2 months

Submitted by ATL on
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The good news is that I've gone 2 months without looking at porn! I'm pretty happy about that. I haven't been quite so good on the MO (using thoughts of past experiences, not porn memories). The first month I MOed five times. The second month I MOed three times. That sets me up for a third month with no MO, right? I'm definitely going to try.

Yesterday morning my girlfriend had to get up early and go to work. I love watching her move, I love watching her get dressed. The shape of her body, in just her underwear, was absolutely heavenly. I could have stayed there and looked at her forever. It's been awhile since I've had an experience like that, and I credit giving up porn and re-wiring to the real thing, an actual person, to bringing some of those back for me. It was a great experience. I look forward to more of them.

Here's the tough part: today my HOCD was TERRIBLE. I had two pretty big spikes. One centered around this guy I saw today, and another centered around a pretty explicit thought I had that involved me participating in gay sex. I hadn't had spikes this bad in awhile, and was actually feeling pretty good about how little HOCD was bothering me lately. Fortunately, they both passed and I leveled out. But man I felt pretty desperate in the middle of them.

I guess it just goes to show you that the recovery isn't linear, as I've seen mentioned on here. Thanks for everyone's advice and support, I'm looking forward to an even better third month.

I should note that my libido has dropped a bit. It may have something to do with my girlfriend's libido dropping as well as she's been very stressed out lately due to work and school and hasn't been feeling very sensual.

ATL

Comments

Fantasy

I should post this on my blog, but it's related to the subject so I'll post here.

I think that much has to do with fantasy and how that really messes up our brains. I had a dream last night of my childhood friend's older sister (I haven't seen either of them for 17 years now) getting naked. I remember how hot she was, but I could only keep her in my fantasy. Seeing all those men in porn also makes our fantasy world beautiful when we see what they do to women, but with painful consequences afterwards such as OCD. Or those little things such as, for me, seeing a very young teenage female student and wanting her, or even seeing all of the women on the street and wanting all of them, but then afterwards coming home excited to see my girlfriend and then cringing. Thing is, I think there is no way my girlfriend is less pretty than that student, but I wound up cringing. That was so bad. After a few minutes, I could see how cute my girl is, but I begin reacting and obsessing. It's awful. Think of it this way though, imagine masturbating to the same porn for 2 1/2 years. You'd probably get sick of it, literally. But when I looked at my girl as if it was my piano student, I wanted to nail her. So our fantasies ruin our real relational experience. I think quitting the PMO might lessen that fantasy and we can enjoy our partners.

One other thing: I think finally I understand why I would go for a girl, then find flaws, and within weeks would stop caring about them. I think it was an overactive fantasy and the PMO. So maybe we're all on the right path. I had some pretty severe OCD, and I know that because I have mild OCD compared to this, and it's pretty bad sometimes. I used to imagine myself in gay sex like 24/7 and comparing, and it was horrifying. So I hope I will view my girlfriend for real, and not as some icky figment of my imagination. But I may be wrong, and may need the hotter girl. And that's scary. What's also scary is not being able to leave this fantasy world for this real relationship. Or not being able to see a girl without makeup or not being slutty as attractive.

it all gets better

it gets 100% better. I think that I still respond when I'm talking to a pretty woman, in the sense that I notice she is pretty and perhaps my blood pressure or heart rate rises a little. But I don't undress her with my eyes or visualize porn scenes. It has really changed. For me it's 10 months since any use of porn. It makes a huge difference.

 

Emerson-

Emerson-

Just wondering if you had problems with HOCD at all. And if that got better too.

Right now those thoughts are my main issue, and happen frequently throughout the day.

Thanks-
Atl

ATL

I think those spikes may be around for a while. Just try to turn your attention to something else immediately and let them pass.

It could be that heating up your dopamine watching your girlfriend set off the need for "more." That's not unusual. And also not a reason to panic.

Yes

Thanks Marina, and you're right, that experience did make me want "more" do it probably did rev up my dopamine. Makes sense.