I just came up from the sauna in the basement of my appartment. Saunabathing can be very mind clearing. What I realized during my time in the warm sauna tonight was that I have to find myself. I have to find the true me. When I got back to my appartment I felt an urge for writing my "insights" down and since I've been a lurker on this site for a couple of years I thought this was a good place to do it. So i registered and well here is my blog.
I'm 25-30 years old just fininish my degree in a good proffession. I've been single for almost all my life except for shorter romances and dates from about 3-6 months each. I've had some of those and a pretty large number of casual ONS too. The fact is that I look above avarage and I love women. I sometimes think that I love women more than other people do, but when I talk to my friends about girls I realize they are the same. I guess all of us guys are the same. Well, we are all unnique but I think what is different with me is that I'm pretty sensitive on dopamine. That, plus I'm an atention seeker. I like attention and I react hard on dopamines such as nicotine and pornography. I grew up with an alcoholic father who wasn't around too much and with alot of siblings in the family where I was the middle one, I started too crave for attention when I was a child. During this period of time I also developed a stutter which seemed to grow away when I grew up but then came back when I had a depression in my 20's. When I was about 20 I just realized that I was some what handicaped with my stutter. I was a light stutterer and people didn't even think about it, but I felt that I couldn't talk the way I wanted so I got a major hang-up on that. I got obsessed with my stuttering and of couse started stutter even more and got depressed.
I ran into this site 5 years later and I started experimenting with PMO withdrawal. I can tell you that I was masturbating several times daily to internet pornography from I was about 15 to 25. What I noticed was that I stopped stuttering if I didn't masturbate for two weeks! I also noticed all the other benifits that are discussed here too; happier, calmer, more focused etc. That was a couple of years ago and the quality of my life has increased tons since. However, I still feel that I'm not where I want to be...
When I first noticed that my stuttering disappeared when I didn't masturbate for two weeks I got obsessed. If there was a party scheduled, I planned that I couldn't masturbate from two weeks until. If I masturbated and was invited to a party the next weekend, I declined because I wasn't in my stutterfree mode. I planned everything in sync with my masturbation. I was so eager to show the"new me", the way I behaved when I hadn't masturbated for two weeks that I declined every social thing up until I 've reached that mark. However, once I got there I could just hold on for another week until I had to release so my socialising was limited to one of three weeks pretty much.
I'm not as extreme with the scheduling anymore. I've noticed that if I masturbate without porn I'm pretty much stuttering free anyhow. So if I masturbate every other week I'll be good all year around. Preferably without pornography. However... I'm obsessed with watching pornography even though I'm not masturbating to it. Lets say I masturbate on an sunday for example. On wednesday I start downloading pornography. I tell myself that I need to download some really exciting movies and then save them on an USB to PREVENT me from surfing on porn because then I know that I already have the best so I dont need to surf on it. The thing is that I fool myself over and over again, just to be able to sit and watch porn. It has even got to that extreme point where I sit and edit the movies for hours, so that it is as good as it can be, and then save it to the USB memory. But the next thay I feel that I just need some of this niche or that actress too then I'll be satisfied. So, I fool myself that if i have the best scenes save on a memory to prevent me from pornsurf. I get t to a point where I think I have all the scenes I need. The next day I sit with my laptop and study; after one hour I feel an restless and empty feeling in my mind and body and then I fool myself that I don't have all the best scenes yet.. and then I'm at it again. For hours and hours. I can sit for a WHOLE day doing this. Thats my problem today. I'm addicted to pornography.
In sauna tonight I realized that I need to change my life. I need to fill my emptiness with something. As I wrote above, my father is an alcoholic but he has also had gambling problems and been involved in cheating dramas with his wives during the years. Even though I rarely drink alcohol (because of my father and exercising) I suspect I got the gene from him, but I live it out with pornography instead. I'm pretty sure my father felt an emptiness and restlesness in the soul to since he had everything going for him and spoiled it all because of the alcohol. Family, work, money, friends. Everything is gone because of his drinking. And he really had it all.
However, I just deleted many, many hours of saved, perfectly edited porn scenes from my USB memory. Now I only need to know what to do the next time I sit with my studies by the computer and get the restless empty feeling where nothing is fun and interesting? What do I do? Take a walk? I really don't know. I think I will have to make a "hollistic approach" on this. Maybe meditation and stuff. What I really need to do is to find myself.
I was planning on writing more about other stuff too in this post, such as dating and my relationship to girls in relation to my attention seeking but writing this really got me mentally exhausted so I think I will do that another time. And if anyone reads this feel free to comment. All thoughts are welcome.