Day 2

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The beginning of Day 2 of not asking my Isadora for anything. Yesterday was easy because I was angry. Today she came downstairs to dress by the fire as I was on the yoga mat. I couldn't look at her nakedness. It's just too confusing for me. How do I give when my lust is soooo high? I'll figure it out. I also did not stop my practice right away to give her a greeting hug. It is usual for me to drop whatever I'm doing to take her in my arms (puppy vampire). We've agreed that it is a sign of separation to not greet or part without a hug or a kiss. So I finished the Lunge pose before I got up to greet her. By that time she was fully clothed. Part of the deal is also not to take. All was lost as soon as she was in my arms. Her shirt was soft and my hands lingered on her strong back as I held her close. She broke the embrace in the nick of time. Definitely edging, I was on the brink, the very edge of going too far into bloodsucking. She saved us. I'm not starting the count over.

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Her Boob Guy

She invited me to the shower, well, she said, "I'm going to take a shower". "May I join you?" "If you're quick about it".
In the shower I thanked her. At one point I tell her I am jealous of the hand that holds her breast.
Afterwards standing at the counter, me shaving, she doing whatever at the sink, topless with a towel around her waist, My Balinese Princess. I am appreciatively ogling (no fear, I didn't cut myself). I do not pull her to me in order to feel her skin against mine. I say, "It gives me so much pleasure to see your breasts". Shortly thereafter she moves in a way that really excites me. Again, I do not go to her, but say, "What a wonderful gift to see your breasts move". She says nothing but continues about her business. Nothing more is required. I have spoken my truth plainly and without any hooks.
Damn, this is edgy business.
Not so edgy earlier when Izzy said her neck hurt and I offered a neck massage. We were standing because we only had a few minutes before my cereal was done. My thumb gave out in 4 so I stopped. Of course I got an erection, but I politely kept it to myself.
Day 2/90, ask nothing, take nothing, expect nothing, give when I am able....wholly crapola!

Crude Dude

Sorry if I offended anyone. The truth is I am easily captivated by my Isadora's beauty. It's been hurtful for her to have strange men looking at her in a sexual way. She has said, and it was true, "The only time I have your full attention is when I'm naked". I encouraged her to use that knowledge. The look I got for that remark would turn any hero to stone. I've found other ways to let her know I am present and with her.
I've asked her about that kind of sexual attention mentioned above and she has said that within our marriage it is ok. Context is everything!

Beginning of Day 5

Sure glad I don't have porn and post O hangover added to the challenge of not asking for anything for 90 days. My Izzy was off yesterday, a little prickly. I had one slip where we were both at the refrigerator and I grabbed her for a hug. It was not clean, I was missing our connection. I got smarter and let her be. I had to tell myself to let her have her funk. It's hers. It's not about me. I don't have to figure it out. I didn't ask her to explain. I also didn't feel very compassionate and didn't have to fix that either. Just let it be. That allowed me to relax and be open, not fearful and desperate. The old voices, "What's wrong? What do I need to do? How can I fix this? Why am I in this dysfunctional relationship? Things would be better if..." were silent.
This morning she called me to her bed (first time in, Gawd knows how long) and we cuddled for 15 minutes. I took my pleasure in the contact. I wasn't "giving" anything other than my contented presence. I was calm and relaxed. I am thankful for what I have learned here that allows me this peace.

Hey CF

We been around awhile, huh Pal?
Well today is day 6 and I am antsy as all get-out. There is so much that I want. The fuck addict in me says, "Just give me 10 minutes of sex and I'll be fine." Life for the addicted is so simple. All of my problems come down to just needing a fix, and once I get it, all is well. I invited myself to her bed this morning and we cuddled for 5-6 minutes. But it didn't do it for me. I've got to find another way. So, the 90 day experiment. I'll keep you posted.

90 is not a magic number

It's just roughly how long it takes to solidify a new habit. For me, it took a while to get used to stating what I want cleanly (in an open and non-demanding way). Not being perfect, I still occasionally slip into old ways, i.e. trying (unconsciously) to find ways to manipulate my wife into wanting sex. For example, I might notice her doing something that's causing her to be anxious, and then I notice myself thinking of ways to get her to stop doing that thing because I'm worried it will interfere with her desire to have sex later that evening. But I'm able to catch myself, and to identify my "wrong thinking". Now, when I catch myself manipulating or holding some sort of expectation, I can just let it go, recognizing it as the relationship poison it is. I have found the unconscious manipulation to be very difficult to eradicate. It is a long-standing habit for me, and I had to fake it for a while before I could genuinely release my attachment to a particular outcome in any given moment.

For me, it all comes down to recognizing my wife as a free woman. She is my wife, but that doesn't entitle me to expect anything (sexual) from her. Of course, I have needs, just like anyone. Now she more than fulfills them, but not because I expect her to...it's because she wants to; and that makes all the difference.

Things don't always happen when I would like; I just need to be truly unattached to any particular outcome. When my wife is tired or really busy, that can last even for a week or two, but I don't make a big deal of it. I remind myself to focus on quality rather than quantity, and that she wants to connect as much as I do, and that she enjoys the sex just as much as I do, and that she'll come around when the time is right. It's always worth the wait. And while I'm waiting, I am as loving, giving and undemanding as I can be, not because I'm hoping for a "return on my investment", but because I want to. I'm still working on this, but it's become much easier. I'm hoping that soon I won't have to catch myself in an unconscious manipulation because it won't even occur to me to do that.

Another Aspect

of the addicted is control. I want to plan a course of action that yields a guaranteed outcome. YIKES!
You and CF mention stating what you want cleanly. Cleanliness is next to godliness and right now I'm feeling really messy. Beginning of Day 7 and I'm going to need all 90 to find the soap. My need is palpable. What I want is clear. I have no idea how to ask for it without mucking things up. So I will be still, breathe, and give us some space.
Thank you for your clarity and compassion.

Wholly Mole!

Day 20 and I'm fantasizing about what I'll do after the 90 day failure! Ruminating is best left to cows! I've got better things to do.
6:00 am and we're both up, in the dark. I've been pretty much turning away from approaching her from lust. I've done plenty of that in our life together and I want to try something new. (I had a biology teacher/lover who said "If it wasn't for lust, I doubt that men and women would ever get together!".) This means, 'tho I've had the opportunity, I haven't been ogling as much. So it's dark and the moon is low, casting a lovely light into the room. She gets into bed leaving the door open. I stand in the doorway. She says, "I want to try to get back to sleep". I close the door and leave. At 10:00 she calls me to her bed, first time in 9 (?) days. We lie close for several minutes and she says, "I wanted to make up for rejecting you earlier". I nuzzled and said something like, "um huh" in affirmation. I'm not confronting her these 90 days either. I want her to seek me from her desire to be close rather than feeling coerced and trying to avoid my bad mood. I sorely need to rewrite that script. The rewriting must include my expressing a loving attitude when appropriate and not being so petulant when I don't get what I want.
Not much karezza in these 90 day journey posts...just inspired to not seek the O

Nice work

Redirecting sexual energy from its habitual paths is not for the fainthearted. It often feels like "crossing the Void," and as if you'll never again have any pleasure in your life.

Just keep trudging...and keep smiling.