After years of struggle, yesterday I admitted sex has me licked. I'm done for good with porn and sex with men, especially done for good with casual sex with men, and I want a monogamous committed relationship with a woman I love.
The fear that's held me back is the obsession that maybe my sexual history with men and porn, and the practices involved in m2m sex, is so intense and long that I can't really attract and keep a relationship with a woman. This despite being perfectly able to do so! And the way I get around that fear is deciding I want a loving wholehearted relationship with a woman even if its not possible. I want it or nothing.
The other fear is secrecy. I've been with men in secret, only a few men know about the bisexual double life, and I have many warm straight friendships. Many of my friends must wonder why I have no wife, and they only know about my porn difficulties. I need to address both parts of the sex problem: the addiction to m2m sex AND the porn.
I rang a trusted support person. He said "I think you need a woman in your life". But because he's not versed in the brain science of the matter, he doesn't realise I also need a reboot. And I need to achieve some scary goals which having m2m sex has helped me avoid. I need both the goals and the reboot. I need to become my own man before I can share my heart with another.
I'm posting this here because this site's work offers the only way I know out of porn and sex problems that is healthy and humane. All the wise elders in my life have failed to solve this problem: either they are celibate or stale in relationships, or single and too scared to create the relationship they deserve.
That's my situation.
One last thing:
A mentally ill gay man online yesterday tried to blackmail me by threatening to tell my friends I have sex with men. I can't afford to care who knows. It's more important to admit what I really want and be honest about it than worry about what others say.