week 6, day 2

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day 2

started the day with some running, roughly 10Km at a rather slow pace, just to clear my mind before my first evaluation meeting with my manager.

The meeting turned out to be more fun than I expected. We almost agreed in everything, and I was happy with the grading (I got "Exceeds Expectation", the only grade above that was "Exceptional performance", and my manager told me considering that this is my first year, it is almost impossible to get the top grade as some of the criteria is related to how much influence you have in the company strategy and it takes time for one to get some visibility and able to influence others). He pointed out the only thing that was lacking was that I was not proactive enough, which I admit completely. There has been several meetings during which I have been sitting like a zombie, or where i took my laptop with me and was browsing useless stuff on the net or checking emails. He also mentioned that the recent team leader position he put me in was actually a mini-promotion of sorts, and will give me several opportunities to develop and hopefully later this year or next year, I will be a candidate for the next available position for a senior researcher. While I was delighted with this news, at the same time I felt a sinking feeling inside, thinking stuff like "there goes relaxed working hours, napping after lunch...and here comes ten hour work days and endless meetings...".

I don't know if I have mentioned it before here but the work I am doing is not really my passion, even though I like it and I can do it quite well. So I really don't know how to change my motivation and pro activeness. For example, I only worked a couple of late nights since I started here about a year ago, and it was because I was writing a conference paper (which means free traveling to some nice place if accepted). Right now there are several ideas lying around, which with some motivation and a bit of extra effort can easily be turned into patents, but I really don't feel like doing it.

What would I wish for if a Gennie popped out of my tea kettle right now and tells me your wish is my command? Probably something like this: I want to live a renaissance lifestyle, where my main activity will be writing, and on the side I will have some business where I help people to realize a wholesome life that takes care of important issues like fitness, mental health and spirituality. Actually, that raises one important thing I have been thinking of lately. That is how I try to fill up every free time with some activity. There is almost no evening where I go home and relax and do nothing. In the context of the rebooting, this is excellent because I spend less time bored in front of a computer that can trigger old habits. But what about in few months, where hopefully I am fully in control of that part. Is a lifestyle that comprises ten hobbies and a full time job sustainable? Maybe only the important hobbies will survive and the others will just fade away. Also, when am I going to find the time to develop some relation with a girl?

Anyways, back to the day. The afternoon was fully packed with meetings, and the last one finished around 18:00. Ah, I have forgotten it was Valentine's day until I reached the metro station. There is one flower shop in front of the entrance and there maybe ten people waiting in line. In the metro, I saw several girls with a bouquet of flowers, some alone some with their lovers. One such girl that looked amazing was sitting in front of me, texting all the time, with a big smile hovering all over her face (you dont usually see that during the day here in Stockholm, specially if someone is all by him/her self). I imagined how cool it would be to be on the other side of that text. She also got off at the same station, and when I saw that she has a somehow funny way of walking, I felt good in a devilish way. I didn't feel bad because I thought that way, I just made a note of it. Why should I torture myself for thinking that way? That is the way it is for now, having fun watching the little ego play its childish tricks to feel good about itself.

When I arrived home, I was starving. I eat a pre-made salad that I bought from the super market on my way. I wanted to sleep early but L, the Italian girl with whom I was in the skiing trip with during the weekend was celebrating something at a bar two metro stations away, so I went there for a while. R, the Greek beauty was also there, and actually, I spent the whole time talking with her after saying congrats to L. I also met K there, the mexican girl I met a couple of weeks ago during a reggae concert.We agreed to go for salsa later this week, maybe on Friday.

When we were going back home, there was another Italian girl in the group, R, who was going to the same station as me and we chatted a bit. She is doing her postdoc here in stockholm and she has a face of a wife, very plain but yet beautiful, and a bit nerdy. When I went home, I felt like adding her on facebook, but then thought, what is the use, and didn't. There was some temptation to masturbate and watch porn, but it was not that strong.

Before I slept, I thought maybe I should start a gratitude journal, as I have read recently that it is one of the best ways to develop a positive outlook in life. So I wrote five things that made me glad during the day. It was actually refreshing. Maybe I should do this every night.


I don't really know...

One of the main reasons have been fear of something going wrong, as I have had several episodes of impotence since my teenage years, specially when sleeping with girls for the first time. But to be honest, I don't think that is the only reason. I don't know what stops me. It is like the first time i meet them I put a lot of effort, and once I have got their number or facebook, I simply dont get the urge to pursue them anymore. The last four or five girls I have been with, we hooked up very fast, either the first night or within a week after meeting. It seems I have lost the patience to pursue a girl for a longer duration. At the same time, I don't like going to bars and try to pick up drunk girls for a one night stand. Shit, I am really confused. One of the reasons that I am putting almost all my thinking and feeling on my blog here is actually to connect a bit with my emotions and hopefully find some explanations. I would really appreciate your take on this, I mean, do you think the reason can be something else? maybe I have left hints in my blogs?

i get the impression

You have a lot of activity in your life, which is nice, but you aren't very focused. Which is fine, and maybe I'm wrong, but you are as you say scattered over 10 hobbies and many different people and there is no focus and no time to get into anything more than superficially, including a woman.

I wonder if you could just meet a girl you could have a good sexual relationship with and focus on bonding with her. Maybe be very plain that this is what you are looking for. Lots of cuddling, physical contact, some sex, friendship so you can talk about anything. Not necessarily the love of your life. I don't know if this makes sense but just make it your goal to find one girl to have a longterm relationship with first as friends and then lovers, but make this plain that this is your desire, as soon as you can without being creepy.

I think if you are focused on this, it will happen. It's a matter of values. The other stuff then gives way because your values are higher for a girl than for the 9 other things you could do that night. And it isn't a lifetime commitment, you keep it light, and you can share with this girl and not feel intimidated in bed because you are honest from the getgo.

Does that make any sense?