Will Karezza help with performance anxiety?

Submitted by anotherseeker07 on
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Hi all, I'm brand new to this community and to this concept. I am very glad I found it. I am a 31 year old male, been married for about 8 years. I have struggled with performance anxiety pretty much our entire marriage. My wife is the only one I have been with, and I started having the anxiety even starting on our honeymoon (we didn’t have sex until after we were married). My struggles have been off and on, sometimes I am able to be with her without a whole lot of anxiety, other times I become panicky and totally overwhelmed and it becomes very stressful and discouraging. I would say we've had a few great times mixed with a whole lot more stressful, frustrating and anxiety-filled times.
This is been a difficult area for both of us. I know she tries to support me as much as possible, but doesn’t fully understand why I get anxious (of course sometimes I don’t either!). It has become something I hate about myself and wish I could just make go away, and a source of tension when we talk about it. I often dread situations that might become sexual as I can feel that anxiety welling up inside me. I also think about it all the time, wondering ways that I can stop having this happen and regain confidence. I look at other people who seem to be confident in their relationships and just feel depressed that we can’t enjoy this area of our lives without those painful emotions.
Our sexual relationship has grown distant the past year or two. I feel very discouraged as I feel it’s my fault, that my anxiety has caused us to be distant in this area. It feels like neither of us want to take the effort needed to confront these battles, so it’s easier to just avoid it. This is depressing to me because I miss that intimate connection with her. I feel like we are doomed to this area of our lives being practically non-existent.
I feel like our relationship is strong in other areas. We communicate well, and get along well. I don’t struggle with P or M (I was addicted to P when I was younger, but haven’t looked at anything in probably about 10 years). She is incredibly attractive and I love her and I know we are both committed to each other for life, regardless of what happens in this area.
I’ve been reading articles and posts on this site with great interest. The idea of removing the pressure of orgasm sounds overwhelmingly exciting to me. I *know* my anxiety comes from the pressure to perform, and when I’m not able to “get hard” is when the anxiety spirals downward. Taking that out of the equation seems incredibly promising. Honestly, reading some posts and articles on this site is the first time I have felt hope in quite literally years. A lot of traditional “overcome performance anxiety” sites just seem to increase the anxiety as they tell you “it’s all in your head,” which is easy for someone to say. But, as those with anxiety know, in the moment it doesn’t matter.
I’d like to hear from some other men. Does anyone have experience with Karezza helping you overcome performance anxiety? Any tips on getting my wife on board? I have not spoken with her about this yet, and I’m not sure the best way to bring it up. I know she wants a fulfilling sexual relationship as well so I would imagine she would be open to it, but honestly I’m not sure, I don’t know how she will react.
I so desperately want to have a fulfilling intimate relationship with my wife. I have felt hopeless and this site is the first time I have found a sense of hope. I am eager to hear from anyone who has any thoughts or advice for me.

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I'm sure guys will answer too

but I often hear that removing the goal does amazing things for sexual prowess. Wink

Also, if you happen to be particularly sensitive to the fallout after climax (which can ripple for days or even a couple of weeks), then skipping the orgasm will improve your mood and anxiety.

If the anxiety is from something else, then who knows?

Here's a thread with guys talking about ED and karezza: http://www.reuniting.info/node/10825

yep

you can get over this really easily. Stop masturbating, stop having orgasms. Tell your wife that you are not having orgasms for awhile. Let her have all the ones you can help her have. She may not like that you don't, it may not be easy at first, but it is THE way to get over performance anxiety. That and do a LOT of cuddling, kissing, skin on skin contact with her. A 30 minute cuddle session before bedtime, when you are not having orgasms, becomes AMAZING. And you'll never have performance anxiety ever again.

Welcome!

Edited to add: you may go through a temporary reduction in libido if you stop having orgasms. No worries, it's normal and will come ROARING back and you'll feel amazing, always ready for her. And powerful, masculine, centered.

 

Seeker

I have some thoughts for you but want to ask a couple of questions first. In terms of the performance anxiety, is it just about having good erections, or are there other specifics that cause anxiety like premature ejaculation? Also, do you masturbate much, if so, how often? Do the two of you touch each other much?

Thank you for the comments!

Thank you for the comments!

emerson: thank you for the encouragement! The thought of "never having performance anxiety again" sounds like it would change my life (not to over-exaggerate, but I really feel that way!). I know that times that we've cuddled without the pressure of intercourse (I.e.: when she is on her period) I haven't experienced any anxiety. So, I feel a high degree of hope that this could be the answer.

Darryl: I do believe it is mostly about having a good erection. I have had PE on occasion, but I notice the less anxious I am about having an erection, the less PE is a problem (they seem connected). As I mentioned in the first paragraph, when I know intercourse isn't an option, anxiety completely disappears, so I know this is all possible.

I do masturbate on occasion, but I've usually done it "to relieve the pressure." After reading stuff on this site, I feel quite comfortable giving it up entirely. I've gone long periods without doing it before, and I think it wouldn't be a problem to do that. I'm not sure what you mean by "touch each other" ... we hold hands frequently, we kiss sometimes, but sensual touching has decreased a lot lately...maybe just a couple times a month.

I'm hoping and praying that this non-pressure approach could be the answer to finally re-connecting emotionally.

You know, the penis is such a

You know, the penis is such a odd appendage, unlike any other body part. Its no wonder us men get anxious about its performance. Other body parts we can just move when we want. I say, "arm, hand, pick up phone" and presto it does just what I say. Then there are those other body parts like lungs and heart that merrily go along doing just what we want them to without a thought or a care. With the penis, we can look at it all day long saying, "up boy"....nothing, such disobedience! Then, (especially when we're young) the darn thing will spontaneously jump to attention exactly when we dont want it to. It wont obey and its not on autopilot either. It kind of listens to us but only if we handle our thoughts and feeling just so, and never if we're demanding or desperate. Insolent bugger. You'd think it was out to humiliate us. Women, they have no idea.

You could say the penis has a mind of its own, and in my mind, thats the way its suppose to be. It will actually do its appointed job just fine if we relax and focus elsewhere.

My advise would be to focus on her rather than on yourself. Focus on her beauty rather than your performance. Simply cuddle, especially without clothes. Schedule cuddle time. When you're in each others embrace or tangled limbs, feel her skin, the shape of her curves, the smell of her hair, the rise and fall of her breathing. Luxuriate in her body and presence. Make it a date specifically without intercourse. Tell the penis to go stuff it...well, you know what I mean. The best way to take the sexual pressure off the table is to remove the intercourse from the equation. You dont need a erect penis to cuddle naked. You can even rest your penis gently against her vagina. A little "hello", a get to know you touch. Kind of like holding hands on a first date, your not going anywhere but its nice to make the contact. Even if you do get hard, stay with the agreement to leave it at affectionate touch. If you're both going to reacquaint yourselves with each others body, do it slowly over time. Consider doing this for a few weeks. Tell her you miss her beautiful body and simply feeling her in your arms, that you dont care about sex, you just want to be with her, no performance necessary. Tell her you want this time without sex, just skin to skin. I'm not in your situation so express whats right for you, and for her.

Does this seem like a plan you could work with? Remember, focusing on your performance tells her that whats going on for you is more important than her, even if you're trying to do it for her, its still self absorbed. Women dont really care about your performance, they want your attention. Put it on her, not yourself.

These are all excellent

These are all excellent comments, thanks so much! Darryl that sounds like an excellent plan. I'm going to make this a plan with her and see where it goes.

I can't tell you how appreciative I am of your comments all! I've felt quite alone and despondent in this for a while, I feel tremendously encouraged right now and having some people who understand my situation and have offered some helpful paths. Thanks again.

Our experience~

I'm not a guy, but I hope you don't mind me sharing our experience (as far as erections and such go).

When my beloved and I first met we did not know about karezza and practiced conventional sex for a month or two? I can remember a few times where his penis did not rise to the occasion (and how it was awkward for both of us). The reason it was awkward was because we were *expecting* a "performance."

Once we began to incorporate karezza into our lovemaking what happened is there is no longer an expectation of *anything*~~we always lie down together with *that moment* being what is important. We never know *what* is going to happen when we lie down and cuddle and there are no expectations. When we lie down together (if we're naked) I will usually gently hold his penis in my hand (in a comforting way, not a demanding way). And then we might kiss...and then he might caress my breasts...and then lo and behold, his penis becomes erect and *then* we decide it might be a good time to connect.

But all of this is unplanned and there have been times when we're tired or don't have time, etc., where we might do the same thing and then leave it at that. And we come away feeling just as refreshed as if we had made love.

There have also been times where we just *wanted* to connect right then~~and we didn't want to wait for things to progress naturally~~so we do "soft entry" and then let our genitals slowly warm up together (I adore the feeling of a soft penis growing hard inside me). Again, no expectation is made for the penis to become erect (but it almost certainly does once he is inside and I am focusing all my attention on his penis and what is happening between us). The woman *does* share responsibility for a man's erection~~her focus needs to be there for it to happen. She has to be fully present.

So once you begin to let lovemaking make its own schedule~~and are no longer setting it up as an "event"~~I think you will start to relax and surrender to just being there with your wife. And be happy for whatever happens~~our best times are when we are just embraced (connected or not) and feeling the energy between our two bodies. You can do it clothed, while sitting on a chair (her on your lap), lying on the couch~~just let the electricity flow between you and good things will start to happen!

Good luck to you!

I read this little piece this morning and I love what it says:

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2013/02/20/sex-relaxation-and-tension/