Been a bit sick since thursday, functional and still going to work but very fatigued all the time. I tried to run to the yoga and also back after the yoga on saturday, which was not a good idea at all, that made me spend most of saturday and sunday horizontally. On sunday, I had brunch with a group of friends, went back home and slept for some hours and went to the hippy singing thing. I met J, she was there with her daughter, first time I see them together. Her kid, L was really fun, friendly and brought so much energy into the singing. We decided to meet at her summer house during the weekend (there is going to be several of us), I am going Saturday morning.
I am just coming from K's place, I was there from 8 to 11, and it didnt feel like half an hour. I brought the Tiramisu that I promised, which took me like 2 hours to prepare yesterday. I was very happy when I was making it, it made me realize that I am actually working a bit to get closer to a girl, which I have not done in a while. While I was leaving I thought of taking some condoms with me, but I didnt as I thought that will just put pressure on me, and to be honest, I didnt want to sleep with her very soon even if the opportunity arose. That made me relax a bit, going there with that clear on my mind. However, few times, I was getting the usual fear of "ah, if you dont at least kiss her today, the window of opportunity might be lost". we talked about everything (work, love, relationships, jokes, life in Sweden and Estonia,...nothing forced, everything was flowing naturally, and several funny moments and lots of laughs). Near the end, we were talking about dancing and maybe going to dance classes together (she is very much into dancing, but has not been doing it for quite a while now). We were sitting on her sofa and looking at dance video, and "shall I go for the kiss" thing kept coming, but I really didnt know if she was feeling the same or not, and also, I noticed that I didnt touch her at all, not even a nudge the whole three hours, which would have made a sudden dance move very awkward. Anyways, that was my rationalization at that time. When I said goodbye and kissed her on the cheeks, there was a fraction of a second where I thought I could go for a kiss once again.
While waiting for the train back home, the usual thought train "Ah, why didnt you just try? Women know when you are hesitating, she already have sensed that and know you are a pussy! Maybe this was your chance and you blew it up" etc etc... but I get a hold of myself... maybe she wanted to be kissed or may be not, maybe she sensed I was hesitating or may be not, maybe this was my last chance and I blew it or maybe I have tens of chances left, ....I dont know and whatever happened has happened and I cant change it...I had 3 wonderful hours with someone that I like, and that is the memory that I want to keep. If it is meant to be, it will be...OK, the last part is what I really want to feel, but to be honest, right now I am torn between the guilty, what if way of thinking and focus on the positive point of view...lets see which one prevails...
L wants to meet for tea tomorrow, I am not really up for it, but I think I at least owe her that after the awkward lunch we had about two weeks ago, so maybe I will say yes and meet her for a quick one.
On Friday, there is dinner at work for employees who had written patents during 2012. I have an extra ticket for a partner (when I signed up for it back in february, I was hoping that i will have someone to take with me). Today I was actually thinking if something happens with K, I will ask her to be my date, so I have to go alone instead. Bummer.
I feel a strong urge to browse porn right now, as that is my pattern after such happening like today where there are a lot of "what ifs" hanging around. So better finalize this blog and go to bed immediately. I have managed to sleep only 5 hours yesterday, hope I will do better today.
Ah, almost forgot, on Monday I had a wet dream. I dont remember the dream at all. Also, yesterday and today, I had some random erections, but they were all very brief.