Bort's blog

<3 K9

Submitted by Bort on

Today is day 8/2 for no P/MO. Not much to report, just wanted to update the journal. K9 is working great, it's truly an invaluable tool. I have both cursed it, and thanked it a few times already. Its greatest power is removing novelty from the equation. That decreases the potency of cravings so much. There are ways to get around it to 2-d images of hot girls, no question. But there is no way to get to my favorite sites and view all their updates - and it's starting to look like that was the major draw for me.

4 Days Clean - Doing Good

Submitted by Bort on

I haven't posted in a few days, because no amount of posting would have helped me. I just needed to sack up and get back on the horse, and here I am. I feel fine. Compared to the first few days last time around, I am less excited about quitting, and also less symptomatic. Last time I felt high on quitting. This time I'm feeling cold and down to business about it. I mentioned before, I bought a calendar. As I think of things I need to do, or would like to do, I write them up on the calendar. When I get to feeling restless, I go do that stuff. It's working well so far.

Way off track

Submitted by Bort on

After my 11 day reboot attempt, I think I've now O'd 5 times, with three of those to P in the last week. It's a slippery slope leading to a cliff. It's hard to think much of my prefrontal cortex right now. It's been collaborating with the limbic system since the first relapse, and I realize I can't trust it now. This has to come from consciousness itself, from the soul. This is turning into a journal of my addiction rather than my recovery. It's not too late to salvage some progress from my recent attempt so I need to pull out of this fast.

Back off track

Submitted by Bort on

I avoided the P this time. But I only made it 3 days on the no MO. Moed to fantasy about a girl that I had just spoke with in a store (who worked there), who I could tell was attracted to me. It was every bit, if not more fulfilling excitement-wise, to fantasize about a real girl than to use P. It helped that she was super cute, and that we looked right in each others eyes for like a minute of our business transaction.

Back on track

Submitted by Bort on

Today was day two of my second back-to-back quit attempt. First attempt I made it 11 days. I'm proud that I did not binge, and a lot of the progress has been retained, I can tell already. So I can't do it all at once. I will do it bit by bit.

Relapse yesterday

Submitted by Bort on

PMO'd after 10-11 days. To make a long story short, I had a craving which was too intense to beat. And it was tearing me up inside to the point that I stopped resisting. I could have kept resisting, I didn't NEED to do it, but I chose to because of the psychological distress. I just relaxed, and gave in. Quitting porn is important, but it's not worth going temporarily insane. I'll still get there one step at a time. I feel fine about it, no guilt, I think having the orgasm was actually healthy and it was good in a certain way despite the hangover effects.

Normal day

Submitted by Bort on

Finally. A day without the intense mood swings and cravings. I think it's day ten, and it was a smooth ride compared to the last few days. I missed the big upswings, but I am so relieved not to suffer a downswing today.

Cravings were significantly lower today, but they are replaced by doubts. As the cravings decrease, and the desire for porn goes down, I've found myself wondering a few times today, what have I signed up for? Where is my sexual desire? I had "longer morning wood" today as somebody else put it recently, so my libido is not completely dead.