Really worried...

Submitted by bonerrific on
Printer-friendly version

I've recently discovered a new community for those suffering with porn induced erectile dysfunction (PIED). It's a forum and I've registered there. Many of you have probably heard of it already.

www.yourbrainrebalanced.com

I've noticed how insanely active it is so that gives me some hope... I guess. Knowing that more and more people are dealing with this problem makes me feel a bit better.

HOWEVER

Something I noticed over there has made me very uneasy. I saw that there are MANY people my age there (mid-20s) who have abstained from PMO for far over the 3 month recommendation (and even 6 and 9 months and beyond) who still haven't recovered from PIED and seem to be stuck in flatline limbo. These guys are older and they seem to be virgins who only realised they had ED when they tried to have sex with real women (i.e. they're just like me).

Now on the other hand, literally every single successful rebooting account I've ever read, the guy who recovers has previously actually HAD sex already, and LATER developed PIED.

It seems therefore that there are many out there that are unable to rewire and just get stuck in a state of perpetual flatline. The common ground for these guys seems to be that they are virgins and have been going at it for a bit longer than the younger 18 year olds. They seem to all be in their mid-20s.

I have this deep innate feeling in me that I will just never be able to rewire. I know... I've only made it to day 7 as ridiculous as it is, but that constant nagging feeling is there and I'm so sure that it's the truth. I feel like my brain has run these habitual neurochemical pathways into trenches too deep that there is simply no way I will be able to recover by changing them. I feel sure that even if I do manage to do no PMO successfully for a year, I will be stuck in that state of flatline and nothing will ever change.

Here's an example of a thread: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=8852.0
Quote: "Who came up with the 2-3 months of abstinence cures PIED mumbo jumbo. Guys on here are going 200 days to even a full year and aren't seeing much progress. Were those rebooting accounts fake? Are our brains damaged forever just because we watched women having sex on a screen? This is messed up :("

When I've been naked with women irl, I've felt NOTHING. I was not horny at all. It just felt completely alien to me, I was not turned on in any way. Meanwhile I can sometimes just sit down with my laptop before me and immediately feel horny even if I haven't loaded up any porn. And when I do actually look at porn and climax to it, it feels so goddamn amazing (when I haven't done it for a few days). I just feel completely comfortable with porn. It feels completely natural to me and has completely overridden what I should naturally feel with women! The worst part is I see girls and I think some of them look so gorgeous, and I'm even a romantic kinda guy at heart, but I just can't do anything about it. The attraction is there, but not the sexual providence needed.

Can you show me some successful rebooting accounts where the guy was actually a virgin before, and in his mid-20s, and he STILL actually recovered from PIED and THEN had sex for the first time? Because as far as I can tell these accounts simply don't exist. Perhaps for some of us recovery is simply impossible. I'm still trying... I'm on day 2, have hopes for this time. We'll see.

Thanks for reading.

Comments

this is why I think forums are problematic

If I were you I would be off the forums and off the computer. And ditch the smart phone. I know that's difficult but it may be essential to your recovery.

The forums are loaded with guys having issues. But once a guy sort of recovers he leaves. Why would he want to stay on there for very long?

And recovery is fluid. Many guys relapse after a long period of time, sometimes bingeing. It is very difficult to say "you are recovered 100%" because only time will tell.

There are tons of guys who recovered, guys who were virgins. But you have to follow your own path. Clearly something you are doing is not working. I think it has to do with access to the computer and perhaps smart phone. I think this is highly addictive behavior that leads to porn use maybe for you. For a lot of guys.

Be realistic about your situation. See clearly what it is that causes you to use porn. Adopt "if I am in this situation, then I will do ___ instead of porn." And then stick to it.

I'm not surprised you feel nothing with a real woman. It is totally normal given your brain's wiring to porn. Getting rewired is not easy. But the secret is to see your situation in terms of triggers and times you use porn, and things that cause you to slide that way, and adopt replacement behaviors instead.

Good luck.

 

You're right

I should indeed be spending far less time on the internet. Lord knows I need to spend less time online and on the laptop in general, christ.

Have you checked through

the Rebooting Accounts?

It's definitely true that, in general, the guys who need the longest are the ones who started on highspeed. But most of them recover just fine. And some guys who had sex before they got totally hooked on highspeed take a long time, too.

We've been dreading the possibility that a few guys will never recover. After all, most conditions cross populations in a bell curve, which means there will be outliers on both ends. However, don't assume you'll be one of them until you have given your brain several months to reboot.

Also do everything you can to engage in contact with real potential mates. It doesn't have to be sexual contact to get the job done. Eye contact, smiles, touch, dancing. All will help remind your brain of its inherent trajectory.

Finally, I also try to collect stories of guys who needed a long time here. Some of them were virgins I think: RebootTaking TOO.LONG. After a few months of rebooting, you may find some of the techniques guys suggest there to be helpful.

 If you're thinking you should just give up before you start, it's likely your "addict brain" is pushing you around. Discouragement is probably the number one lie the brain trots out to get addicts to use again. Don't fall for it. What option do you have?

 

Thanks for you reply...

Do you think it would actually be likely for somebody like me to be completely cured after just three months of no PMO? I know I have to try and so far my performance has been atrocious. I'm really putting in a lot of effort this time though.

If there's anything positive about my situation it's that I didn't start on the hardcore broadband pornography we have today. The first time I ever came was to internet pornographic image though back in the 56k days. Throughout my adolescence I wasn't jerking it to the kind of porn we have today but rather to more traditional stuff like X rated '90s movies including Basic Instinct, Showgirls, Striptease, Species, etc, as well as my sister's fashion magazines like Vogue that had those lingerie models.

If I wanted to, actually, I could still jerk to that stuff, so maybe I'm not that desensitised. Also I don't have any 'extreme' pornographic taste. I have pretty standard fetishes like lesbians, or lingerie/stalkings or solo vids. As long as I find the actresses attractive I'm good to go. Furthermore, it wasn't until I was 19/20 that I started fapping regularly to actual movies as porntubes only started existing then (but I already had PIED by the age of 18 so eh...).

It's also easy for me to get a semi just by seeing some really attractive actress showing some skin even just wearing a dress in a picture. I think the disconnect for me isn't in the extremity of the content and needing insane pornography for arousal. My brain just has a different arousal switch. It doesn't get aroused by real women... it just needs a screen and a digital image to do the job... although magazines work, too.

I really don't know. This is so terrible.

No gf for me.

I don't even pursue women anymore. I feel it to be useless. I don't ever want to tell a woman that I can't get it up.

I've failed with three women so far and that's enough for now. I really can't deal with that embarrassment again.

No, all one night stands

The girls I flat out failed with were all one night stands.

I could have had sex with one of my friends though that I really cared about and would have had a relationship with if I had any sexual confidence. She slept in my bed frequently but I never made anything out of it. I detailed it in the below link.

http://reuniting.info/blogs/bonerrific/painful-dream

She's the first girl I detailed in that entry. As is written there, one morning I gave her a very sensual massage and she was in my arms with her back against my chest, it was extremely intimate, just her and I. She was even wearing my clothes. If I ever had a chance that was it but since I felt nothing in my pants I knew I couldn't make anything of it so that was that.

Life goes on but it sure does suck for it.

Maybe I would...

but er, I'm in another country now. I kind of cut contact with her a long time ago, too, even before leaving. The platonic thing wasn't doing me any good and I really had to get her out of my mind. It's not her fault of course but it's just something I had to do. If I moved back then I probably would get back in touch but I'm not going back any time soon.

I understand

I think it's good to keep in mind that humans didn't evolve for porn-scenario, sudden sex. Yeah, we can often do it, but our brains are also looking for something sustainable (simply because it serves our offspring to have two parents committed for long enough to fall in love with any kids).

See Guys: Where Do You Fall on the Monogamy Spectrum?

This is why you shouldn't assume you're "broken" just because hook-ups aren't doing it for Mr. Happy yet.

How about a cuddle buddy?

Sorry to hear about your ED problem and I hope you get over it.

But meanwhile, there are other ways to enjoy being with a woman, not just having sex. How about a cuddle buddly arrangement where you just snuggle up, but sexual behavior is explicitly not on the agenda?

Googling for cuddle buddies comes up with these links, among others:
www.cuddlecomfort.com
cuddlebuddies.org
www.reuniting.info/node/10629

I'm glad I came across your

I'm glad I came across your post.

I wanted to share what I had to go through.

I was 26, virgin, and only attempted to have sex once (at 25) but had ED. I knew I had all the symptoms talked about and I was an addict of PMO. Jerking off to Porn was my world and it was consuming so much of my time and energy that my brain had been indeed warped to feel nothing for REAL women, only women on the screen.

I started with a 120 day Reboot, then over the next 4-5 months relapsed a few times, and eventually went on another streak of about 30 days. It was at this point I met my current girlfriend and started dating (we have been together for a year now)

At this point I knew I had mad a major improvement in my PIED because I was getting very firm erections just standing near her, touching and kissing her.

The first time we had sex, I basically went limp inside her, which was embarassing for both of us. I knew I still had a lot of work todo, but realized that it was time to REWIRE. The next few times were a little better and after that I was able to have regular sex. Obviously there was still lots of work to do, over time I was able to beat issues such as going limp after penetration/after putting on a condom, as well as reaching orgasm from sex (not from handjob/blowjob)

As of today I feel like I have a fantastic sex life with my girlfriend, and I think having her to help me rewire to sex and not internet porn was the most vital step. What guys need to realize is that yes, you may have rebooted for 200 days, but expecting ZERO PROBLEMS the first time after those 200 days, is clearly skipping over the important part, which is rewiring. If it takes 200 days to reboot, why would it take just 0 days to rewire. Marnia's advice above is important. Female interaction is crucial, and especially intimate interaction. A cuddle buddy sounds like a great idea.

In a perfect world, I would have liked to have done a longer reboot before we started to have sex, but it worked out in the end.

The toughest thing is that your addiction never goes away. The urges may get quieter but this is something you have to work at. It's not one of those OK I don't have ED anymore, I can stop caring about this. Your addiction will come rearing its ugly head at any time and you have to deal with it. I haven't been perfect but I always try to keep pushing through.

Thanks for reading, feel free to contact me directly, I want to offer any help I can

Untapped wrote:

[quote=Untapped]
As of today I feel like I have a fantastic sex life with my girlfriend, and I think having her to help me rewire to sex and not internet porn was the most vital step[/quote]
Wow, I'm so happy for you dude. And you've given me A LOT of hope, you can't imagine.

Thanks a lot for your message.

Can I ask you, how did your rebooting period go? Can you tell me how the first few weeks were? Were you really horny at first and then did you flatline? If so, how long did the flatline last? How was your morning wood? What about sexual dreams?

Thanks again!

bonerrific wrote:

[quote=bonerrific][quote=Untapped]
As of today I feel like I have a fantastic sex life with my girlfriend, and I think having her to help me rewire to sex and not internet porn was the most vital step[/quote]
Wow, I'm so happy for you dude. And you've given me A LOT of hope, you can't imagine.

Thanks a lot for your message.

Can I ask you, how did your rebooting period go? Can you tell me how the first few weeks were? Were you really horny at first and then did you flatline? If so, how long did the flatline last? How was your morning wood? What about sexual dreams?

Thanks again![/quote]

I think I speak for everyone on the site and thats out there fighting this same battle, that we are cheering for your success.

It's funny that when I decided to start my reboot, it was easier than it is NOW. I probably have more urges now to PMO than I did when I started to reboot. I just bit my lip and said, no PMO for as long as I can.

The first few weeks were easy. I just did other things to keep myself busy. I would go to the gym to work out and play sports. I would hang out with friends and visit my parents instead of staying at home alone. I started collecting vinyl records, so I'd spend time at record stores, flea markets, or thrift shops. One funny thing about playing records on a turntable is there's a lot of distraction when using it. You have to get out of your chair, flip the lid up, stop the player, lift the arm, put the arm back on the rest, flip the record, clean the new side, take the arm out, put it back on the record and start the player again, close the lid. It sounds silly but every little distraction takes your brain away from wanting to give into your urges.

I started doing arts and crafts projects just to keep myself distracted. I learned to matte and frame posters and artwork. The key is to find productive things to do. I've never been a fan of reading, since I easily get distracted, but given the right topics, I can read for hours on end.

After that I started to flatline. It was scary, as I felt even more lifeless down there. I would touch my balls as a way to just feel sensation in that region, but it didn't really do much so I stopped.

After about 10-15 days I came out of the flatline, and it was more of the same for the next while. Then it hit me.

I would wake up in the morning with the stiffest erections I could recall. It felt super firm, like I could cut a piece of cake with it. I definitely had sexual dreams afterwards too, often with random girls from my past, as my brain was looking for ways to "trigger" my sexual interest. I also had dreams where I would sneak out of bed and masturbate to porn, and get caught by my parents.

I then started to realise that the urge to jerk off to porn is DIFFERENT from feeling horny. I think for guys that never had sex, they always associated the two, but over time, the "feeling to jerk off to porn" became so strong, it was the only thing we felt. Once you discover what feeling horny is, it is a sign that you are reverting to your natural ways, and that the reboot is progressing.

There's a lot of other stuff to mention, so let me know if you want to talk about anything else.

Cheers

Okay, so when you still had porn induced ED and were masturbating regularly (before your reboot) what was your morning wood like? Did you even have any?

And when you decided to reboot, how long until you got that diamond cutter morning wood? How many months? You just woke up one morning and it was there like never before?

Did you do anything like kegels at all?

I wake up with crappy morning wood, sometimes none at all.

Thanks for the detailed reply buddy I really appreciate it. Sorry for all these questions but you know, I gotta know...

bonerrific wrote:

[quote=bonerrific]Okay, so when you still had porn induced ED and were masturbating regularly (before your reboot) what was your morning wood like? Did you even have any?

And when you decided to reboot, how long until you got that diamond cutter morning wood? How many months? You just woke up one morning and it was there like never before?

Did you do anything like kegels at all?

I wake up with crappy morning wood, sometimes none at all.

Thanks for the detailed reply buddy I really appreciate it. Sorry for all these questions but you know, I gotta know...[/quote]

Before I started rebooting, I'd get morning would maybe once or twice in a month. It wasn't too often.

As far as during the reboot, the morning wood came back maybe in the 5th week or so. It was pretty intense.

Never really did kegels and the such, but if I had to say, they'd (the muscle control) developed somewhat from jerking off to porn.

I think you'll see the morning wood come back more once you get past the flatline stage. That's going to take some time, so stick with it.

it's a really bad idea

to put yourself into a "must perform" situation.

You have to take a long term view of this. And do things that will get you there in steps rather than just go for do or die situations, or just say "screw it" and give up altogether. You may have to find yourself a woman who is patient and willing to just cuddle for a bit. They are out there.