week 9, days 1+2

Submitted by beherenow on
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I started monday morning with a body pump class at the gym. While taking shower back at home I have one of the strongest porn urges so far since the rebooting. I almost succumbed to it. It was strange to feel like that at around 8 in the morning, specially after coming back from exercising. Fortunately, I managed not to. I was thinking of writing some personal emails while eating breakfast, but I just fled from my apartment because I couldnt trust myself with a computer on when feeling like this. The urge kinda evaporated the moment I left.

At lunch time , i checked my gmail, and the american girl has written a mail to all of five of us (Me, two other guys, the Indian-American and Icelandic girl) saying lets do something soon. Maybe we will end up going out together soon..

Ah, I forgot, sunday afternoon, K, the Finnish girl whom I have given up (because I thought the window has closed with her as we had been on four dates and nothing has happenned) rang me up out of the blue and said she wants to meet on monday(it has been more than a month since we talked and have not met at all this year). I didn't have any plans on Monday so I agreed. Her plan was to go the gym together Monday evening to do some spinning and take it from there.

On Monday afternoon she wrote me saying something like "sorry sorry, I just found out it is X's birthday tonight and have to go dinning with her. Can we meet instead next week as I am away during the weekend" I was a bit annoyed, but I wrote her back nicely with some joke on what I am planning to buy her for her birthday (a calendar, of course) and that she really have to do something nice to me to be forgiven" ... she wrote back a very long text message saying she will do whatever it takes to be forgiven, how the fault is not really hers but X's, blah blah..didnt reply to her last message...lets see what happens then... Oh God, I am so distracted. What I need at the moment is one girl with whom I can connect a bit with, and calm down a bit, but instead....

Yesterday evening at home, I was expecting to skype chat with the korean girl, who is now in France. I wrote her on sunday congratualting her on making it to paris safe, and asking how she is doing (and wrote also that I miss her a bit blah blah) and that we should talk soon on skype. She replied immediately saying she also wants to talk, and ended the mail with a sentence "So shall I wait naked for you?"...Which is an obvious sign for skype sex...I used to do that a lot with M, the indonesian girl I was dating back in 2008/2009..and I was as addicted to it as porn (we were not using video calls as I didnt have a webcam by then). The fact that it is gonna be with a webcam got me aroused immediately. I wrote her back a reply saying that "No, I want to undress her instead". So yesterday, I checked on her on Skype a couple of times, rather confused I must say, because part of me was too excited about it but another part was doubting if this thing can be considered porn and that I have to restart the rebooting process again...fortunately she was not online, so nothing happened.. So a question, do you consider it the same as masturbating while watching porn if you have a web cam sex with some one you have already slept with?

I called Jo today, we laughed about Saturday, she told me that it was not really her day and she is having days like that lately because she is a bit stressed because she is jobless at the moment and the future is not looking so bright. We talked for about 45 minutes, I enjoyed talking with her, but still it didn't feel the same as last Wednesday... And it felt like a talk between friends, there was no sexual tension at all. My plan was actually to invite her to dinner on Saturday as I was going out with F, his gf, G, and a common friend of us S, who is celebrating her birthday. But when Jo reminded me about her joblessness, I didnt want to push her as the place we are going to is a bit expensive. But I still mentioned that I am meeting some friends on Saturday and she can join us. Why didn't I just her out alone? I don't know... Have I already given up on her? One bad episode and that is it, next? next what? next whom? It is not that she doesn't know my interest, why do I pretend to be so cool and indifferent towards her while talking, as if that kiss didn't happen? At some point we were talking about kids and relationships, she said she really feels that it is time for her to get kids and family (she is 33)...and what do I answer when she asks me back...ah, relationship is gonna be a challenge for me as I have been spoiled on being single for too long...bravo, dick head...

well, there is one Indonesian girl D, i am having lunch with tomorrow, and on Thursday I am going out dancing with the Swedish girl J, whom I have met about a month back but was not able to meet again as she was traveling....and there is a couch surfer from England who is asking to be hosted during the weekend....I know a bird in hand is worth more than ten in the bush...but I still keep on running towards the bush ...right now there is quite a complex algorithm running on the back of my mind trying to convince me that Jo is after all not that good, forget about her..she is taller than you to begin with, and as you have already seen, she can be rather moody...etc...I feel that familiar sinking feeling in the stomach once again, the one that I usually feel when I start getting disconnected with a girl that I was getting (or planning to get) close to...

I think I really need some guidance here...

Time is already past midnight.. I was supposed to go to cross fit class tomorrow morning at 6:30, I don't think I will be able to make it. I better cancel it....

At least I am back on track now with the blogging:-)