week 5, days 3-7

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Came back from a three days ski trip on Sunday evening, my first ever (left Stockholm at 3 pm on Thursday, and came back 10:30pm on Sunday). Some details might be missing...

Day 3:

Started the day with a cross training gym class. I love this class. Now I am so focused on the training, I don't even notice the girls anymore. While at work, around 10 am, I thought of D, an Indonesian girl I met in the summer in some party. I have lost her contacts after the party but met her last week on the train. So I texted her asking if she wants to grab lunch together (she is doing internship at a company nearby). So we met for lunch at an African restaurant, and we had a very nice time.

I think this is my first proper date this year (and the start of the year more or less coincides with my reboot, though I started blogging a week or so after the reboot). She is not that pretty, but have a nice body, quite smart and fun to talk with. She seems to be a bit into me, but I am not sure about her status. For example, she mentioned that she is going to a ski trip with a friend of hers, and a bit before that she was involved a bit with a Swedish guy last year...anyways, I just saw that she has written me asking how my ski trip was and I will keep a light contact with her, maybe invite her for a dinner or something.

In the afternoon, my manager asked me if i could make some presentation for a meeting the day after, and it was a bit difficult to get it together in the afternoon, so I had to take my pc and work from home. It was a a rather crazy evening...first I went to the swedish course, which ended around 7:45, then I passed by a friend's place to get some clothes to use for skiing, then I had dinner, and then I made the presentation while doing the laundry. Somehow, I managed to finish all around 1 am, except for the packing which I postponed for the morning.

Day 4:

A quick packing, followed by an even quicker breakfast. Arrived at the office around 9:30, and had only 30 minutes to brush up the presentation one more time and rehearse it a bit. The meeting was quite interesting, and it went half an hour longer than the schedule. My presentation went all right, but I had only about 20 minutes and was not able to cover everything.

I bought some ski socks and glasses during lunch break. And soon after, we left for the ski trip. It was a company arranged ski trip, and I knew some of the people but most were from other branches. F and his gf E, D (a portuguese friend) and his italian female friend (L), O( the ukranian girl I mentioned in my blog last week) and her friend T were among the people that I knew.

It was a long trip, almost 7 hours long (which included a 45 minutes break at a restaurant for dinner where we had a nice goulash). We reached the ski resort around 22:30. I shared a cabin with F, E, two swedish guys (B and S) and one british guy (M). There were three rooms and one rest room in the cabin. The two rooms have double decker beds and the other one has a double bed, which F and E took. I shared the room with B, a very likable guy in his mid forties, with whom I actually shared the seats on the bus during the trip. D and L took the cabin next door with O and T and another couple. We were tired from the trip, so we went to bed around 11:00.

Day 5:

I slept very well and woke up at 7:30. We went to D and L's cabin next door and the five of us had breakfast together. Soon after we went to rent the skis and boots, which took quite sometime. Around 10, we met the instructors (2 hours of lessons per day was included in the trip), near the children's slope.

I can't tell you how many times I fell!:-). Specially, taking the lifts was the hardest. I smacked my balls few times on the T-lifts, which hurt like hell, and a couple of times, I was dragged several meters up the hill while trying to recover my balance. But at least I learned how to break a bit.

The nearest restaurant was up some rather steep hill (at least it seemed so at that time), so I was afraid to take the lifts, so instead I decided to walk. Ah, what a mistake, and specially considering the fact that I didn't know that I can untie my boots a bit. It hurt like hell to go up the 100meters or so up the hill. I don't know, maybe it took me 15 minutes?...hmmm, I was asking myself why i was subjecting myself to all these...

In the afternoon, it went a bit better, I went up and down the children slope like a robot. I put some nice music on my phone, and did it for straight two hours, and by around 16 when the slops were being closed, I was able to do the slope with out falling and with almost parallel skis. Light at the end of the tunnel.

We went to an after ski party about an hour after that. There was a live band playing classic hard rock tunes from bands like metallica and AC/DC. I tried a bit to go with the flow and dance a bit and force myself to enjoy it, but it was not fun at all. I don't know, I have kinda lost my appetite for such kind of music, angry music. Man, I am getting old, but I like it. I prefer now slow music, rhythmic music that you can move along with, rather than just jump around and bang your head. Also, the crowd was rather young and drunk, so all their crazy antics of dancing on the tables and pounding ski boots on the floors didn't impress me much. We stayed maybe an hour there.

We had a buffet dinner at the reception and lots of fluff talk with M, the british guy in our cabin. We were back in our cabins around 10, and I think we crashed by 10:30. I didn't know how tired I was till I hit the sack.

Day 6:

I woke up a bit earlier than yesterday because I wanted to run a bit and take a sauna before the others wake up. Running on mountains covered with snow was much harder than I expected. Too difficult to speed up the hills, and was afraid of slipping on the downhills. And at one point I was a bit further down hill and kinda looked like the start of a forest, and all of a sudden I thought what if a bear pops out of nowhere? That gave me some good adrenalin rush to speed up a bit on the uphill and I stopped after only 5Kms of running. The others had already woken up, so didn't get the chance to take the sauna.

D and L came to our place this time for breakfast. This time, I didn't follow that much of the course, I just continued with the drill of going up and down the children's slop. Around 11:30, the instructor told me and another guy that we can try the blue slop nearby before lunch. I thought he was crazy at that time, cause I was not that comfortable at the children's slop to begin with. The first time, I fell at the start of the slope, but soon managed to get up by myself and then was able to do it twice before lunch. Of course, I was breaking almost all the time, but I was smiling ear to ear when I met my friends for lunch and was shouting "I did the blue slopes, I did the blue slopes"... wow, doesn't it feel good to be a child sometime??

The afternoon sessions, I repeated the blue slops a bit and F and E encouraged me to take a long green slop that connects with the blue slops I was practicing on (it was around 2Kms long in total). They were kind enough to slow down and guide me the first time around, and I felt really awesome when I managed to do it the whole way without falling at all.

I skipped the after party this time, and instead I went to the sauna, spent about half an hour there, and then took a nap while listening to some guided visualization tracks.

Woke up around 19, and had a light dinner, pasta with pesto, which F and E cooked. We went to D and L's cabin for some drinks, but the other people there (O, T and the other couple) were not so welcoming. T went to her room after 10 minutes or so of our arrival, O kept doing stuff on her iPad for half an hour or so, and the couple were talking about going to bed soon because they had to wake up, pack and clean before 10 am. We got the hint and left soon.

Slept within few minutes after going to bed.

Day 7:

Day started early, as we had to clean the apartment spotless if we wanted to save the almost 300 dollars they charge for cleaning. WIth all six of us working together, it took us more than an hour to finish it.We were very thorough, as we didn't want to take any chances. There was no time to eat together, we eat a bit of this and that during the cleaning breaks.

That day, I skied properly the first time. The instructors took us to almost all the interesting green slopes, so very high up that took about 10 minutes on the chair lifts. Ah, it was delicious. I was addicted, I didn't want to stop, but had to about 13:00 cause our bus was scheduled to leave at 15, and we had to squeeze in lunch and also the returning of the borrowed skis and boots in between.

The trip back was rather uneventful, I slept for maybe an hour, and chatted with the lady sitting next to me. She was really nice and talked a lot about her one year old baby (she showed me her pictures, such a pretty doll!). We agreed that I will baby sit for her on the next ski trip we are together.

I arrived home 22:30, completely destroyed, and crashed immediately after unpacking.

-Quick summary during the ski trip:
--I enjoyed it a lot

--I didn't feel that much jealous about couples all around doing stuff together, as I normally do in similar occasions. Specially, when I was doing the drills up and down for almost two hours in a row, I really enjoyed it. I was trying to focus on my breathing, noticing the surroundings, in short trying to practice a bit about the mindfulness stuff I have been reading/listening to lately. However, I must admit that whenever I saw the little children skiing with their parents, I wished I was there with one of my own. Specially, there was this cutest little girl ever, maybe around 4 or 5, that was skiing really well with her mom and her brother and sisters. Ah, laughing all the time, even when she was falling. I don't think it is possible to be more adorable!

--Several times, out of nowhere, I was thinking of the she male porn. Specially, there was one particular model that kept popping up. But I was not aroused or anything. and when the thought came, I just let it be, and soon it went away by its own.

--While in the Sauna, I was quite tempted to masturbate. When I was in Denmark, i lived for a couple of years in a student apartment that has a shared sauna that you can book, and during the winter I used to go there once a week, which most of the time ended with furious masturbation. I used to do it even in public Saunas when I was sure that I was alone. But just like the she male porn that I mentioned before, the urge left me when I let it to be. That felt good.

--I was having some difficult time with my friend D. He is a really nice person, and has helped me a lot since I came to Sweden. He was the one who found me an apartment and most of my stuff is still at his storage place. But somehow he irritates me. And most of the time, I find myself interrupting him or him interrupting me. And there are a lot of details about him that I focus on, and I think he does the same about me. For example, if I say something that is trivial for the sake of small talk, he points it out and laughs about it. So there were moments when I was not talking that much, just to avoid such remarks. It was uncomfortable at the beginning, but I found it quite relaxing just to listen for a change. It felt like I was using him as my spiritual teacher for free without him knowing it!:-)


always interesting

thank you!

You will make a terrific father I am sure. It's nice to read about your life and your recovery. I also have occasional images or fantasies and I just let them fade away and they do.

I really hope

that I will make a nice father too! :-). Thank you for the nice words. And glad to hear that you are also not getting attached that much to the image and fantasy flashbacks!