My situation

Submitted by Anam cara on
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After years of struggle, yesterday I admitted sex has me licked. I'm done for good with porn and sex with men, especially done for good with casual sex with men, and I want a monogamous committed relationship with a woman I love.

The fear that's held me back is the obsession that maybe my sexual history with men and porn, and the practices involved in m2m sex, is so intense and long that I can't really attract and keep a relationship with a woman. This despite being perfectly able to do so! And the way I get around that fear is deciding I want a loving wholehearted relationship with a woman even if its not possible. I want it or nothing.

The other fear is secrecy. I've been with men in secret, only a few men know about the bisexual double life, and I have many warm straight friendships. Many of my friends must wonder why I have no wife, and they only know about my porn difficulties. I need to address both parts of the sex problem: the addiction to m2m sex AND the porn.

I rang a trusted support person. He said "I think you need a woman in your life". But because he's not versed in the brain science of the matter, he doesn't realise I also need a reboot. And I need to achieve some scary goals which having m2m sex has helped me avoid. I need both the goals and the reboot. I need to become my own man before I can share my heart with another.

I'm posting this here because this site's work offers the only way I know out of porn and sex problems that is healthy and humane. All the wise elders in my life have failed to solve this problem: either they are celibate or stale in relationships, or single and too scared to create the relationship they deserve.

That's my situation.

One last thing:

A mentally ill gay man online yesterday tried to blackmail me by threatening to tell my friends I have sex with men. I can't afford to care who knows. It's more important to admit what I really want and be honest about it than worry about what others say.


Funny how we get these little

kicks in the bahookie (as my Scottish friend would say) when we really need to make a change.

I think a lot of risky sex is more about dopamine than sexual preference. It's really easy to get hooked on the brain chemistry of "daring' and "edgy." So, you may be right. What's your game plan?

Game plan

Great question Marnia!

First I'll reread Cupids Poisin Arrow.
Second I'll write down everything I think of that can help and ask for feedback from my support and post it on here.

But I know I'll need much more help. I've got some help already. I've got a vague plan but by day 3 or 4 it's going to be really tough. I've been THERE many times before. I'm looking at completely regenerating the brain.

I also need any advice. Can you please suggest a way to deal with multiple cravings at once?

It's quite a formidable challenge, and I'm willing to work like hell to make it happen.

Marnia wrote:

[quote=Marnia]I think a lot of risky sex is more about dopamine than sexual preference. It's really easy to get hooked on the brain chemistry of "daring' and "edgy." So, you may be right. What's your game plan?[/quote]Some years ago I coined the phrase "sexual adventurers" to describe that sort of behavior. I've known several people that fell into this category; people that wanted to run the numbers (of sex partners) as high as they could, people that seemed to get off on being brazen about cheating on their spouse, people that engaged in sexual practices that they found abhorrent but hard to resist. Recognizing it for what it is would seem like a helpful step. It doesn't have to control your life.

Gary has been collecting some of the

"Best Of" advice columns here: They may have better suggestions than I do, as they're written by guys who have been through the process.

I often recommend the RED X, the Cold water technique (that's when you know you're really serious about quitting *shok*), this FAQ: I relapsed or am in danger of relapse. (EMERGENCY MEASURES) and these two forums: