Solo Healing

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Submitted by Arnold on
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Hi y'all,

I've been pondering my attitude towards sex energy as it can be intensely negative.

I was recently exploring Pharell William's "Happy" videos and ran into some copy cats around the world. It was really sweet and uplifting for me for the most part. One video, however, had a very scantily clad sexy woman doing a dance for the camera. I found myself strongly triggered. So after mulling over the wreckage of my inner world for a while I thought, rather that just staying angry, I'll explore where this energy leads. So I closed my eyes and just let my imagination roam. It went to a rather intense (and short lived) rape scene followed by tossing out the woman like she was a used Kleenex! No wonder I repress this energy!

So I've been thinking, how could I stop repressing this energy and find a way to transform it into a healthier expression on my own (I'm still working on a partner for the Exchanges)? The repression has been severely hard on my body.

Today, the thought of shaking and dance came to my mind. So I'm going to put more energy into those activities and see where they lead. Perhaps the next time I get triggered (which is likely in this sex crazed culture in the summer), I won't be so strongly disturbed and can work on transforming the energy on my own.

Any thoughts? Have any of you tried something similar? Do any of you have similar challenges?

Sincerely,

"Arnold".

Comments

Transformation.

Hi Marnia,

Mostly I'm trying to find a way to be less repressive of my sex energy when it gets triggered by sexual cues that are almost impossible to avoid. Repression leads to violence (that was very obvious in my fantasy). My standard mode of being violent is to self destruct (which is much less obvious and socially far more acceptable). I'm just hoping I can find a way to get less messed up when I bump into a sex crazed woman.

I know that anger transformed becomes compassion. I would love to be able to feel compassion for her rather than hatred. I think the key is in being able to feel the energy and slowly accepting it in a safe environment. I find that movement (dance and shaking) helps me feel.

So I guess compassion is what I'm targeting. Sound good?

Thanks for your comment.

Sincerely,

"Arnold"

Thanks Marnia!

It's good to be able to express my struggle. It helps me get clearer. One thing I'm noticing recently is that I'm becoming less judgmental of my anger. I'm starting to see the role it plays in protecting myself from sexually aggressive women! It's the source of my strength!

Now that I am very aware of approaches for healing at a sexual level, it doesn't make sense to repress it so much. That tactic was developed when I had no other option.

Thanks for your support.

Sincerely,

"Arnold"

Latest developments.

Hi Marnia,

I'm alive! Smile That aspect of my life can be touch and go at times. I went through a major flare of Crohn's early on this year and let go of my taking on my mother's fear of death (Gabor Mate (see:http://drgabormate.com/book/when-the-body-says-no/) talks of Crohn's as being related to a child "perceiving himself to be responsible for his mother's emotional suffering". It fits closely with my story. I really had to get to a place where I couldn't eat anything (it was all coming up within 10min) before I could really relax for a while and get into the mindset of "Well, mom, if this is it, you are just going to have to deal with it. I've done all I can do (short of having large parts of my digestive tract removed (a project I'm not at all keen on)) to keep this body alive for you and it doesn't seem to be working all that well." I didn't die. I started dreaming of lobster tails. So I ate a few and they went down fine (to my surprise). Then I dreamed of Apple Fritters (about the worst possible food for me that I could possibly imagine) and they went down fine too! I've been working my way out of that transition ever since.

The childhood abuse in my youth is subtle (see:http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468...). The sexual part is called covert incest (see:http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2014/07/childhood-covert-incest-and-ad...). The connections to normal ways of doing things are very strong. The death trauma piece has been challenging because few people are capable of celebrating death the way Osho people do (see: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20jZW1Ak94g) and my mother certainly didn't come anywhere near entertaining that idea in 1961 or 1965 when her siblings died. So healing social isolation is a big part of my healing journey.

I made a breakthrough in early 2014 with the death piece. The only other sannyasin in town (a good friend of mine) died of cancer and I ended up being strongly involved in planning her death celebration and explaining the background of it to her friends. Fortunately, it went very well and partly healed my fear of being exposed as an Osho lover in this (ultra conservative bible belt) town. So part of me came out of the closet! Smile

The sexual part has been much more challenging. MaleSurvivor.org has fortunately been a great resource for me online. I log on there and chat with the guys regularly. Local connections are much more challenging. Not a nibble on the Karezza end of the spectrum. The safe healing touch crowd (Quantum Touch is my favorite method for building community) is very weak but I have recently found a small practice group that meets monthly. It's a start. I explored the local asexual community as much as I could, but not a nibble there either. Recently, I stumbled upon an interview that gave me the idea that setting up a peer support group for male survivors might be possible (I've been trying to get a professionally led group here started for years) (see: http://bigvoicepictures.com/blog/2015/05/27/male-survivors-of-childhood-... ). So I'm working away on that project. I've received some support material from some board members at MaleSurvivor.org and am trying to find other survivors locally through a variety of avenues (One of them is a new men's group I joined dominated by local First Nations people). So the other part of me (the part that is very keen on a healthy approach to human relations including sexual relations) is coming out of the closet. I'm a little worried about getting too public, as my mother lives in town and is as helpful to me as could be expected. She's basically a lovely person caught, like us all, in a nutty, outdated and very unhealthy culture. I did mention to her long ago the effect of her "sex education" on me, but I don't think she fully gets the power of it nor the depth.

My health peaked in 2014 (best blood test results in 14 years!) and then dove when the female Naturopath bailed on me (a repeat of childhood abandonment and subtle sexual wierdness (on her part) I suspect). My new male Naturopath is OK. We're doing our best. I'm doing some energy work with an interesting guy and have stumbled upon a Functional Medicine MD who has recovered from Crohn's (in Boulder CO see: http://www.jillcarnahan.com/my-story/). She's fully booked up, but I'm going to look into what kind of support she can offer my Naturopath. I saw a video of her talking about the connection between gut microbiology and depression. She was absolutely brilliant!

Otherwise, I'm just chugging away on my healing routines and doing my best to create a small green sprout of healthy culture around me (and nurture that part in myself as a foundation). My body is doing moderately well. I'm increasingly realizing that my struggle is basically about healing from the effects of an entire culture that was unhealthy (the Cold War was clearly insane! Climate change isn't much better!) and creating a totally new one around me from a scratch. It's a big project, but my body is clearly telling me that either I face the challenge or die trying.

Thanks for your help. It's been great to know about your experiences and research. I hope someday that I will find a woman who wants to explore your suggestions more fully with me. It's on my bucket list! Smile

Sincerely, and with love and gratititude to you and Gary,

"Arnold"