Leaking

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Submitted by Aphrodites Chela on
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Hunger and need leaking out everywhere
The darkness of Desire
Every look
every word
is suspect
there is no compassion, only hunger
I am raw. Nothing is clean.

The young mothers are too attractive
My eyes linger too long on the glamour in People magazine
The sexy cover of a dance catalogue beckons
TV background noise, a young woman telling Jimmy Kimmel of her interview with Howard Stern
My fingers itch to Google pictures of her

gawd help me, it's day 8

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Day 9

I have survived, no porn, no masturbation, no simpering. This morning I see my undisciplined mind wander as I am slow to wake. So many dark thoughts.
I am up at dawn most days, my Isadora at 9:30. Sometimes she gets blasted first thing in the morning with my questions and doubts. That's a helluva "Good Morning"!
This morning I chose vipassana, some writhing about the bed ("How does that bit of tension ask me to move?"), and a little self massage.
I am still murky. I think I can be open but am wary of reaching out to Izzy.

Suggest you not take any "noise"

from your mind seriously until 2 weeks have passed.

Meanwhile, the things that help the most with restoring balance are exercise, meditation, time in nature, socializing, staying offline, and beneficial stressors like cold showers.

Thanks

Yoga like stretching interspaced with some dumbbells for 30 minutes every morning. 15 minutes with sweat on the exercise bike before lunch (in my 64 years I've developed a high maintenance body that now needs that kind of attention). Socializing online here....that could use some work. After years of drought there is water in the creeks...I'll get out today...ask Izzy if she'd like to take a walk.

Kind of...

I started this path in anger. I told her that I held certain beliefs about her and our relationship (that went over reeeeally well) and that I would take action based on those beliefs. It ended up with "I ain't askin' you for nuttin'". I think that could use some refinement, "I love you. I want to unhook from some old unfulfilling behavior. I want to take 90 days of not 'asking' and only come to you in a giving way".

This reminds me of a great scene from Groundhog Day

The set of scenes where Bill Murray is going through various "experiments" where he is taking mental notes on her likes and dislikes which takes him closer and closer to creating her perfect date. But every time, when it comes to the moment when he goes for it, he continues to fail repeatedly no matter what he tries. In the end, the only thing that worked was when he gave up trying to manipulate her into having sex with him and just devoted his energy to worthwhile pursuits. It wasn't until he actually changed himself (not just his outwardly visible behavior) that she responded.

For me, that scene perfectly illustrates the subtle difference between when I am appearing to treat my wife in a giving and generous way, and when I am actually doing it. In the first case, there is a motive, in the second, there isn't. When I started down this path, I suppose I expected that I could change this dynamic really quickly. In fact, that wasn't how it happened. It took me a long while to really get that I was being a selfish weenie, and I should stop doing that.

Just wanted to say...

Bravo!! That part of Groundhog Day spoke to me also, in that I wondered if men watching, "Got it??" very nice to hear one did :) We all have moments of 'selfish' giving (I wonder if that can that really be called 'giving'?? Hmmmm?) We all screw up, but it's just a matter of getting back on our path, eh? The first step is recognition... and we go from there.

What is at the core of the

I wonder why the manipulation and anticipation of reward is so sexy to many men? Whereas for most women, the removal of that grabbiness, goal orientedness, is the turn on. For me it has to do with presence. The goal gets in the way of the presence. The goal speeds things up, which diminishes sensitivity and therefore pleasure. BUT, if approached in a sensitive, slow, present, non-greedy way by my lover, it activates the faster, more urgent passionate hunger in me. Maybe there is no problem at all except for meaningful sequencing. With the woman physically in the receptive role, the sequencing that makes sense is that which encourages opening and receptivity. Presence! Moving from doing to being. Slow tempo.

Gawd

I love reading our thoughts!
No wondering needed, it's in the genes....git 'er done, do the deed, finish the task, find the problem and fix it. So true what you say about the goal oriented life. We here are seekers of the slow way and presence...well I am.
70 days of Not Asking....the revelations are slooooow. My task these days is to turn away from my thoughts of what I will ask for at the end of 90 days. That's a big hole in the path I want to avoid. It comes up many times in the day. I acknowledge it and am turning away by this new meditation on my heart. "Oh there's THAT thought, again. Am I able to open my heart?" Yes I can! I'm really liking this internal heart presence over the gimme hunger and seeking nourishment from my Izzy.

But there must be something

But there must be something very healthy in your urge, problem being that our culture has offered up distorted and imbalanced models for expressing it. I can't imagine that truncating your masculine drive would turn Izzy on more either. I wonder in your unearthing if you will find the potent, directed, active, masculine form of Loving Expression that your wife probably really desires. Well thank you for sharing your journey!

Oh, I hope so too

Here's were it's at...if ain't asking, I ain't gettin'. Truncating my desire has not drawn Izzy to me. I sure hope to unearth that other guy you describe. I'm looking under the Gimme Guy but haven't found him yet. I have found that loving spot in my heart but sure don't see it expressed. I'm a babe just toddling along here.

Actually,

you did see some movement by Izzy toward you. It's normal for things to "flicker" a bit. This is a big change in your dynamic.

I've just been reading Doidge's latest book, The Brain's Way of Healing. Like his first book, which had a chapter that discussed porn addiction/sexual conditioning, it's all about neuroplasticity. Retraining deep patterns takes time and conscious direction of the mind.

Focusing on your cravings and disgruntlement is strengthening those pathways. Maybe, when you catch yourself doing that, you could use the other mindsets you've been exploring this past month, and focus on what it feels like to feel unconditional love, or be completely satisfied during a snuggle, etc.

I know you've been doing a lot of this, really admirably, I may add. But it might be useful to reflect all this back to you...so I am.

Avoid projecting into the future.

 

Maybe the Gimme guy is the

Maybe the Gimme guy is the Tenderheart, but the heart hasn't connected to the phallus so they think they're separate entities? Like dislocated parts of one person that think they belong to different guys. Man, you're a whole!

Eventhough it's been a long time I've practiced Karezza, the moments when we did stand out to me very clearly. And the most incredible time that stands out is when I literally felt the erection in his heart as though his heart was the root of his penis and his penis an expression of that most beautiful muscle, the heart of his. That's when his love was so big and so generous, tuned in, tender, and confident that I felt him penetrate into my third eye. Muscles and sparkles, yumm. That moment is probably the greatest totality of him that I've ever had the honor to witness and "take in."

So being heart centered isn't a superior part of your self separate from your penis, it is the superior brain of your penis. Agreed though, accessing that place is decidedly a different process than accessing through the groin and these ways are infinitely mysterious.

Good luck with Izzy.

It's Clear

how strong porn is. We watched an old movie last night, Trading Places. There were topless women....ok, no big deal, right? No! today I'm back to looking at my Izzy like a porn queen here to meet my needs, Yikes! We'll move on past that one, but I'm impressed with the power of a simple image when seen by an addict. Reminds me of this guy (sorry I don't remember his name) arguing that violence in film isn't so bad because it doesn't incite him to go buy a chain saw and murder somebody but seeing sexual images did make him horny.

Day 14 and I'm looking for the Love. How am I to be a loving man? For now it's just the basics. Be respectful, don't ask for anything, don't indulge in fantasy, check the expectations, be present, and show my love whenever I have the slightest inclination.

Yeah, erotic images of potential mates

tap into one of the oldest evolutionary programs, designed to motivate us without much conscious interference. That's how a lot of genes get passed on. Smile

But it's also the case that as one becomes addicted, the brain physically changes, such that executive control weakens further (with respect to related cues) and cravings are more intense. It takes time (and self-control) to restore the brain to factory settings (or close to factory settings)...and self-control is in short supply, as just stated. Moreover, you may always be somewhat hypersensitized to some cues. What seems to change as one unhooks is the increase in self-control.

In the messy interim phase, a practice like daily bonding behaviors really helps keep a person feeling "fed" while they return to balance. But I think Izzy kinda likes her men panting after her, despite her protestations. Wink

 

Day 15

You speak the Truth oh Wise and Compassionate One. Blessings on you and yours.
Pant pant....I have conducted myself in such a way that I have not caused a Stink Face on my Isadora in days. That's progress. I can pull off a BB whenever I have a chance, a smile, eye contact, a warm greeting. Hugs remain iffy, especially as I battle feelings of entitlement (she should hug me, reach out to me).

One Month

The intensity has passed but I am left with a constant dull ache; decreased intensity but increased indifference. How do I be loving with this nagging sadness and occasional flares of resentment?
Back to the 12 Step "Fake It 'til You Make It" (spoken dully, in resignation). The best I can do is look for that little spark of affection (in me, not her) and nurture it to a flame as best I can....don't let an opportunity pass.
As I am drawn to her, the check has become automatic. Wanting? or Giving? Less of both.
We are traveling and sharing a bed, 3 nights now....too hot for cuddling. In the morning I saw her lying in bed, sheet at her waist, legs spread...without a thought I lied on top of her and gave myself over to gentle kisses and the pleasure of my cock firming at her pussy. She did not return the kisses. She put one hand on my arm briefly a few times, but for the most part was impassive. I did not attempt to inflame her. The contact of hips and lips was purely for my pleasure. Without the invitation of a kiss or a hug, I left that place. I withdrew without resentment and enjoyed the warmth as long as I could.
This is not karezza nor the plan for reuniting Marnia has given us. It is the 90 day No Taking (or as Izzy put it, "Stop asking stupid questions") path Sender pointed me toward. I am trying to break old patterns of feeling entitled.
Luv y'all

My Isadora

rises to the need to cool an internal heat. 3:00 AM and this is not an euphemism for wanting sex. I am already awake with a hard cock like I haven't seen in a month. It's a little annoying. What am I to do with this strange thing, bumping and jumping about? I focus on her as she stands naked on the 7th floor balcony silhouetted by the lights of Hilo across the bay. She comes to bed, puts her hand on my arm. I kiss her fingers, gently, and let my lips linger. My only thought is to acknowledge her touch. She says, "We should have sex before we go", then quickly adds, "but not right now"
Gotta go, more later....

10 Days

we shared a bed without much (any?) cuddling. The morning of the last day Izzy says, "Why didn't we ever have sex?" I like that she's thinking about it, and a little miffed because that is a decades long question. What I really like is that we are in bed together and in contact. I answer, "It might be because I'm not asking any stupid questions." "That's not a stupid question". I assume she means asking for sex. I answer, "It is if it's out of context. If it's random coming from my lust and not a reflection of our closeness." I have heard her say many many times when refusing sex, "Nothing has happened to make me feel close", now I'm the one!
A few breaths and many heartbeats later, the real kicker. As I hold her close I say, "This is enough." WOW! Where the hell did that come from! It's never been enough! I always want more. More hugs, longer hugs, more sex, more kisses, deeper kisses, more skin, more, more, more! "This is enough"! WTF!!! And you know what? it's almost true. It certainly was as I was holding her. I have no idea where this is going.

Turning!

Yikes!
Yesterday was hard work gardening and moving dirt, and a yoga class. In the evening I took a hot tub. Izzy declined to join me. Sore in many places, I turned the jets on high and gave myself a really nice massage...and chose to get hard (it's been a couple of weeks). I talked myself into it being ok because I wasn't fantasizing....riiiiight! I wasn't edging (hah!) because I didn't come anywhere near to orgasm. OK, no problem (snicker)
Today, day fuckin' 43 of breaking something, I am horny as all get out! half hard all the time and full on if I let my mind go that way...holy moley!. All I can see are her breasts, all I can think about is sex....AND I think we might! I ain't askin' (well not in so many words) but but but I'm gettin' that vibe. Izzy told me she had a dream last night (it's in the air, I swear) that we were in bed together as she masturbated. If we do manage to get together, she'll probably want an orgasm. I am resolved to ask for karezza. Lawdy, lawdy what's a po' boy to do?
get back to work

Hell Yeah It Does!

Fantasizing paves the road to Hell, for sure! I've got to keep it real. I have had sooooo much trouble in my life dreaming about how it could, would, should be.
I want to report that at day thirty whatever an erection is no longer a mandate for orgasm. That Izzy and I are connected on the sexual plane without any overt action (she didn't know where I was at and she brought up sex). That is something I would like to learn to trust.

My question is -

If you could take a pill tomorrow that would make you at peace with Izzy's timing and spare you the misery you currently suffer (unfulfilled longings), would you take it?

My guess is that you wouldn't. I'm not judging you for that, BTW. I'm just saying that I think you deeply value your horniness and feelings of unrequited desire. Or perhaps you feel their loss would somehow make you feel dead, or less of a man, or not a sexual being, or...? I get that, by the way, because, at first, letting go of any 'addiction' feels like "death," as if real pleasure will never be found without it.

But at least for many of us, the view from "the other side" is still "sexy," it's just not intensely uncomfortable. We accommodate our partners without major angst - which is not how things were before karezza - and even not how they sometimes are during the first weeks after climax when those deep feelings of dissatisfaction can rear their heads uninvited in any of us.

I could be wrong about you, and would be happy to be wrong, so don't hesitate to correct me.

But my point is that you can't let go of something that you deep down believe is critically important to Who You Are. So have a careful look at your beliefs.

That Pill

is stuck in my throat. You're right about me seeking unrequited love. I think Izzy knows this too. I'm willing to give it a try. At thirty plus days, the not asking is firmly with me. Next step is for me to find the love without the drama.