My last entry was two weeks ago, after I had just had my first Karezza experience with my girlfriend, and a very positive one at that.
I'm a little sheepish to admit, I haven't been so good since then. No relapse on porn (4 months!) or masturbation, fortunately. But I am not doing very good at keeping sex in the Karezza realm, and out of the orgasm/escalation real. The thing is, I really enjoy orgasming during sex with my girlfriend. I love the feeling. So even though I go into sex with the intent to have Karezza and not orgasm, it usually turns into an escalation to orgasm.
Then, I have the emotional dip. For instance, last night. I orgasmed twice during our love-making session. Then today, I felt like I had zero libido. No woman looked particularly attractive to me. When I kissed my girlfriend tonight, it was like kissing a wall or something. There was just no feeling there. And that's pretty discouraging. I find my girlfriend very sexy, but when I'm in my post-orgasm dip I'm just very indifferent to her. I get that feeling where I don't feel very manly, where I don't feel all that confident. Relatively passionless.
I guess all that makes sense in terms of what happens to perception after orgasm in the increase in prolactin and decrease in oxytocin and such.
And if I'm being honest, my libido has been flagging a bit in the past couple weeks, and I'm not really sure why. I haven't been orgasming any more than I used to, in fact I've been orgasming less because I don't masturbate anymore.
However, I am really limiting my time on the HOCD message boards (I don't count this as one, as it doesn't give my brain the same addictive "kick") which I think has really helped my positive outlook and mood in general. And a lot fewer HOCD thoughts. The one HOCD thought I have been getting stuck on it about giving oral sex to a guy. I have this feelings almost like I would enjoy it. Although in reality I think it would freak me out. But sometimes when I'm feeling good my brain will tell me "well what about that oral sex thing, what are you going to do about that?"
So, that's where I'm at. One interesting note: my girlfriend is going to have a surgical procedure next week and she won't be able to have sex for a month. I think this is a great time to try and go the whole time with no sex, no orgasm, just cuddling and see what happens. It will be an interesting experiment, if I can hold out that entire time. She's offered to "take care of me" in other ways, which is very generous, and that's going to be a tough offer to decline. But if I can do it I think it will be interesting to see what happens.