

Multiorgasm

Rachel, if I remember, you were the one who talked about squeezing the PC muscles. Is your lover multiorgasmic? Is he capable of orgasming without ejaculating semen by squeezing the PC muscles?

I was reading a book by Barbara Keesling, in which she talks about using the PC muscles to avoid ejaculation. I know that in karezza, if squeezing is necessary, then the intensity is too high, but I'm curious to know if orgasming without ejaculating can actually enhance the experience.