Ya know, I said this before, as I started on this path a year ago, I want to be a more loving man. Porn and my quest for orgasm did not fit into the new picture. You may remember, too, that I found Marnia and my Reuniting brothers and sisters whilst seeking a way to increase my wife's libido. I also spoke of peeling the onion. First layer of foolishness, get rid of the addiction so I can see clearly. Second layer, her libido is not the problem. I wanted to be a more loving man so my wife would show more affection towards me. Third layer, changing my wife is not a worthy goal.
Aphrodites Chela's blog
She came to my bed this morning....lay down next to me. I rolled into her and laid my arm across her waist. I enjoyed the contact and stillness. When I come to her, I go crazy with her passivity. Am I bothering her? Is she just putting up with me? Am I asking too much? What the fuck is going on here? But my Isadora coming to me is heaven. She said, "Give me a squeeze and I'm out of here." I did and she was gone. No more than 5 minutes together.
Later, I held her and told her, "My world has changed because of what you did this morning."
"You're easy to please."
12/12/09 Depressed since the 7th, (Monday), descending steeply to really bad Wednesday. Tuesday went to Dances of Universal Peace. Very nice, but Izzy didn't want me to go. When I got back all that stuff about not being supported came up. "If not here, then I need to create it elsewhere." That brought up discussion of leaving and divorce. How am I different than any other man who threatens his wife with "Give me what I want or I'll get it elsewhere." Gnarly. Wednesday she announced she was ready to shower (code for "I am open to you joining me"). Confused, I declined.
As she withdrew from her agreement to 10 minutes of Bonding Exchanges per day, she said, "What happened to spontaneity?" I had to ask what that was. The conversation didn't go far before she said, "I don't want to talk about it," and I backed off. She did send an email about going out more. I thanked her. Should I reply with this?[quote]Of course for me it is different and my answer is painful. You asked me, "What happened to spontaneity?"
You stopped saying yes.
Spontaneous kiss - you flinch. My heart breaks.
Spontaneous hug - you pull away. I feel rejected and needy.
Before meeting hotspring I called on Hera to protect our marriage (AC & Izzy). Those prayers were answered. Pan didn't show up to play. Dionysius ordered a ginger ale. Apollo didn't try to dazzle with wit and charm, nor Aries to boast and try find a way in. She must have sent Eros off on an errand. But Aphrodite, she is a jealous one. I'm afraid, not honoring her has left me restless and seeking sleep more than getting it. So two prayers:
John Bradshaw "Creating Love" [quote]Like all matters of the soul, love is a dynamic reality that is always expanding and growing. As we make breakthroughs in consciousness, we understand everything differently. We can no longer base love on polarization, inevitability, genetics, power, control, secrecy, shame, repression of emotion, duty, and self negation. It must be based on polarity, vulnerability, shared power, choice, creativity, self-love, and a sense of mystery and fate. As we awaken from our trance, we realize that we cannot flourish without one another.[/quote]
I worked an hour on a post. Indulged myself, and whammo! "The page has expired" and all was lost.
Guess I'll be composing in Word Perfect if it'the post is long an needs to be crafted.
Who was saying an hour of karezza was boring? Annemarie? I saw the post, want to engage and can't find it.
8 1/2 months on the path. Life is calm. After a month or two without orgasm we shared one 10 days ago. Things got a little bumpy around day 6 (I was irritable) but back to calm now.
I sit admist a vast stillness
There are no waves
The horizon is lost
To the sameness of color
In turning away from orgasm
I have lost the erotic
My life along this path continues to get better. I am calmer and less attached. We're having less sex and the really scary part is that it's kind of OK. I'm doing the bonding stuff as often as I can but still haven't got to the 5 Morita's (http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/buddhist_morita_marital_therapy). The problem I'm having is with the passivity and uninvolvement of my Isadora while I'm doing the very passive karezza.