Ready for second try. Bring it on!

Submitted by aszxc on
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Hi, 34 year old male here, using porn almost every day since age 12. I registered here earlier over a year ago, and read a bunch on the forums and around the web, realizing that I had porn addiction. The sex life in our marriage suffered from this. And our marriage suffered, as well from that we just had too different values and goals, opinions. And last but not least, she was not very understanding in general. I was so psyched and happy to find out about this addiction problem, and how wonderful things can be afterwards. I admitted it to her, and explained the whole thing. She didn't buy it. Said it was a stupid idea, and even was suspicious if I wanted 3 months off PMO because of a sexual disease or something. Well, we finally divorced two months ago. Feel so much better and relieved. It was overdue.

Now I will try again! I'm only 4 days in. Cancelled 3 sex dates I made online, the last one I couldn't maintain erection anyway. Now I will come back stronger than ever, and enjoy close real intimacy with girls, with emotions, arousal and erection intact! It will be hard, but I look forward to the rewards.

I just ask myself, everyone seem to have so radical changes, in emotions, confidence and everything.. Is it really so big difference for everyone, or are the less successful results deleted from the site or something?

And I really struggle with social anxiety. Even with friends and family sometimes. People seem to improve a lot there as well. I'm afraid to get my hopes too high.but it would be a tru blessing if it helped....

Thanks for reading

Comments

Maybe

commit to yourself, and to any potential partners you might connect with, that you will not have sex for some time, say a couple months, and after that time, decide whether you want to continue the celibacy, or try sex, or karezza.

At this point, you probably understand how important it is to find someone you feel comfortable with and enjoy being with OUTSIDE the bedroom. So use this time of celibacy to find such a person.

Consider finding a cuddle buddy. It can be very soothing. You might find my story inspiring: http://www.reuniting.info/node/7970

If I may ask, how old were you when you lost your virginity? Some guys come on here who are in their late 20's or even in their 30's, and are still virgins - and they are understandably anxious about it. (I was a virgin until I got married when I was almost 28 years old.)

"I just ask myself, everyone seem to have so radical changes, in emotions, confidence and everything.. Is it really so big difference for everyone, or are the less successful results deleted from the site or something?"

I don't think anyone is deleting "unsuccessful results." Some people, such as yourself, come on here, post a few times, then go away for a long time, or forever. Some people report great success at improving their relationships, or finding the partner of their dreams. Some of them go away after reporting success, some of them (like me) stay around and continue to post. Some people struggle for a long time and stay in touch during the process. (I struggled for 2 years, after joining this forum, to get my marriage back on track.) Some people move over to other forums, like reddit nofap.

I think it would be very difficult to measure - or even figure out how to measure - the "success rate" of people who come onto this site.

Regarding the social anxiety (with women)... I think committing, to yourself, to NOT have sex for a while with women you might meet and date, can help reduce the anxiety.

Thanks for you reply. I was

Thanks for you reply. I was 22 when I lost my virginity. On top of porn induced ED, I was on Effexor antidepressants that time, which made it even more difficult, well actually impossible for me to come during sex. I think I managed to come one time in one year with that girl. It gave me a bad start in sex life, which there still is traces of today, ie anxiety. Especially when it comes to transitioning to different positions, then I often go soft as I am about to start in the new position. Or if there is a small disconnect mentally, or if I use too long time and worry about the girl being bored.

I'll stick with it. Feel good about it now on day 5.

i understand karezza can be amazing, especially during reboot. But after reboot I think it is just healthy to start having sex again, with some karezza inbetween? I sometimes get the impression here that orgasms and sex is bad, but I think it is only bad during reboot? I plan to have lots of sex after my reboot.

When we skip the orgasms, we have more and better sex

My wife and I have 10x more sex, it's way more enjoyable, and we get along much better. Sex is not bad, it's great! Orgasm is the problem. If you want to make a baby, then ejaculation is necessary. Outside of that, it causes undesirable ripples in our otherwise calm, peaceful and blissfully erotic pond.

welcome

I had the same problems you describe. 

The best way to reboot by far is with a woman especially if she is really into cuddling and physical closeness. And if you avoid coming during sex, and continue with cuddling and non-orgasmic sex, you can get over this issue so easily. There is a reason for this. It builds up Oxytocin and just makes everything much better, including addictions to porn and masturbation.

That's what happened to me. Lifelong porn and masturbation habit. I quit porn and masturbation that I was doing since maybe 10 or 12. It was easy for me, very easy. I marveled how easy it was.

It's been two years since I've masturbated. Why? I have no interest in it. I diligently avoid porn triggers, that I am quite diligent in. I am very sensitive these days and I easily feel what happens if I fantasize or view some type of trigger -- and I don't like those feelings.

Sex has never been better, not even close. And my woman is pretty low drive actually, and that's a fact. But we have sex 4 or 5 times a week and for a long, long time compared to the old days. And it is so wonderful. I wake up thinking about her and it's hard to describe but it is what I would call a Karezza fantasy, not a sex fantasy. 

Sex is truly a means to an end-- the end being just being there with her, inside, together.

And the pleasure I derive is so great today, it doesn't compare to orgasm. I occasionally have an orgasm, maybe a few times this year, and it's great for 20 or 30 seconds at best. But I feel crappy afterwards, my perceptions of her change, and it takes a good week to get back these full feelings. The feelings I get now when we are having sex is like a long endless joy that is so fine it is impossible to put into words. Pleasure describes it only a tiny bit. It has changed my life because it is what became important to me. Oh yeah, I still make money and do stuff and have a great family and friends, but this is what life is really about now. 

Anyway, glad you are here. 

Day 6 - difficult day

It sounds amazing what you guys are experiencing. But at the same time I'm scared... I mean, I don't want to give up orgasms! Come on, getting to the edge and then stopping is so frustrating, and having orgasm is sooooo good... And then I read this article:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/200908/orgasm-...

That's such a bummer! Too bad our brains are wired this way. Orgasm should have only positive effects... I feel empty now after readng about it...

Otherwise today I've been struggeling because of this girl at work now. I first saw her yesterday. [Sorry - deleted by moderator as too triggering. We have recovering porn addicts here.]

I'm fighting as best I can. I hope the urges and self torture is worst in the beginning.

But if I don't get a girlfriend right after reboot, how often is ok to have orgasm (to fantasy of real girls only)? Man oh man, I can't quit having orgasms forever. There has to be something good about them Beee I want to think normal healthy sex with the partner, and without porn, is good.

Thanks guys, glad to be here, and good to vent...

Relax

Even those who enjoy sex without orgasm occasionally experience one. Just take it all one day at a time.

And watch the triggers.

I didn't start out this way, @aszxc

I had no intention of going this route. "Are you joking???" I'd read accounts of Karezza but mostly they were on this site and yourbrainonporn.com and they were "I quit porn and I intend on trying Karezza" but it didn't seem like too many were actually doing it, and why would they?? 

Then I tried it for just a little while and the benefits became so obvious. 

But as Marnia says, it may be a cliche but one day at a time really is the way to go. You never know where this journey will take you which is pretty cool.

One thing I scoffed at *especially* was anything contradicting orgasms only have "positive effects". Seemed silly to me. 

Now I think back on it and I know I was living in a much more difficult world when I was ejaculating all the time. I think it depends on your age, but as we get older it takes more out of us guys. That's the utilitarian argument and it's a fact. It also really makes our partners less appealing and that's also a fact. We just take it for granted and never notice it. I never did.

Everything is *so* much easier today. Business, relationships, everything is so much easier for me. Strange that a few moments of "bliss" should have that effect...

But on a pure pleasure angle, my pleasure quotient is vastly more than ever before in my entire life. Seriously, 30 minutes of sex is like a 30 minute orgasm to me, not quite as intense but much better and lasts longer and the feelings are incredible because of my connection with her. There is no comparison, or else I'd have orgasms, but I don't want to because this is so much better. 

Day 14 - easy peasy

Interesting reading emerson. I will definately try it, but I read that O's are good for reducing risk of prostate cancer. And I feel that like dringing alcohol, every day is not good, but once per week or two weeks is fine. I hope my brain chemistry will normalize after 2 days after O, not one week. Can't know how I'll react before I've tried.

Now, after the very difficult day 6, things have become immediately very easy. I'm even thinking I didn't have a porn addiction, it was just a habit, just something I just did approximately once per day. I don't find it difficult at all to not masturbate or use porn. I do have sexual thoughts pop up during the day, but I manage to let them go after just 2-5 seconds. I wonder how much the brief sexual thoughts will set me back. I dont pursue them or get erection.

I had no idea it would be so easy, maybe it will change. Also I am going to meet some girls I made contact with online, who are also interested in a cuddle buddy type friendship, and will hopefully hit it off with one of them, and have a pure cuddle non-sexual friendship.

Also, after about a week, I already notice less anxiety, more alertness and more happiness. It is related to having divorced, quitting porn/masturbation, and looking forward to meeting a new friend, but not sure how much each factor contribute, but since I've been divorced for approx 3 months, and felt the effects most strongly after quitting PMO two weeks ago, I'd say quitting PMO contributes 70-80%

Glad to hear you're doing well

Too soon to say if you've stabilized, or if you're just at a plateau.

You're right that what matters is what you observe in your own laboratory as you experiment with different options.

You might find these interesting:

Masturbation articles & linx

Rethinking the Wonders of Adult Masturbation

 

Ejaculation: How Often for Good Health?

http://yourbrainonporn.com/ejaculation-how-often-for-good-health

 

Masturbation, Fantasy and Captivity

http://yourbrainonporn.com/masturbation-fantasy-and-captivity

 

WEIRD Masturbation Habits

http://yourbrainonporn.com/weird-masturbation-habits

 

Today’s ejaculation advice may be wrong for our species

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201106/exiting...

 

Men: Does Frequent Ejaculation Cause a Hangover?

 

Thanks Marnia

I'm probably on a plateau. I feel the "lifeless willy" syndrome. Hopefully after a month or so more I'll start having those rock hard erections people report. I'll check those links out

But still the brain needs 3 months to recover

I guess, due to the plasticity of the brain and the time to grow new neuron connections.

And some short erotic thoughts pop up sometimes, how much do they set me back? I don't act on them, or get hard. But I feel they may delay reboot, and delay my viewing women more interpersonal way instead of sexual way.

I think I should try to abolish those thoughts completely during reboot, but feel they shouldn't do too much harm or set back.

3 weeks in - my thoughts

It is still pretty easy to stay away from PMO. I M'ed for 1 minute the other day, I used pictures of my ex. I did it only because I wanted to measure how big it is for curiosity. Maybe also I was curious how I would react to seeing "porn" (it was my ex, but I guess still it's porn. Some really good pictures). I got instantly hard from it, (I'm even getting hard right now thinking about it, so I'm trying to redirect my thoughts). So I'm obviously already more sensitive to impressions, which is good. That is the only "relapse" I've had so far, but it was planned, "scientific", and only lasted for a minute so I could measure.

I'm planning to have a Thai massage this evening, but not with happy ending. But with gentle massage and stroking of my penis and balls, no jerking off or orgasm. I want to start to feel the "real deal" (if you can call it that with a Masseuse), to get used to the sensual touch of a real woman without any goal of orgasm or feeling of having to perform. (I realize the moral issues here, but I personally think it's harmless). Maybe it's too early to start this process?

I think what may have helped me a little is that even though I've used porn almost every day since around 12 (we started reading magazines and stuff since 7 though) is that I have had sex since age 22, and that when not using porn I always fantasize about real women, or real encounters. I never fantasized about porn when not using it.

Also this weekend, I'm meeting a girl for the sole purpose of being cuddle buddies. No sex, just closeness and cuddling. I will be totally honest, play no games. Still I feel a little nervous thinking about it. I do have social anxiety, but when I am myself fully and don't worry about what people think about me I am normally very relaxed. I mean she can think what she want's, I'm not trying to impress her or date her. But maybe I still worry a bit what she will think of me. Maybe it's normal? Hopefully it will lead to something positive and speed up the process.

Optimistic and looking forward to the future.

Good job finding a cuddle buddy

Hopefully, you'll be able to relax into the experience and stop over-thinking it. The touch itself may help with that.

I don't know if wiring your arousal to your ex is the best idea, but maybe it doesn't much matter, as long as you're not online clicking from one to the next. Think real not pixels.

4 weeks + 4 days - disappointed with myself and sad :-(

I have MO two times last 5 days, and also just some M without O. I did it not to porn, but I feel so disappointed in myself. The worst way to rewire. I was just so incredibly horny the last 2 weeks. Never again! I want to feel good about myself. How much will it set me back??

I made it 4 weeks at least. I just glanced at porn for a couple of minutes the last days.

Also I met with the cuddle buddy. Ended up with her laying in my arms while watching a movie. Could not turn of head either of us and relax fully, so it felt a little strange for both of us probably. Met her again a week later. More relaxed definitely, and better, but I have problems with social anxiety when 1: meeting and 2: saying goodbye. I get a nervous smile. I'm afraid this weird behaviour might put her off.

Also met with another potential cuddle buddy, went for a nice walk, but drove her home and thats it, as I feel we could have gone cuddle that night, and I already "found" the other girl, and don't want to end up with two. Maybe this one would even have been better, she gave me more signals of interest than the other girl. Texted me after the walk, and also yesterday, she's definitely happy, I gave her hope to meet again. But today I sent SMS that I have found a girl, and though I liked her I only want to be with one. She didn't reply. I HATE to reject good people.

And the other girl I don't know if she will want to see me more, since I acted nervous and weird and difficult to talk with when I picked up my phone which I forgot the second time I was there. This was during the 5 days of M and 1 O, so I didn't feel top game. I've been doing nothing productive these days. Just wasted my life these days, staying in bed most of the time, and edging regularly. Hope it will help a bit at least to get back on track again with the no PMO.

Then there's a third girl I met online (met all online). She is amazing.......... never met a girl so open, and who I could open to... And neither has she. Even though it's chat, it flows so well... But she doesn't live here, we can meet, but I'm afraid the magic can dissipate if it drags out too long and I don't speak to her. Also afraid that if we speak there will not be as good chemistry as chat, because speaking on phone/in general is not my strong point... Maybe I'm putting too much stress on myself with all the girls and stuff.

I'm thinking that I do this cuddle stuff out of pure egoism. I don't think I'm so interested in having them as real friends, because my social anxiety is making it uncomfortable, and it's encouraging me to stay away from people. I try to give a tap on my shoulder for being brave enough to meet them even if I get nervous, but the nervousness they sense sometimes makes it a failure to my subconscious, and to a degree my conscious mind. I'm so anxious last days I can't eat normally, I'm thin from before but losing weight. Feel like throwing up when I eat. I'm not anorexic. I'm also seeing a therapist, 6 times now...

So all in all I feel really shitty these days, I just want to be normal and proud of myself and talk to people and smile without being nervous... Sad I'm trying..... I'm gonna cry now for the first time in months....... so tired of this........

Thanks for reading my long post, needed to vent....

That was a good start

and whatever your motives for cuddling it's still a healthy thing to do just now (and good for the women too). It's okay if things are awkward now and then. Life isn't like a movie. Smile

Just keep rolling. And notice that edging often leads to masturbation, which often leads to "just a quick peek" at porn. The more you stimulate those old pathways, the more uncomfortable the cravings. During the reboot, it's best to just distract yourself with something else...preferable offline and outside of your apartment. You won't have to be so strict once you're back in balance.

Have courage and keep going. You can do it. Good

I'll keep going

Big creds to you Marnia for being so active and supportive on the blogs and forums. I've also seen some of your interviews and videos. You are an amazing woman, and you're helping soooo many people. Admirable and very meaningful..

I will definitely get back on track. It was a big wake up call for me to see how bad starting MO and a little bit of P after 1 month was affecting my whole organism. Now I will be really focused on my goal, and hope to see good effects again, and keep working on myself.

Ok, had sex after 90 days...

I stayed away from PMO for 90 days, except 3 MO during a weekend, M until almost O 3 times, glancing at porn for some seconds maybe 5-7 times. I also had thai massage with genital massage without O 3 times.

Yesterday I had sex with an escort girl. Only to test how I would react with a real girl again before this weekend, when I will have the chance to have sex with my former cuddle buddy. I just wanted to be more prepared for that. It went OK, did only get 80% hard during BJ. And I felt softness come sneaking in a couple of times, but it didn't develop.

I have had a lot of struggle with social anxiety, but have started using Dr. Richards Overcoming Social Anxiety Step by Step-program for one month. I was a little anxious on the way to the girl, but once inside the apartment I was fully relaxed, we had really good and relaxed conversation.

Told her all about my porn-problem. She knew about this problem in people. She has actually been doing over 40 porn movies, she showed me her database online. She is planning to make her own productions later on. We had lots of kissing and caressing, and I felt a genuine bonding. Actually I told her I didn't want to come to save myself for the weekend, but she said f*** that and begged me to come because then she felt she would too. I couldn't resist. We had orgasm simultaneously, and I know she didn't fake it because of many things, I don't want to become too graphic.

Some boost to my ego was that she said I was really good, and I should consider making porn with her when she starts to produce. I told her sure why not, you can keep my number. I was kidding of course, but I don't think she understood that, because after we had layed in bed chatting and caressing for a while and I was about to get ready to go she asked again if she could really keep my number. Haha, that's a first, get job opportunity as a porn actor:) Big confidence boost. Personally I don't think I'm that good, it's just I got to do my favourite things and positions. Well I could be really good if I knew I never would go soft, but I don't trust that yet, even after these 90 days.

So keep up the no PMO. I think if I was even stricter during my no PMO it would have been even better, and I would feel more exited seeing a real naked woman, as I was somewhat disappointed that I didn't get too exited visually. I don't think I'm healed yet, I probably would need more time. But from now it's only real sex with real girls, no porn, and no escort again (I just needed to test myself in a safe environment) and hopefully things will continue to improve.

Also after that O with her two days ago, I have felt no emotional instability, no chaser effect or no negative effects. I have felt stable. Maybe people are different with how much they react after having O.

Sex with cuddle buddy - fail

Couldn't get it up. Tried to "wake it up" manually while pleasing her, actually ejaculated after a long time without it being hard. Never happened before. Feel bad about it, but it's not the end of the world. I stressed to much about it getting hard. Usually I can use my fantasies to get me hard, but since I haven't used them for 90 days they didn't work. And seeing her naked didn't work. So i was left clueless what to do to get hard. She has a perfect body, why don't I get exited by just looking at it after all this time?

And I managed for some reason a couple of days ago. But now complete fail. Now is the time to learn strategies to cope with disappointment. I guess it's all because I put too much pressure on myself. It caused a disconnect between mind and body.

I need to just be super relaxed and naturally horny, and not continue towards sex when feeling slightly anxious.