I'M CURSED

Submitted by bonerrific on
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I'm an attractive fucking man who can't get it up! I get signals women practically every time I leave my house! I know this sounds like bullshit but I swear I am just saying it how it is! Girls smile at me all the time! Today for instance I was sitting in Caffe Nero reading Slaughterhouse-Five just minding my own business and this absolutely beautiful girl walks in and sits down right next to me. I hadn't noticed her walk in as I was reading. There were chairs and couches available all over the cafe but she made it a point to sit down right next to me, and I wasn't sitting in some amazingly exceptional, marble shrine area either. I heard a 'hello', looked up from my book to see a face so beautiful I instantly felt tongue tied, and she asked if she could sit on the couch I was sitting on. I said of course, put my bag down, and so she sat.

She was my exact perfect type, Spanish/Italian brunette looking, just absolutely perfect, the kind of girl I can fall in love with. I didn't look up from my book once she was seated. I felt awkward as hell. After about fifteen minutes I got up and left. Haha.

I know this sounds like I'm being incredibly conceited but this kind of stuff has happened to me before. I remember second week during university I was just sitting in the common room talking to people in my dorm and this drunk girl whom I had spoken with before (while she was sober) walked in wearing her pajamas and sat on my lap. She was totally wasted, not exceptionally attractive, but you know, shaggable sure. Since I had no experience then and felt like I'd be taking advantage of her if I did something so I picked her up and took her back to her room.

One time I was at this pub with my friends and these drunk Polish girls sitting across from us came over and start talking to us. I noticed two of them looking over their shoulder at me and smiling. I smiled back. Then a few others of them came over. This girl was just like, "Oh my god, you are so handsome! You look really nice!" and she was really attractive blonde, too. She started complaining about her boyfriend back home while she was sitting next to me, haha, and she even gave me her address for crying out loud.

Another time I was standing at a bus stop with my friend just talking to him and this gorgeous drunk girl in a red dress started blowing kisses at me, I swear to god, and she wouldn't stop doing it! She kept doing it for like three minutes until her bus showed up while I just stood there awkwardly knowing I couldn't do anything about it. Once I was in an elevator at the Hilton at about 11 pm going to my friend's room. This American woman was inside and she actually started chatting me up... like women chat ME up, I don't even have to say anything. She offered me sex right there! She asked me my name, I told her and she replied that it was pretty. She then asked what I was doing tonight and I said I was just going to my friend's place briefly and that would be it. She licked her lips and said to me, "the night is young." IF I HAD A WORKING DICK I COULD HAVE GONE TO HER ROOM AND FUCKED HER. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE HOTTEST ONE NIGHT STAND EVER.

These are just a few examples. There are many, many more.

Ugh. I'm sorry to be such a vain prick but can you imagine how shitty I feel? Every time I'm out I can basically get a girl's number without a problem. If I had a dick that worked I could get laid pretty much every single night... but I'm cursed. And then there are girls I've liked in the past that I could have had the most incredible relationships with but it all went to hell because I couldn't do it. I still see women express interest in me ALL THE TIME, even if it's just something as trivial as a smile. I just know when a girl likes me, and I know all I have to do is ask her out, but I don't do anything 'cause I know I'm broken.

Can you imagine how this has shaped me as a person? It's destroyed me. I could have been alpha as fuck but now I have nothing but regret and 'all that could have been but wasn't'. Goddammit.

Comments

Blessed, not cursed

It's true that it sucks to be recovering from PMO and its effects. I'm with you there. But I think it's a pretty common problem nowadays; it's just that most people don't talk about it. Can you imagine guys in the locker room saying to one another, "yeah, lately I can't get it up because I've been jerking too much to porn"; that'll never happen.

You are blessed because you know what your problem is, and you're doing something about it. You can get yourself well (with persistence and time) because you know what to do (and what not to). That's more than most.

You're also blessed because you have plenty of inspiration available all the time. Sure it feels more like frustration than inspiration, but compare your situation to someone who is physically unattractive. In their case, I imagine the attachment to porn and fapping would be much greater and more difficult to let go of because of less potential for real-life encounters with attractive mates.

Use these come-on's as fuel for your no-pmo and no-fap program. Use your frustration to be angry at porn for what it's done to you. That anger helped me tremendously. Once I found out what it had done to me, I quit porn immediately and never looked back. It was the anger that sustained my resolve.

Also try and talk to these lovely ladies. Engage them as people. Look past their beauty to the person inside. Think about getting to know them instead of fucking them. Thinking about fucking them is engaging the same circuits in your brain as viewing porn, which only makes things worse for you. In time, you will find someone you really like, and she will understand your situation, and be patient with you.

"Blessed, not cursed."

Thank you for your post. I think what you've said shows the fundamental contrast between how an optimist (you) thinks and how a pessimist (me) sees things. You're right, I do have more inspiration than somebody who finds it difficult to get women. The thing is, when I look back at how many relationships and how much sex I could have had, and how I still get opportunities all. the. fucking. time. but can't take them, it just makes me feel like utter shit.

The other thing is I still have doubts over whether or not this will even work. I know there are so many testimonials online and I've read a whole bunch of them, but I still have this nagging feeling that it won't help and perhaps I have another problem, like low testosterone or something, I don't know. Or maybe my brain is so hardwired to pornography that I just can't do a damn thing about it.

And lastly, it's not like I haven't been trying to quit porn... I just can't! I've never made it past seven days and I've been trying for two years! I just can't seem to do it! I've tried things like porn blockers and whatever but I've never been able to manage it! I just find it impossible. I mean I can sit here now and tell you that 'THIS TIME' I'm gonna do my 'VERY BEST' but it just never works out. I always lose! If I can't even make it past day 7, how on earth am I EVER going to do this?? Hell I've only made it to day 7 on like three occasions!

Blah, I'm sorry, I'm venting and I'm just extremely pissed off. My friends think I'm a total weirdo, I think they've started thinking I'm gay or something. Goddammit I am just so frustrated and sick of all this bullshit. I feel cheated out of life and I'm angry and I just feel like I'm absolutely stuck.

Trust me, it's definitely the porn

It will work if you give up the porn. If you had a physical ED issue, then you wouldn't be able to wank to porn either. Your brain isn't hardwired to porn, but it is strongly wired to porn right now. It takes time to restore your brain's balance and sensitivity; but that won't happen (ever) until you give up the porn. This is all made crystal clear on yourbrainonporn.com. If you haven't done this already, you should watch all of the videos on that site and read everything you can find there. It's very helpful.

I found this post very helpful in kicking the habit: http://yourbrainonporn.com/im-going-reveal-you-1-secret-overcome-pornogr.... Give it a read if you haven't seen it already.

Being a recovering addict myself, I feel your pain. I know it's not easy. If you are finding that you can't do it alone, that should be even more cause for concern about the severity of your addiction and would indicate (to me) that you should strongly consider reaching out for some help; 12-step program, therapy, etc. There are even online porn-cessation coaching programs that can help you kick it. The question isn't can you kick it; you absolutely can. The question is how determined you are to do it.

You are angry, and you should be. You're an addict, and your addiction [to porn] is completely ruining your sex life. But do yourself a favor and drop the victim attitude right now. You got yourself into this, and you can get yourself out of it, but only if you commit 100% to succeeding at it, even if it means getting some help. How would you like the rest of your life to be like it is now? That's what will happen if you don't man up and throw down the gauntlet.

Thanks again for your message

Can I just ask you, how bad was your copulatory ED before you started your reboot? How long have you been rebooting for? Have you seen results? Is your ED gone?

I ask because I've seen reports on this website where people have been 'rebooting' for over six months and still remain stuck in the flatline stage. That scares the shit out of me. I know I have to try either way but I have a real fear of remaining stuck in the flatline forever.

Thank you for that link. It's a pretty good post, helps to give you an idea of the right frame of mind you need to be in.

We're all different

Forget about other people's results and either get down to business solving your problem for real or resign yourself to live with it forever. It's not about how long it takes (me, you or anyone else) to recover, it's about convincing yourself that porn is poison to you and choosing to never use it again no matter what. I don't know if there is healthy use of porn for some people, I just know there isn't for me. Think of an alcoholic; they can't take just one drink, but I can. That's because I'm not an alcoholic. Porn is poison for you man...trust me. Have you gone through the material on http://yourbrainonporn.com? It's really informative. That information is what helped me understand just what I'd gotten myself into (and how to reverse it).

In my particular case, it's hard to say exactly how bad my copulatory ED was because I was compensating for it by smoking weed and using intense porn fantasies during sex. Without the weed AND the porn fantasies, I couldn't get it up. Even with all that, I still had pretty severe delayed ejaculation.

I had been using porn since my teen years. The really high-speed stuff didn't come until later (because I'm middle aged). Given that, my erectile recovery was amazingly quick (like a few weeks); mostly because I didn't have unlimited access to high-speed internet porn until later in life, after my sexual wiring had already taken place.

My sex life is totally cured. 100%. Sex with my wife of almost 20 years has never been better, and I'm less than 6 months into my recovery. We just took a vacation together and over the course of 4 days, we probably had sex a dozen times for a total of like 15 hours. It was amazing! But that's just my experience. I know a lot of guys struggle for quite some time. I hear it's harder when you're not in a relationship.

Anyway, my message to you is that the information is out there. It's real, it works, and it's definitely for you. Just go do the difficult, uncomfortable work. Suffer the withdrawal symptoms. Get some help so you're not alone in this. Keep posting. But most of all, commit to giving up the porn. That's what's messing with your head(s).

I am sorry

the following could be destructive:

What do you expect a girl´s behavior nowadays? In a sexed up world a LOT of girls are very offensive and try to show themselves as sexually "open" - that´s what they think is expected! It´s not necessarily about YOU as a person but as a character in their self-publicizing play.

When a man stares at me and his eyes wander to my breasts every few seconds I don´t feel flattered. Instead of looking at a screen he stares at me, that´s what it is. But if a man is interested in personal things and doesn´t even make a single try to flirt with me I feel flattered because he doesn´t use me as an object to boost his ego or train his ability to flirt - he wants to meet ME. Most girls would be disappointed he didn´t make a try but I feel more comfortable when I am not seen as an object to "catch". Later on there can appear flirtatious situations, that´s ok and good but if it´s reduced to flirt I miss the individuals in that play. I mean, flirting is nice but it´s just a game.

So if the girls only blow kisses to you or similar things AND many of them are drunk when they do something like that, they probably are not interested in you as a person but in you as a part of their play. And this is exactly the kind of play you should avoid when you suffer from porn-induced ED - those girls represent the porn-world (I mean, not all of them and smiling isn´t something bad). But I would look out for girls that are interested in you as a person because otherwise you will trigger the porn-addicted parts in your brain (hard not to in this world nowadays). It´s nice to have some friendly conversations, too - it doesn´t have to be "fucking". I guess the whole thing must be frustrating for you but if you leave "fucking" behind for a while you will begin to enjoy the little non-sexual things that happen between people. Don´t be upset you couldn´t go for a girl - instead enjoy that beautiful girl next to you...maybe like you would enjoy a beautiful picture (nobody expects anything from a picture, it´s just "there" and beautiful).

Hope you get the idea right. Wish you all the best. Smile

It's not just about sex...

Believe me when I say this, it really isn't just about sex for me... not at all. In fact I used to be a hopeless romantic for the most part. I regret not having relationships with girls more than just not getting laid all the time, although both suck.

I have an older blog entry where I describe two particular relationships that I could have had which I regret pretty much more than anything. If you're interested you can read it here:

http://reuniting.info/blogs/bonerrific/painful-dream

One of those girls was one of my dearest friends and definitely the closest and most intimate I've ever been with anyone else. It actually haunts me that nothing happened with her. We're still friends but we're not as close as we used to be because I've been away for so long and have only recently returned to the UK. Thankfully I'm not in love with her anymore which I'm very grateful for as I can finally move on. We still are strongly attracted to each other though.

I know all these 'non-sexual' things you speak of that you can enjoy with a girl because this girl was practically my girlfriend at some point, just without the sex. We even used to sleep in the same bed when she'd stay at mine. It was platonic as hell but this really wasn't friendzone shit (and we'd often kiss when drunk). She gave me so many signals, so many times when she wanted me to make the move, but I never did. One particular opportunity that could have truly been something magical is mentioned in that link I've posted above.

So yeah... it's not just about sex... it's about all the best things life has to offer that I've missed out on. These things that define you as a person and when you look back at a life of missed opportunities you have nothing left but regret.

Thank you for your message.

What about talking with the sober ones?

There are other subjects besides where to have sex as fast as possible.

The more you normalize such encounters instead of seeing them only as "performance demands," the easier it will be for you to shift gears.

How many days are you without porn? That's the bottom line. No need to post your teasing encounters. We want to hear how your recovery is going. Smile
 

Welp

I'm 2 days without porn. Normally I fail on day 3 or 4... like, every time. We'll see.

Recovery isn't going well. :(

What if you focused on other

What if you focused on other aspects of these interactions? There can be something more than how attractive anyone is or whether one can get an erection on demand. Perhaps then your brain will sychronize better with your errection.

It could help not to focus on what wasn't and pay attention to what might be.

'Other aspects'

Well, I know what the other aspects of these encounters are and they equate to mundane friendship. I have female friends, I don't really need more. All I want is to be a normal functioning male and finally being able to be the man I want to be and not a broken dude with virtually no reason to live.

Snuggling and sleeping together

and getting to know someone in a deeper way are things you probably can't get from mundane friendships.

You may well be right: it may take you six months or longer to recover from ED. I think you will torture yourself less if you just accept that as a fact, and get started with your reboot/recovery, by stopping the PMO. In the meantime, why not make the best of your recovery time? Why not find someone who would be willing to hang out, snuggle up and sleep with you, and without sex for however long it takes to recover? In other words, a long-term girlfriend, just without the sex.

I'm really curious what you think about that idea. On the one hand you say "Believe me when I say this, it really isn't just about sex for me... not at all. In fact I used to be a hopeless romantic for the most part. I regret not having relationships with girls more than just not getting laid all the time, although both suck." (I feel similarly, and can confirm that the romantic, non-sexual aspects of a relationship can be pretty nice. Did you read my story at http://www.reuniting.info/node/7970 ?)

On the other hand, you said "There were two girls in my life that I wanted more than anyone else to be in a relationship with. One of them was a close friend of mine whom at some point I was pretty much in love with. She was a blonde, Norwegian girl with the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen (and they still are). I had a real chance with her. We were intimate and extremely close without ever actually having sex, obviously due to my 'condition'. We used to sleep in the same bed and we had kissed many times while we were drunk. The one time I knew I could definitely have had sex with her was when she was upset about family related problems. In the morning we woke up together and I gave her a massage and wrapped her in my arms with my chest pressed against her back. She was breathing really heavily and I could feel her heart beating. But yeah... I knew I couldn't do it so I asked her if she'd like some tea. I got up and left to the kitchen and wanted to shoot myself."

I absolutely understand the feeling of wanting to shoot oneself. When I was in my teens through mid-20s, I was painfully shy. I could rarely strike up a conversation with attractive women, and even more rarely could I arrange a date. I wanted to shoot myself (figuratively speaking) because of internal conflict: an intense desire to get into a relationship, vs. fear of approaching and engaging with women. I guess it was fear of rejection. How silly, really.

These days, I have great confidence that I could find another woman to have a relationship with, if the need arose. That confidence comes from attracting two or three women who wanted to hang out with me for at least several months. One is my wife, another is the goddess I wrote about in my story. I also have confidence that I have things to offer that would be valued by the type of women I would want to attract. Love, kindness, patience, tolerance of occasional unpleasant behavior, affectionate touch, willingness to spend quality time together. I'm not just out to "get something" without giving something in return. Anyway, if a woman rejected me now, I might be disappointed, but I wouldn't be crushed. I would think, she doesn't know what she's missing.

I would also not be in a rush to have sex. I would want to know what it's like to be with this woman in the 23+ hours of a day when we're not having sex. Do I feel emotionally safe with her? Do I enjoy spending time with her, outside of bed? I don't want my judgement clouded by desperation to have sex, or by orgasm hangovers.

What sort of woman do you want? Do you want an endless string of one night stands? Or do you want to find someone you can have a long term relationship with? If you want one night stands, you'll have to wait until your ED is cured. If you want a long term relationship, you can start looking NOW.

If you find someone who is willing to hang out with you while you have ED, chances are she will still be interested in hanging out with you after you recover.

I also wonder why you are so terrified that your friends might find out that you have ED. If you told them that you have ED, but you think it's probably (cross your fingers) curable, what terrible things would happen? You might even be doing your friends a favor, by warning them about the dangers of porn.

"My friends think I'm a total weirdo, I think they've started thinking I'm gay or something." Would it be worse if they knew you have ED? (Not that I have any objection to people being gay.)

>Romantic long term

>Romantic long term relationship or one night stands?

As you quoted above, I said I used to be a hopeless romantic - key words being 'used to be'. In the past all I really wanted was to fall in love with a girl and be with her for the rest of my life. As I've grown older I've realised that perhaps that's an unrealistic expectation to have. I've been in love and it sucked because nothing came of it, but let's say my cock did actually work, I made the move, we went out and it was terrific... while it lasted. Unfortunately I don't believe most relationships are built to last. No matter what, after about three years the 'love spark' will diminish and you'll desire other people sexually. It's just the way it works. As human men we're wired to want to as many mates as possible and in this modern, 'sexually liberated' world, that's exactly what's happening. So eventually you have a painful breakup that takes its toll on both of you. Why on earth would I want something like that?

People are fucking each other left, right and centre. So be it. I don't think it's a bad thing if you're not cheating on someone. It doesn't have to be vapid and soulless either. You can be passionate about having someone like a fuck-buddy. The truth is that though I wouldn't mind a relationship, I would much prefer a 'no strings attached' deal. That way you take advantage of the sexual attraction but don't get bogged down by any emotional investment. I will one day want to have a long term relationship and that will be when I'm ready to start a family. I'm not anywhere near that stage in my life yet.

I hate to admit it but I'm also paranoid of women. That obviously stems from my own perceived inadequacies and insecurities. I'm sorry but I'm just being 100% honest about myself here. Sexual attraction is not a choice. Human beings, both men and women, will always want the best mate they can have. Let's say I have a girlfriend that I really like and then suddenly an available Brad Pitt in his prime shows up. Why on earth would my girl want to stay with me? If I'm not around and Brad Pitt makes a move on her, with all his good looks, fame and riches, and there's no way that I'd be able to find out about it, would she really say 'No'? Now Brad Pitt is obviously an extreme example, but there are guys in the world who might be much better looking than I am, or be richer, or even just click better with my girlfriend than I do. If a girl ever cheated on me I'd be crushed.

Look I'm not saying that we're robots or animals driven by their hormones and absolutely nothing else. I know we show restraint, of course we do. I know that we don't fuck every single thing we see just because some mutual sexual attraction exists. If that was the case, no relationship would have ever worked in the history of man. I'm simply explaining why I'd prefer to be single and have a fuck-buddy/one night stand over being in a relationship because you asked... but that doesn't mean I don't want a relationship. Just explaining the preference in a long winded, over-bloated manner.

>I also wonder why you are so terrified that your friends might find out that you have ED. If you told them that you have ED, but you think it's probably (cross your fingers) curable, what terrible things would happen?

Well, they'd know I'm a liar. See dude, it's pathetic but I've been lying about my virginity for a very long time now. When I was 16 I moved to a boarding school and the guys there asked me if I was a virgin. I lied and said I wasn't. Then when I was 18 I moved to university and again the new people there asked me if I was a virgin and again I lied. Now you see, this lie was supposed to be entirely harmless because I just thought I'd have sex during uni and it wouldn't be a problem... and it shouldn't have been. I got a girlfriend within the first month of being there and that was when I discovered that I couldn't have sex. If I didn't have porn induced ED, I would have had sex and that would have been it, no worries, no more V-card. Unfortunately harsh realities of life slapped me in the face instead. Hell, technically I'm not a virgin as my dick has actually been inside, but it was semi hard and went completely limp in about ten seconds.

Do I wish now I had just been honest from the beginning? I most definitely wish I had been honest about my virginity from day one. It might be hard for you guys to believe after these lies I've admitted to but I'm actually an honest person apart from this one facet of mine. I reiterate that it was supposed to be harmless as I was 'supposed' to have sex at university and it wouldn't have mattered but it didn't fucking work out that way. I don't think I'd have ever told anybody irl about having ED though. Fuck that, it's far too embarrassing and emasculating. Most guys who have ED probably don't, which is probably why these forums are so successful.

bonerrific wrote:

[quote=bonerrific]
I don't believe most relationships are built to last. No matter what, after about three years the 'love spark' will diminish and you'll desire other people sexually. It's just the way it works. As human men we're wired to want to as many mates as possible and in this modern, 'sexually liberated' world, that's exactly what's happening. So eventually you have a painful breakup that takes its toll on both of you. Why on earth would I want something like that?
[/quote]

You're not wrong, but there's more to it than that. What you're referring to is called the "Coolidge Effect". Marnia's book does a great job of explaining it, but if you want a short version, maybe this will help: http://www.reuniting.info/PTblog/primer.

Basically, I think of myself as a kind of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. When my "mating program" is in full swing, my brain is ruled by dopamine that's driving me to seek "strange", and porn is the easy way to get it. You're absolutely right about the average human male (not just humans - all mammals) largely being driven this way. But that's not the only program that affects my sexual appetite. The other "bonding program" is moderated (at least in part) by another neurochemical oxytocin. That one makes you "love the one you're with".

So if I had a chance to call timber on Jennifer Lawrence, would I do it? Well that depends on whether or not I was feeling more like Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde at that particular moment.

Your point of view is how most people think. But I consider myself lucky to have discovered Marnia's book because reading it has given me (and my wife) a clear understanding of the problem, and tools to solve it without resorting to cheating, divorce, or a long, dull sexless marriage. But there is no free lunch. Read the book. Edumacate yourself.

Maybe you don't have ED either

My wife and I were virgins when we got married. Although we tried several times every night, I didn't get it all the way in and have what you might call "successful sex" until four days later. There were probably several factors that made the first time difficult: she was tight, due to being a virgin, and probably due to nervousness. I came down with the flu or something on my wedding day. I was sick in bed for several days. But mostly I think it was just lack of practice. Learning how to have sex is like learning to drive. You can read about it, you can watch videos of people driving, you can even play video games where you drive. But it takes several several days or weeks of practice to learn to drive a real car - to start and stop smoothly, to keep it centered in the lane, to make turns, and to pay attention to traffic signs.

Maybe some of the other guys on this forum would care to comment. Did you have the same sort of difficulties I had, the first time you had sex?

Years later, there was a period of seven years when we didn't sleep together or have sex at all. When we got back together, it was like starting over. For several days, I had a hard time getting it up and getting it in. At the time I thought it might be ED. Now I think I was just out of practice, plus there was a lot of tension between us - we were not getting along with each other very well. She had agreed to get back together with me rather grudgingly.

Even now, maybe once or twice a year, I have times where I have a hard time getting it in. It can be due to feeling rushed, or getting frustrated - "Aargh, this isn't working!" That results in anxiety, which really kills erections.

You've heard of performance anxiety? You're feeling under pressure to "perform." That pressure can come from yourself, or from the person you're with. Because of the anxiety, nothing happens. Which causes even more anxiety...

I would suggest that the way out of that vicious cycle of performance anxiety, is to find someone you feel COMPLETELY safe and comfortable with. Someone who won't get impatient if you can't get it up. Someone who wants to be with you for other reasons than just having sex.

I think your green-eyed Norwegian goddess might be such a woman. It seems like you've been avoiding her, because of your concern about ED, not the other way around.

What do you think about contacting her, as I suggested before? Just treat her as a friend and consultant for now (mainly to keep the pressure off yourself to not be yourself with her). What do you think would happen if you told her about the ED? Do you think she would make fun of you and tell all your friends? Or do you think she would respond in a friendly fashion, and tell you what she thinks from a woman's perspective?

No it's definitely porn

No it's definitely porn induced ED (or at least, I /hope/ it's that). I have all the classic tell-tale signs. I didn't feel any performance anxiety at all with any of the girls I failed it. I just wasn't turned on. It felt weird and alien to me. Like I'm there with a flesh and blood woman, feeling her body and everything, but my dick just doesn't give a shit. I'm just so conditioned to jerking off in front of a screen that it's as if my body sees that as sex rather than what actual sex is supposed to be. I wake up with morning wood sometimes but it's very weak. I've been to strip clubs and I didn't get a solid woody. My friends grind with girls at clubs and apparently get rock hard. When I've grinded with girls nothing happened in my pants. I kiss girls and don't feel shit.

At least another person has given me an orgasm though. The third girl I tried with made me cum via blowjob. To date it remains the greatest, most memorable and powerful orgasm of my life... just wow. I could be like 75% hard so long as she kept sucking and she was really good (sorry to be so lewd but this website obviously ain't for kids). When I tried to have intercourse (with condom) it went flaccid immediately. So long as she kept sucking though I could stay hard enough and when I came it was like rainbows in my brain. I'll never forget that orgasm.

Anyway, regarding my friend, nah. First of all she has a boyfriend now (not that it really matters but I don't want to complicate her life). Secondly it's complicated as hell between her and I. It's a can of worms. It feels great that I've finally gotten over her. I mean, I wanted this girl for years man, and now that I finally don't I feel liberated. Sexual attraction there may be but I'd honestly just like to keep my distance with her. Truth be told I don't even really want to hang out with her anymore, even as a friend. It's really a very, very long story and it's one of those things that I'd prefer to keep in the past rather than needlessly prolonging. She's just not the person I need walking me through this ED problem and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that with her. It would be awkward as hell. Frankly it already is awkward. She's a friend and that's the way it's going to be. I don't ever see myself being in a relationship with her.

I hope you're listening about the

"bonding" mechanisms that we can learn to use in relationships. This was the piece I was always missing in my love life at your age too.

You and your partners are not completely at the mercy of the Coolidge Effect. You can consciously choose the behaviors that keep bonds stronger and more enjoyable. (An added bonus is that you start to look adorable to each other too.)

Maybe read these:

An Uncanny Love Potion

The Lazy Way to Stay in Love

Pair Bonding 101: Beware Novelty-As-Aphrodisiac

Just last week I saw this genetic study about rates of cuckoldry. They were surprisingly low.

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/committed-relationship-youre-wired-for-it...

Porn (and chronic overstimulation) has screwed up our bonding mechanisms and expectations.

 

>Porn (and chronic

>Porn (and chronic overstimulation) has screwed up our bonding mechanisms and expectations.

I'm sure they have... goddamn porn and digital age...

Thanks as always, Marnia. Will check out the links.

I've really been enjoying your posts, CuriousFellow

And glad to respond to what you are writing here.

I had a bit of trouble getting it in when I first started having sex. 

Now that I'm with my wife for a long time and she's post menopausal, it is still sometimes a little difficult but never for more than a short time, seconds really, and because her vagina is a bit dryer these days. It just takes longer to lubricate and I find when I enter her with her on top, it can be a little more difficult. Sometimes I may lose most of my erection temporarily but it comes back these days, always.

I used to have bouts of ED for maybe 3 or 5 days, during which time it was all I could think about. That doesn't happen anymore, ever. It's been years. I decided that the point of sex is to just be there with her and let my penis do whatever it wants. Karezza has become a focus of my life and there is no "wrong" or real difficulty with it. It's quite sweet.

I can't imagine going through 7 years of not having sex with my wife. I can't go more than 2 or 3 days without really wanting her. I don't sleep with her, haven't for years for specific health reasons. But we go to bed together every night until she is ready to fall asleep, and I always try to cuddle or have sex in the morning when she wakes up. 

I emphasize that all my sexual concerns and worries (and there were many) have gone away. If I had to start over with another woman, I may or may not have a few issues sexually but I am sure it wouldn't matter to me the way it used to. 

Even masturbation is not really possible for me anymore. I have zero interest. I can get an erection with self stimulation but I have zero interest in continuing that process. 

But every day, when I wake up, I think of my wife. I close my eyes and imagine her, being naked with me. But it is not sexual really, it's hard to describe. I had that feeling early on with some girls that I dated a long time ago. Now I have it every day. It is so fine to sit and imagine her with me. It is amazing but I wouldn't call it a fantasy although I suppose it is. It's a karezza fantasy but doesn't involve penis in vagina, just thinking of her and her smell and feel and presence.

I'm so lucky I can't believe it.