Two months on...

Submitted by beherenow on
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This one is almost pure complaining and cry, sorry but I have to let off some steam....

I invited some friends yesterday evening for dinner, Two Italian couples and one Swedish couple. We had a really nice time, from around 8pm till 2am. The two Italian couples are getting married this summer, and the other couple are engaged and maybe get married also next year. So there was a lot of talks about wedding plans, etc. And there started my problem! I have recently become aware that I have several CDs stuck in my head, and there are cue words or some things happens that start playing them. Eg.

- See a couple on the train, they look very much in love with each other and making out, etc..: CD1 starts playing: "Ah, look at her, is that a moustache? And she is a bit of a fatty, isn't she? and him, what the fuck? Look at his beer belly... most likely they are calling their co-dependency love....poor bastards..."...

- See a beautiful girl on the street, at the gym, somewhere at work ...CD2 starts playing "Wow, such a beautiful body.. wouldn't it be nice to have someone like her in the morning when I wake up...but who are you kidding, it is not gonna happen...."

- Chit chatting with someone at work or social event and he/she mentions husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/kids, etc.. CD3..."Oh my God, this guy has a wife and kids? She must be the ugliest women in the world. How can a women get aroused with this guy, just look at him....." really, those words are starting to annoy me these days, as it feels that I am allowed to listen to them and understand them, but never use them, if you know what I mean...

- My friends talking about their wedding plans yesterday...CD4 ..."Ah, he is gonna be so fucked up after the wedding. She doesn't even let him go out with us alone anymore, he will be completely domesticated. I am so happy that i am not getting married. But who am I kidding, nobody wants to be with me, let alone marry me....."

etc....

and all the CDs seem to end with the same track called back to self judgement and self pity..."How can you think like that? You don't even know these guys, why are you judging them? Look at yourself, when was the last time you had a girl friend? 4 years now? or is 5 already? Forget about the girlfriend, when was the last time you got properly laid? More than a year ago? Shut the fuck up, go home and jerk off to some porn or something and call that life....and pretend you are having a good life and smile all the time, cheat others but not me, you are not having a good life...all your achievements, all your running, your yoga, your workouts, your dancing...they are just trying to fill the hole that you have........" and so on and son on...

and then I arrive at work, the elevator is empty, I look at myself in the mirror. I look good, I am dressed up well, these days wearing a hat after I cut my hair short, looking sharp and classy. "What a handsome man! I am so happy to be me" I say to myself and I mean it, but only for few seconds. Seems there is the right opposite of most of the things that I described above are also with me. Pride, Narcissism, Superiority Complex..... The same thing happens when I see myself in the mirror at the gym after showering, admiring my newly acquired six packs and very toned body. The same thing happens when I go to teach a hot yoga class, which I am doing every sunday now. I imagine every women there is dripping wet when she sees me. I imagine that some of them will or have already have wet dreams of me, or they think of me when they touch themselves....

Unfortunately nothing happens in real life in that dimension for me. Except for the occasional slips of porn and masturbation, which for example is what happened after my friends left yesterday, my sex/intimacy life is at the bottom low, and it has been for quite sometime now. Though I fantasize and sometimes even believe that I am one of the most amazing and eligible guys that I know and I am happy to be myself, most of my spare brain time that is not occupied during work or doing some intense training that requires all my concentration is spent playing the CDs I examplified above over and over again.

Well, that is the current situation. I don't know exactly how to get out of it. I already did a 21 day osho dynamic meditation challenge in February, waking up every morning at 5:30, running to the meditation center, getting totally into it, and sometimes screaming so much in the catharsis phase and losing my voice for few days. It really helped and I don't feel so much bottled up anger as before, but still, you have seen what I wrote up, lots of self loathing, self esteem, judgement, both directed in ward and out ward...

Let's see what happens...at least this year, I have almost stopped reading self help/spiritual books and started doing stuff. So maybe that is the big break and I will also start doing something when it comes to sex, intimacy and relationship rather than get lost in the virtual reality world that I create in my head or get lost in front of my computer screen...

well, now time to do some long, intense run with my friend, maybe the only thing that makes me genuinely happy these days.

Happy weekend and will try to write the next blog when I am in a happy mood Smile

Comments

*sigh*

All I can say is that as guys disconnect from the constant novelty of interent porn they often report being more satisfied with real women and "imperfect" relationships. Too much choice creates dissatisfaction and, in some, OCD tendencies. Did you ever watch this TED talk?

It sounds to me like you're

It sounds to me like you're in an awkward phase between two stages? One part of you still is cynical and tends to judge by appearances, but another part of you has grown out of that. So, the part that has grown is really annoyed by the old habits and CDs.

Is there a mantra from your spiritual tradition that you can use to interrupt the CDs?

In my tradition we have a practice of calling "O Lord Jesus." The O is to release the thoughts and feelings you're mired in at the moment, and the "Lord Jesus" is to connect with the Spirit of Jesus as love, light, and life that is within us.

There is a story of the people of Israel wandering in the wilderness, and they get to some water at Mara, but the water is bitter. (maybe poisonous?) They are instructed to put a tree in the water, and the water turns sweet.

What this story means in my experience is that when I have bitter, unloving thoughts, I call on the Spirit of Jesus, which adds the killing power of the cross (tree) to my bitter water. The Spirit contains the cross and terminates everything old, dead, and bitter in me. At the same time, the Spirit breathes refreshing, divine resurrection life into me.

We have all heard that "God is love," so that's how it works in my practical experience -- that's how I release old, bitter thoughts and connect with God as love.

I realize all that might be foreign to your traditions, so here's another thought: What would it be like to commission yourself as a servant and devotee of the divine spark within the people you meet? On the outside, you look and act normal, but on the inside, you're a secret agent sensing, honoring, and blessing the deepest essence of each person you encounter. Appearances are deceptive; you may find the most beautiful spirits within the humblest husks. Make it your job to employ your spiritual senses and discover that hidden beauty.