Time to put some effort into sharing my thoughts and continuing the journey.
Please forgive my honesty and length in this I write, I want to be absolutely sincere about my life (given the anonymity on the internet).
A brief summary: Male, age 35, never been in a relationship, live alone, virgin, puberty began somewhat 'late' (had my first orgasm at 15), and started masturbating through fantasy, porn magazines, and eventually porn on the internet.
Developed fetishes that I acted out at age 17-22 (probably when my testosterone and dopamine was at its highest?) and continued watching porn/pictures throughout my 20s. Would create 'skillful' computer paintings with myself and girls (photoshops) to fuel my fantasies.
In my early life I never really "longed" for a girlfriend: I would pleasure myself with masturbating/hardcore exercise/strict diet regimens to make my life interesting. I began buying pills (supplements) to improve my orgasms.
I would participate in the occasional drunk night out in town with friends from school/work, but to this day I have never actively spontaneously "hit on" a girl I liked, in a genuine manner.
Through my jobs I have had "crushes" on co-workers, but they would have boyfriends, and even though the attraction might've been mutual I'd never ask a girl out. Fear of rejection or fear of intimacy? Buttom line: It would NEVER have happened.
A few times I've been "offered" sex when out in town with "the guys", but I would politely distract the offer, and I (unfortunately) haven't been raped yet.. :)
In hindsight, I honestly wasn't attracted to them, I'm only attracted to certain kinds of faces/bodies. Otherwise I feel nothing "down there". Horrible, but true. Maybe because of my whacked brain from all the porn.
In my late 20s I finally began missing that special someone in my life and the intimacy with another human being.
I discovered reuniting in 2007-09, I'm not sure?, and read up on how much masturbation CAN affect someones life (and brain), and I started (tried) giving up on it.
I felt the crushing effects, and I began using pleasurable foods/drinks/caffeine/supplements to cope with this new situation. In hindsight they probably prolonged the "detox" from mastubation, but this day I don't CRAVE the daily wank and I'm not "addicted" to porn.
I have gone several months without ejaculations, and then I've had them in my sleep (nocturnal emissions).
The first year was very hard and I began feeling VERY lonely, but I still couldn't actively show my interest in girls.
As I've said I'm not interestet in porn anymore (maybe natures way; declining testosterone and other hormones) and recently I've tried "analyzing" why I'm not even stoked about "getting it in", in fact I suspect I'm afraid of the vagina. Crazy as it sounds.
I AM attracted to girls/women, but it's more a desire to kiss/cuddle, stroke their beautiful faces/bodies, and to experience romance with someone that turns you on. I don't want a platonic friend, I'm surrounded by women in my work and occasionally have a coffee out and I enjoy the company and the small talk with women.
So, recently I found a "someone" on the internet and I had my first real date at age 34. Jesus christ the ultimate late bloomer. :)
I felt *some* connection and we talked for hours and I felt she was ready for more, but AGAIN I "ended" it with a polite hug, and told her that we should see each other again.
She might've felt rejected since she wanted more that night?, I don't know, but she told me she couldn't make it for the next date I proposed, and I got immaturely insulted and deleted all her txts and information on my phone, and didn't contact her again.
So............ here I am, 2012. The virginity is starting to bothering me, I'm beginning to feel "weird" when I talk with people my age about sex in general (I have NEVER told anyone I'm a virgin) as I honestly don't know how it feels to have real sex. And, as mentioned, the sex ACT is not even attracting to me anymore. BEING with a girl is, though.
Women I'm interestet in, WANT TO have sex, and if I push them away, I'm never "learning" how to love the vagina as well as the woman. :) You can't just go up to a girl and say "HEY! you want to cuddle for 6 months, so I can be comfortable enough to escalate from there".
I've thought about visiting a hooker to discharge the tension and "get it over with". You as a reader may disagree, but being a 35 year old virgin, living in modern society, and NEVER having touched a girl intimately (I have kissed a couple times in a drunken state) is a HUGE mental blocker.
I probably couldn't get erected given the "shame". I even plan to take some erectile drugs to ensure I don't "fail". But Im 'still to afraid to pursue a hooker, and eventually the vagina, so might be a couple more months.....
So, is this really a story about being a hermit and virgin for life? Hopefully not, since giving up PMO, I feel the longing for female CONTACT intensifies and may eventually override my fear of rejection.
A closing remark: I've haven't been active on this site, busy with life and work, but I've read a little in Marnia's newest book, and I'm trying to understand my fear of the intimacy. I understand the fear of rejection may be partly rooted in being shameful about needing affection (I've read John Bradshaws work). Some men may be afraid of having sex, but it usually passes once they hit 16.... :).
I'm actually looking forward to the future and I have a feeling that I actually might meet someone special someday.
Thanks for reading, and maybe some of you can relate to some of it. I apologize for the "rambling" in places, I just wrote all this down pretty fast.
Please ask any Q's if there's something you don't understand. I have browsed the yourbrainonporn and reuniting sites, so I'm familiar with the basics about this issue.