Hopeless Romantic that I am, I tried NS again with "The Wedding" and am reminded why I gave up on him. I'm thinking the story could be renamed "The Apology: How I Made Amends to My Wife After Screwing Up". My problem is deeper. It has to do with myth the unloved child believes: If I Do Everything Right, She will Love Me. In the story, he does do everything right. Much like I wanted to do everything right on this karezza path. For me, I think it might be better to stop seeing the Golden Boy as the paragon and start looking to the smelly, dirty, homeless man.
Aphrodites Chela's blog
Plan #26 H&V
All of my life I have wanted guarantees. I want to know what I can do to assure the outcome. I made a plan to not approach my Isadora until she approached me first. This plan resided in my head, alone.
Desire and need seems to be a central part of my personality. I function quite well in the world but in the vicinity of my Isadora a great hunger grows in the core of my being.
She is most attracted to me when I threaten to leave our marriage. This is not a good situation.
Seems to be working. Although I get hungry for touch, I haven't felt the intensity of starvation. Of course, my feelings and progress toward karezza healing is up and down, but more like waves of the ocean, not a roller coaster. When she was agreeing to let me fuck her, I would be sated for 3-4 days. Now I want a good meal daily. Ann Rice's vampires speak eloquently to the dilemma of this hunger. My last good meal was Sunday when she called me to her bed in the morning and we spent 20 minutes in contact...just 4-6 10 second hug snacks and peck kisses since (today is Wednesday).
Slithering out of the cave
Covered in filth
The worm seeks water and light
Plan 8,962: Start telling the truth. So much is in my head and edited. I want to stop the manipulation and coercion.
Oh yeah, less tolerance for abuse and more compassion for myself.
Plan 8,961: Develop my "I Don't Give A Shit" attitude
Thursday last, was the second day Izzy was away from home. This has been a huge trigger since childhood. Home alone and the porn comes out. My last slip was in July. I'm cruisin' the new TV channels, and you know the story. There were young women taking their tops off and I watched for AN HOUR! I got hard but didn't do nothin' about it. I told Izzy this time. She said matter-of-factly, "Yeah, I figured,. You were alone." Man, does she have my number. The interesting part was the intense suffering on Saturday. I wanted her so bad. I was depressed and soooooo needy.
I got called out in a PM by a person who I respect. This is an edited copy of my response. You all are only seeing one side of the exchange. I'm sharing primarily because I know I often write as if I am a victimized saint and exposure is good. I am not seeking support for some poor bloke who's been dope slapped.
All was going along ok
4 days ago (Wednesday) I asked Izzy (for the gazillionth time), "Do you want the First Lesson in Tantra?" Some negotiations and she said, "OK, 10 minutes." A challange to be sure.
"Come away with me," I said. A work trip to a nice little town in the Sierra foothills. She said, "Yes". I love it when she says that.