Maybe I start this time with some update on my relationship/sex life since I stopped posting last year (it is gonna be long, sorry :-():
-in sep/oct I was in Canada for work, took few days holiday in Montreal, met a woman there, and we spent two heavenly days together. Despite the fact I was not able to get it up the first night, we ended up spending the whole of next day just kissing and touching and finally, I relaxed a bit and we had sex. I still remember the joy of dancing naked with her after that. Unfortunately, she just started her Phd (it will take 5 years) and we kinda knew it was hard to make it work when we parted. There were lots of skype calls for a couple of months, but now we have drifted apart. I think we talked maybe only one or two times this year. But I think I love her, maybe my first test of unconditional love? Because I just feel warm when I think of her or talk with her, and I don't feel jealous or anything regarding the fact she might be seeing someone else (though I never asked).
-after returning from Canada, I met another woman at a party. She was amazing, colorful, bubbly and fun! After a couple of phone calls, we started going to a lindyhop classes together, every Sunday afternoon, followed by dinners or coffee. One day I invited her to my place to practice some dance. I almost kissed her but chickened out (I dont really know why, but I think I was afraid that I might not get it up, after the Montreal experience, ...). Anyways, after that I started feeling that I have lost the opportunity and slowly started seeing less of her. Then she disappeared for a couple of months. I talked with her in February and she told me that she has been depressed during that period and was not even working. We agreed to meet, but that never materialized. I just thought maybe I should contact her again while writing this, so just wrote her a text, so maybe I will see her soon.
-There is this female friend (JoH) who is helping me with finding furniture for my apartment (I bought an apartment and moved in beginning of december). I met her just after I moved in to the apartment at a friend's party and when I mentioned my new apartment, she said she is really into interior decorating and that she would love to help. I invited her to my empty house warming party just before xmas, and at
the end just before she left we made out a bit. Since February, we have been meeting regularly, almost every saturday, to look for furniture at different stores in town, and few times we also made out, on the streets, in the shops, etc... But there was no fire really, and the kiss was missing something. Anyways, I was feeling quite weird about our situation, specially about a month ago where I was at her place and we ended up taking a nap together for about half an hour before I left (we kissed only at the door as I was leaving). Something
like this keeps running through my mind when I am with her:
This girl is very nice, so funny, so musical (she is a part time singer songwriter, and I also like to sing, so I was so happy when she was at my place and she played the guitar for Bob dylan's "I shall be released" and I was singing it), but she is not that attractive,...but it feels good to have someone holding my arms when I am walking on the street, see the other girls are now looking at you, stupid girls, they ignore my smile when I am alone and now they think I am taken and all of a sudden they start seeing me!..ah what is this smell, does she have some kind of breath smell? She has big breasts though, but big ass too..how will it be to fuck her, maybe my dick wont be big enough for her, one needs a big dick to fuck girls like her, ah if only she was petite and slim like the Indonesian girl I used to date few years back, the sex was great with her, actually the only period of my life where I was so comfortable with sex....blah blah blah...
Anyways, a week or so after our nap together I was at her place again and I brought the subject up.
I was not 100% honest but told her something like I really like her a lot (true), but I think from both our sides there seems to be not a bit chemistry when it comes to sex (partially true, I think if I was confident with my sexuality, I wouldn't mind to fuck her, she is not ugly, just not skinny enough for my taste), so why don't we stop this ambiguous way we were acting. She agreed (she also said she didn't feel the fire as well when we kissed etc, don't know if she was just saving her face). Anyways, still the boundaries are not clear with her, last weekend we had dinner together, and watched a movie and talked till about 2am at my place and she mentioned that she cant help but think about kissing me, I let that slide by. Few days back, after buying some furniture together, I stayed a bit at her place, which also ended up with us lying together and listening to music, and she mentioning something like "it is funny, I dont think of you at all when we are not together, but when I see you, I want to kiss you so much" I also didnt respond to that. Part of me thinks that I am using her, maybe giving her false hope that it might work out so that she keeps helping me in decorating my apartment, but on the other hand, I still think I am honest with her cause I told her that I am not interested in her that way....
-There is a neighbor of mine, a Ukraian girl, S, I met her through a colleague who also leaves in the neighborhood. About a month ago, this colleague had a birthday party. The theme of the party was toga party and I didnt know how to make one, so I asked S for help. I went to her place, and she helped me to prepare the toga (using a bed sheet that I brought and her white scarf) and we went to the party
together. She was looking quite pretty and I also find her very pleasant to be with (funny, homely, feminine,..) There were 30 - 40 persons at the party, maybe 20-30 of them girls, all dressed in toga and showing lots of skin, at least shoulders. I knew maybe 1/3 of them, and I spent most of the time with them. This was very different from other times, because usually I try to talk to everybody, make friends with everyone, add 20 of them in facebook the day after, etc... not saying good or bad, just different from other times.
The thing was that S started becoming very flirty, touchy-feely which caught me off guard. Actually, the evening before the party, we met in the metro on the way home, and we talked a bit about the party and when she mentioned that there were so many girls at the party, I was joking around saying then she should be my wing girl and help me pick up some girls, and she had agreed to that. So at the party, I remind her about our pact and she said OK, show me the girls that yo like. I tell her, I can also help you out, show me the guys you like. She said, no one interesting here, and to begin with I have someone (I took it to mean that she is seeing someone). I look around, and strangely enough, there were only two girls that I liked, one japanese girl, who is there with her boyfriend, and a swedish girl (later on I found out that she was also there with her boyfriend). When S saw the japanese girl, she said something like " please don't take me wrong, but I don'tsee that attractivness of asian girls. They look like children, not feminine at all. but if you like them...". I told her that I really like asian girls (true, but when I think of it is mostly related to my belief that I can satisfy and have wonderful sex only with petite girls due to my penis size complex). Anyways, it felt that she was just jealous...
There was a competition for the best toga costume that the birthday boy arranged, and I won the first prize (which was a g-string with a rooster/cock at the front, kinda a pouch for the dick :-). It was very funny with all the cat walks and everything and I think my colleague cheated a bit to make me win because there were some guys/girls that were dressed up amazingly. Anyways, I was telling S that you are the best designer and she kept telling me several times 'no you won because you have such a nice body" (the upper part
of the toga was revealing half of my torso diagonally). Instead of feeling good about that compliement, the first thing that came to my mind was "Ah, S is already drunk"...and when she kept touching me a lot while dancing the first thing that came to my mind was "Ah, S is drunk and trying to make the birthday boy jealous (they dated for a while, but now has another girlfriend)"... at some point she was sitting on my lap and I could feel my dick stirring a bit, and what I thought then was "ah, she is a bit taller than you, and also heavy (she
is not fat, but tall and a bit big boned), the sex wont be that easy, even now, you are feeling tired just letting her sit on my lap".. she ended up being a bit drunk (I was not drinking at all, I rarely do) (and I just realized that I use "ended up" quite a lot!:-) since there was too much close dancing and I could feel myself getting aroused, I was thinking of taking her to the next room or the walk in closet and kissing her, but my monkey mind kept saying "but she told you she is seeing someone... but she is drunk... what if she doesnt
want to kiss you back...what if you kiss her and she wants to fuck and you cant get it up....etc.." I managed to stole a quick one but we were dancing fast, so it landed on her cheek instead..ouch...
a while later she told me she is going home (a couple of times), and reminded me to return her scarf that she used for my toga, and I told her I will and she left..
I go back home a while back... guess what, porn and masturbation again, shemale porn again, and this time I felt very disgusted, felt empty and useless..there was this girl that I liked, who gave me lots of
signals and I manged to explain away everything and made sure I come back home alone, so that I can masturbate and feel bad as usual...
anyways, I met her last week and we went for a run together, and it was lots of fun. I will try to take her out for a dance evening or something maybe next week..
- There is this friend of mine, L, with whom I was going to dance with and also sometimes we did yoga together. We were meeting almost every weekend, dance or do yoga, and then have dinner. Several times we have been alone, either at her place or mine, dancing. But I never felt attracted to her that way. Friends were pressuring me a bit saying why dont you try with her, you seem to like the same thing, and she is really into you, no girl will spend that much time with you unless she is interested, etc...Few weeks before Easter she proposed to go for a 4 day yoga and dance festival, and I said yes. The sunday before that trip, after doing Bikram yoga together, on the way to the metro, I kissed her. Afterwards, I felt weird about it, it was not passionate at all. The trip was on thursday and when we met at the train station, I was not that warm to her and kept my distance (no touching or kissing) and I could feel that she was disappointed. Anyways, that evening I talked with her (some talk similar to what I did with JoH, we should remain friends, the reason why nothing happend for almost a year even though we were spending so much time together is because there is no such chemistry at all and we are forcing it, blah blah...). She said something like "I would be very sad just to stop it like that, lets talk about it after the festival"...
The festival was amazing. I felt so alive and free, surrounded by so many open minded people. So that night, L and I found ourselves in the middle of a cuddle party. At first, it was all innocent and fun, but soon there was one woman who was next to me, and we got so worked up, we started making out right in front of L. she stormed out of the room, and I didnt give a shit about it, I was feeling super good at that time. She left the festival early, and I acted in a very calm (but a bit selfish way) so no big drama ensued. With the woman I met there, JM, the next day, we found some private room and spent a couple of hours there. I fingered her and she squirted few times (first time that I experience this), but still I was not confident enough to have sex with her. I have some erection, but I felt it was not hard enough, so didnt want to risk it. She didn't ask me why or anything, so we spent the whole time with me just topless, she completely naked, fingering her, kissing, talking, rinse and repeat, .....
I met JM a couple of times after the festival. First time, her daughter was waiting for her at home,so we just made out like hungry teenagers for almost an hour at a park next to her place. Second time we met, which was this Sunday, there was other people around, so we were just stealing kisses here and there. I wanted to see her again this week, but she is busy with moving to her summer house, etc, so not possible. Maybe I will see her next week. What I really like about JM is that she is into tantra etc and completely sexually liberated, so if there is any women with whom I can be open about my issues, it is her. I have partially told her about my fear of performance, but not the gory details. She has mentioned I might benefit from taking a tantra course and maybe we can do one together. And I find it quite surprising that the fact that she has an 8 year old daughter, that she is 5-10 years older than me, that she looks and dresses like a barbie doll, that she is a good 5 cm taller than me and wears high boots on top of that, doesn't bother me. Lets see how it goes:-)
Oh my God, I better stop!:-)
So to summarize, still caught in the same loop of negative self image, non action, porn, guilt, negative self image, etc... but I think the guilt part has diminished quite a lot. So maybe the cycle is slowly being broken.