week 7

Submitted by beherenow on
Printer-friendly version

Monday: dance with K, it went all right, I was a bit tired, so we didnt stay as late as last time

Tuesday: date with the beautiful girl (E) from yoga. We went to have dinner immediately after the yoga class, and it was magical, we were at the almost empty Ethiopian resturant from 7:30 to 11pm, and I didnt notice the time pass at all. I could see her showing me lots of interest like her flipping her head too much, leaning towards me on the table, lots of laughter, etc... Also, normally she dresses up in jeans and T shirts, but that day she was wearing high heels and short skirt, she looked so beautiful. At some point we were role playing where I was pretending to be a genie and she has to tell me her three wishes, and vice versa... Her first wish was to be able to surf everyday (she has caught the surfing fever in her recent travels to portugal and mexico) while still be able to be close with her family and friends, so I told her that I will bring a small part of the ocean in the middle of stockholm, near the biggest park, so that she can do that every morning. Her second wish was to fly...Granted! we both got stuck on the third one, so we said we will get back to that later on,(my first wish was to experience unconditional love and the second one was to be present all the time and don't worry about the future or get lost in thinking about things that have passed).

I felt like telling her that my third wish was kissing her right here and there, but I held back.. while we were walking to the metro, which was a good twenty minutes, I offered her my arms and she took it without hesitation and just before the metro there was a bridge and it was so beautiful view, and I said to her "Now I think I know about my third wish", I turn her around to face me and add "to get a kiss from you on the bridge"..... she turns back and says something like "No, you are not getting that wish.."... I didnt take it that bad and joked about it by saying "Aha, maybe we have to put the genie back in the bottle so that you can come out...", she said "It is not that, I really like you, but I am looking looking for that..." something like that...anyways, it didn't get weird as I kept the conversation going somehow, and joked a bit about it at the end when we parted "I am still thinking about my third wish", and she laughed, I kissed her on the cheeks when we parted...

After I went home, I can't help but kick myself for "spoiling" the almost perfect date (apparently my second wish didnt come true). I think the fact that she is going to leave to Vietnam by wednesday next week and stay there until August (she is volunteering to be a teacher in some remote area in Vietnam and also do some surfing.) kinda made me hurry and try to go for the kiss. Actually, I didnt even go for the kiss, I just asked her... I think I should put some break in this being radical honesty shit...first the thing with K, and now this, maybe no need to be absolutely honest before you know people too well (not lie, but not necessary to tell everything!). I didnt sleep that well that night, I know no use to focus on the bad aspect, but still it was impossible to forget the ending of the date....

Wednesday: went to a Yoga rave party with J and some other friends, I didnt like it that much (maybe it was party because I was tired from the only 4 hours of sleep that I have got the night before). In the begining of the party, there was some fun children like games like pairing up into two and pretending to be tom & jerry and chasing each other all around the room, and then also some pair yoga warm ups. That was lovely. Then the music started (a two man electronic band). It sucked, and it kinda irritiates me that everyone into yoga seems to think random Indian words will bring peace on earth, just repeating "govindah" hundrends of times to some random and erratic music is the road to enlightenment. Maybe simply my state of mind was a bit off that day...the date with E the day before, the sleep deprived night, and the fact that I was "stuck" with J (I mean nothing is seems to be happening with us but I still try to behave in front of her, not to dance/flirt with the other girls in the party, etc...) and the random kiss she gives me once in a while, like children kisses...ah, I think I don't wanna try anything serious with her. One thing that was holding me back was that maybe we can go to a Tantra course together at the end of July, but don't want to feel uncomfortable for one and half month just for that..She is a wonderful person and can be an excellent friend, so I will keep it that way with her. We are going together to a midsummer weekend (the same retreat where we met) along with other friends on friday. So I will somehow communicate this to her, or simply stop acting in a more than friendly ways....

Also didnt sleep that well that day..

Thursday: Was a bit stressed as I had a presentation to make for an important meeting on friday and also a couple of other things to take care of. I had planned to go to Yoga, but didnt have neither the energy nor the time to go there, so I went home a bit early to take a short nap (which ended up to be a 2 hour nap) and work. After waking up actually I went to neighbor (a colleague from Nicaragua who is married to a swedish guy) as she wanted me to meet her friend, which she wanted to set me up with. Her friend was a pure latino girl, curvy and all, very lively and friendly, but definetly not my type (have to help her carry her stuff upstairs and she had like 10 bags, all the big brands you can think of, during the 1 hour we were at my friends place was reading/writing stuff on her phone almost all the time etc...anyways, my friend told me that she has given her my phone number and maybe she will contact me (as she is gonna stay a couple of days at their place while they are away on holiday in the coming few days)... I went back home and started working, it went well, I finished my slides around 1:30am, slept, but just to wake up around 5:15, and no sleep afterwards....

Friday: 3 days of not sleeping well has taken its toll, and I was sleepy the whole day, which was also full of meetings at work. Fortunately, I was able to give a good presentation. After work, I went to yoga, was hoping to see E, but she was not there. I had a date setup with L, whom I met a couple of weeks ago. We had dinner and danced a bit (the same place). It went really well, but there was really not that much spark, and also thinking of what happend on tuesday with E, I didnt get try physical at all (eventhough there was a lot of touching due to the dancing...). We parted around 11, and we might see each other soon. I don't mind going for another date with her, but my interest in her is no way closer to that of E. Both are very fascinating but more physical attraction and call me shallow, youth (E is 24 and L is 33). Also, for some reason, L seems to be someone who has seen it all, while E is still curious about things...

Saturday: Went to yoga in the morning. Was a bit early, so I lied down and relaxed. When class started, I open my eyes and E was on the mat next to me. But I try to get eye contact and smile, but she was not looking back. The course went really well, and afterwards, I stayed a bit at the resting/refreshment room (where I usually go for 5 - 10 minute before hitting the showers and that is also where I met her and asked her out last week..), but she didnt come (apparently she went directly to the changing rooms). After leaving the studio, I called her, we chatted a bit, and she told me that is meeting a friend and doing some shopping and prepare for her long trip. She asked me a bit about the yoga rave thing, as I had mentioned it to her during our dinner, and a bit of small talk, and then I told her that I hope I will see her at the yoga place before she leaves, maybe grab a farewell cup of coffee or something. She said that she will be coming to yoga before wendesday, but not sure which time... maybe i have to do a double class to see her!:-)

Anyways, felt the conversation was a bit cold, comparing it with tuesday where we talked so many things from our first crushes to attachment versus being free...

Met my friend G for lunch and afterwards we spent something like 4 hours walking around the city, having icecream, laying on the park and complain about our girl problems, how it is easy for him to start things up with girls but it always ends up bad, and how hard for me to start things with the girls i like but how easy I find it to be friends with them. We were joking between the two of us, we can make one guy who will have no problem with girls:-). One of his exes who is going to leave back to Norway joined us around 4pm, and I left them alone as he still has some unresolved issues.

Went for a run, it was amazing to see how bad my running conditions has become just in skipping most of the last three weeks due to injury. I am gonna see a physio on monday, and hope I will be able to get back on track soon. I miss runnning so much, specially when the weather is so delicious!!

J, my "decorator" came, we had dinner, and we spent about three hours looking for furnitures online. We were quite productive and found lots of stuff. Hopefully we will be able to order them within a week's time. Afterwards, we decided to watch a movie, and she wanted to see an animation. I googled for the 50 best animations ever, and while looking into the least, she pointed out Aladdin! All the genie stuff in the movie made me think of E and the date with her, specially when the genie was telling Aladdin the exceptions for making wishes (that he cant kill, or make another person fall in love with him...). And at some point J asked me what will be my three wishes!..told her the same thing as i told E, unconditional love and being present. It was a nice cozy evening with her, but as always it ended up a bit weird where we were cuddling, her fingers running over my chest, me getting a good solid "confused" boner as "rationally" I dont find her attractive and still think she smells a bit funny, etc... she took the 1:10 am train back to her place...

I just cant stop thinking about E... I really hope I will see her before she leaves. Part of me is saying, come on you were thinking about K the same way few weeks before, but the other part wants to believe this is different... with K it was only physical attraction and have nothing in common except for dancing, while E is so full of life and passion, etc, etc.... again it seems I need more than one genie to make my second wish come true...but at least I think my heart is opening up slowly and slowly, it has been really long time since I felt like the past few days, so at least that makes me feel happy and more alive in a weird kind of way

2:07 am.. have to wake up before 9, time to crash...

Comments

I know your

dilemmas are hard on you, but most guys would think you lucky. I'm sure E dressed up "for you." Not sure what's going on now. No point in worrying about any of it until she's back home. Seriously. No real relationship is possible until then anyway.

i know that

no relationship is possible till she is back, but i want to meet her before she leaves and also keep in touch while she is there..otherwise, out of sight, out of mind, you know ( both from her and my side)..

on the bridge

you did nothing wrong. In fact, you might have just bravely said that at the restaurant "my third wish is to kiss you" and then tried to kiss her. What's wrong if she pushes you away playfully? What's the big deal?

This is stuff to practice -- escalation, moving forward, getting a yes or a no, rather than just leaving things a bunch of "maybes." It's better to practice being more assertive and moving forward no matter what the reaction, than to hang back and wait and not do that.