Last resort

Submitted by athanor on
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This is day 1.
This is an introduction.
I ve been a lurker long enough both at this site and yrbraininporn. Thank you.

Making this blog is one of my last attempts to overcome PMO. The other one i feel is reading this book "you are not your brain". Pages are heavy.

Last winter I have some string success of 12-13 days and then relapses.

I guess writing here my feelings will give me new strength. Sometimes I feel so doomed. So desperately alone.

Sometimes i feel life is lifeless. Sometimes i know my attempts to do serious research on math is undermined by my addiction.

So waste of time. So dull perspective of keeping myself into life.

My dreams are often nightmares. Especially after my father passed away, 2 years ago.

Death really got me then, and PMO increased.

Comments

Welcome aboard!

Glad to have you here man. It's not easy, but at least you're making the effort to reach out to others. There's no reason we have to keep this struggle to ourselves. What kind of math research do you do? Sounds smart...

Day 3

Day 3
Thank you for yr support. I ve been reading lot of others withdrawal, i know that this is my thing too.
I just feel that giving report here is all I need to do it. To succeed.
I know that when i do meditation helps too, as i know i have to follow the steps on Schwartz technique.
[My research is on low dim topology, after my phd i didnt make serious progress and i know a reason is the addiction. I cant "see" the overall picture broadly enough, i lost myself in every day life, kinda like my dopamine fluctuation determines success or not].
Ofc, i installed K9, but i am able to underpass it through other computers, AND this is what makes me worry. To do that i have to wait till next day, to have access to other computers and the DESIRE doesnt fade as long as i wait till the next day. I mean its not just an instant thing, it s like it obsessed my whole brain and i have to do the procedure even if i must wait 1-2 days.

Anyway, meditation helps, reading Gary's texts helps, reading everyday reports of others helps, thank you all.

Withdrawal

is very difficult. Do what you can to distract yourself with exercise, meditation or socializing with others. Those things seem to help the most.

Day 5

Day 5
yes, i know, thanks. 5 days.
I m still strong. I know i can do it. Focusing on research and writing helps too i think.

Day 6

Day 6
After Gym. Feel good, better sleep some thoughts about relapsing but nothing more. The only thing i have to be careful is what i read somewhere..."when you start to feel better you may feel things you didnt before and be tempted to ejaculate. No,no this is a big mistake... and you must continue on the road of healing without ejaculation."
Ye, 6 days, but i have to be careful..

yup, stay strong.

yup, stay strong.

my sleep improved, at worst i slept about 3-4 hrs before having to get up and go to the washroom. now i'm about 5-6 hours. hoping to return to full night sleep without a washroom visit and if not, it might be something else :(

and that's right, stay strong, no M, no "testing", just keep on the 'clean' path

Day 7

Day 7
Today is a bad day. Cravings attack all the time. I mean mental cravings. But i keep working on my project, I have a meeting with friends at night and i think i overcome all this.

You will. Being social,

You will. Being social, exercising and meditation are some of the best ways to battle your cravings. Also, just remember how important your work is to you. You said it yourself and I agree with you, your work could improve if you were able to beat this addiction. You can do this.

i always find the one week

i always find the one week mark to be the trickiest to get around, stay super vigilant and strong on day 7-9! it gets easier past those days, although cravings will always come and go.

Day2

Day2

Rebooting has a pattern. Again, those first days have some terror awakenings just 1-2 hours after sleeping. And generally i feel like my mind is in a race. I think what supports relapses after 6-7 days is an overall feeling of being strong and "need" to put myself again in the miserable half-hypnotic state of tiredness after O.
I d like to ask, "cold water technique " works when one has mental cravings too, or one must be in a state of physical arousal to apply it?

Well, there's one way to find out

I should think it would drive everything out of your mind. blush

What are you doing in terms of exercising, meditating and socializing? Those three things get the best review.

FYI, after about two weeks, some people notice a big drop off in nightmares.

Day ?

It will probably take about a month or so to report back here.I m writing from work pc. I just stopped my internet connection at home!!!
wish me good lack..:)

We do wish you good luck

and I commend you for taking whatever measures are necessary to get some traction in your recovery. Just know that even after you are feeling better and responding normally, your brain may still be hyper-sensitive to porn cues (that is, anything associated with your porn use). So plan to avoid porn for a long time if you want to decrease your risk of relapse.

Reactivity to addiction-related cues is the last brain change to heal. Sad Details here: Why Do I Find Porn More Exciting Than A Partner?