As usual for my other reboot for me flatline seems to be kicking in. There is less of a sense of horniness and more of a sense of agitation and being in difficulty. It sure helps knowing why I'm doing this, because fears and negative belief systems arise with the flatline state. I'm glad I'm doing this for its own sake too, because it is true and good for me not some externally imposed moral requirement.
My previous reboot I went a bit loopy around edging and lost my head over this girl who wasn't a good match for me nor I her. She was into self-love through masturbation and not available for intimacy of a nonsexual kind - ie, cuddling.and having her around brought on a slip because I felt so intensely about wanting to fuck her and so disappointed when it became clear we weren't compatible. So I quit the reboot out of that.
I got near or to 60 days, through physical willpower. Never again: When I focus on my top lines now and staying active, willpower isn't a struggle. I just leave no other option.
I believe I can create a great loving monogamous relationship with a woman. And I believe that this is worth doing for its own sake, for what I become as a consequence.
Edit: I've been reading about flatlining and rate of recovery. There are many sources for this problem:
- Because I was introduced to porn before puberty by my sister, there is a strong hit of guilt (because it felt really wrong at 11!) and porn in my sexual past.
- Because I was sexually interfered with at five by an older boy.
- Because I had sex with men mostly, and felt terrible as a teen not being able to accept being bisexual, and always feeling weird around guys and girls both.
- Because of addictive issues, making sex and porn drug like for me.
- Finally, because I gave up on real partners, males, and started solo practices, I gave up on human intimacy for many years and became independent from normal sexuality. Porn fuelled that, but it's a distinct issue.
So combine the bisexuality, abuse, addiction, and extreme isolation from intimacy, I can reasonably expect a longer reboot.
90 days seems to be common. For multi- addicts like myself I imagine it could take up to six months.
Second edit: I'm trying to get an accurate sense of what I'm trying to achieve here, not simply overwhelm myself with problems. If I had another choice, I'd TAKE IT. But I'm powerless over these sexual issues and need extreme measures. I'm grateful the issues are so brilliantly documented here; it helps me reality test and affirm that I am on the right path and I can get well.