week 11, day 2

Submitted by beherenow on
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Ah, been almost two weeks since I was here. I have been extremely busy at work, even had to work the whole weekend on the 10th and 11th, and last week from thursday to sunday, I was on my second ski trip.

The reboot is still on track, but I am having real difficulties. I have very strong urges, even in the middle of the day at work. I distract myself by facebooking, watching funny clips, etc, eventhough I am really pressed in time and so many things to finish before I leave to mexico on saturday. Ah, on sunday, on the way back from the ski trip, they were playing "the hangover II" on the bus, and there was a very short scene where there was a shemale, and you have no idea how that triggered me. I felt so bad to go to the toilet and watch some shemale porn on my phone. Really, it was so difficult. I had to take several deep breaths, listen some meditation tracks, etc to get out of it.

I think it is mostly due to the fact that I am a bit overloaded at work, and in the bad old days, whenever that happened I used to lose control and watch porn continously. I remember, the night before my phd defence about five years ago, I was very stressed and was smoking like hell and stayed up until 3 or 4 polishing and rehearsing the presentation. But during the time between 10pm to 3am, I think I had at least 5 porn breaks, that took about 30 minutes each. Two slides...cha cha cha...repeat.... So seems such programming is really hard to get rid off, but I have survived somehow so far, and feel a bit proud. At the same time, I feel so much moodiness and emptiness because of the fighting. Ah, would have been so nice to cuddle with someone right now and forget about all this...but the reality is there is no one here except me at the moment Sad

Which brings up the girls that I am "dating"

Jo#1: Still nothing concrete. We talked few times, now she is in Greece, she will be back on Wed, and we have talked about meeting before I leave. I don't know what are the chances of that, because I am gonna be exteremly busy the rest of the week, not to mention I need like two nights free to do laundry, pack, and also work late..

Jo#2: (a Swedish girl that I met way back in January, but never managed to meet due to her travels until two weeks ago. We had a wonderful date, that ended with a kiss...) but after that we were not able to meet, either I have to work late or she has to do something else. We had agreed to meet early this week, and I wrote to her yesterday but no answer yet..I didnt want to call her not feel desperate, but come on, look at what respecting "dating rules" have brought you so far...I will call her immediately after finishing this...

K: my finish confusion. We met last week (monday) and we saw an apartment together. Then she told me that there is actually one on sale in her building, on the same floor. We went to see it, it was actually very nice, though a bit smaller than one I was looking for and quite expensive because the area is very nice, and very convenient for commuting to my work (10 minutes to work, 5 minutes to downtown). I made a bid on it, but somebody offered more. I could still have outbid the other buyer, but to leave on the same floor with her kinda scared me so I bailed out. Anyways, after seeing the apartment, we had dinner together. And as usual it was incredible, I was all the time asking myself, wtf are you waiting for, this girl is amazing. She is cute, very funny, you never had a boring minute together.. well,I wrote her also today about meeting up tomorrow (because we agreed to meet before I leave to Mexico), we are meeting at 7 tomorrow...

Two of my best friends, one Italian guy with a japanese gf, and another french guy with a chinese gf are getting married later this year or next year. They are both 5-6 years younger than me, and have been in a relationship with their gfs for 8 and 5 years, respectively. Though I am happy for them, it makes me feel sad about my situation.

And today I was looking for some couch surfers in mexico that I can meet for coffee or who can host me, and I was filtering the results by age, sex etc...till I find girls who look kinda "loose", I even wrote to one asking for some advice and if she can host me etc... my desperation sometimes sickens me. Either I have to accept that I am a man whore and want to sleep with as many women as possible (whether I succeed or not ,that is another matter) or decide if a relationship with someone is that I want and stick to it... not knowing what you really want is sometimes the worst thing... knowing what you want but not having it seems like a luxury right now.

I am rambling, I better stop now. maybe try to do some meditation...maybe it will help me the bad mood I am having right now...It can be dangerous to stay in front of the computer when feeling like this. Am I becoming addicted to this meditation/mindfulness thing? Is that good, isn't just like using drugs to escape from reality? maybe or maybe not, but at least I am sure it is better than porn

hope I will feel better soon, because I have to finish some work before I sleep tonight and it is already 8:45



you're doing great as far as avoiding porn goes

do you think you really don't know what you want?

You want to not have to decide, and you're doing a great job at it.

The apartment bidding says that you don't want a commitment right now, either to a particular girl, or a particular hobby.

So here is a suggestion. Think about a time in your life when you did commit. What happened? How was that like? Why did you commit? You got a PhD, what caused you to persist and get through that and commit?

I think that's a lot more helpful than focusing on an apparent negative.