Today is day 8/2 for no P/MO. Not much to report, just wanted to update the journal. K9 is working great, it's truly an invaluable tool. I have both cursed it, and thanked it a few times already. Its greatest power is removing novelty from the equation. That decreases the potency of cravings so much. There are ways to get around it to 2-d images of hot girls, no question. But there is no way to get to my favorite sites and view all their updates - and it's starting to look like that was the major draw for me.
It's day 6 now with no porn, and I just orgasmed to the sensations only. I feel fine about it. I'm glad it worked... my brain is at least not so desensitized that I go ED without P or F. Not much else to say about it. I know it's not the suggested reboot, but 6 days no P and counting. Baby steps.
I haven't posted in a few days, because no amount of posting would have helped me. I just needed to sack up and get back on the horse, and here I am. I feel fine. Compared to the first few days last time around, I am less excited about quitting, and also less symptomatic. Last time I felt high on quitting. This time I'm feeling cold and down to business about it. I mentioned before, I bought a calendar. As I think of things I need to do, or would like to do, I write them up on the calendar. When I get to feeling restless, I go do that stuff. It's working well so far.
Since my last post, I had one more slip, so I've installed K9. I didn't set it up on its maximum settings, but it will help a bit. My favorite go-to sites are all blocked. Day 2 today.
After my 11 day reboot attempt, I think I've now O'd 5 times, with three of those to P in the last week. It's a slippery slope leading to a cliff. It's hard to think much of my prefrontal cortex right now. It's been collaborating with the limbic system since the first relapse, and I realize I can't trust it now. This has to come from consciousness itself, from the soul. This is turning into a journal of my addiction rather than my recovery. It's not too late to salvage some progress from my recent attempt so I need to pull out of this fast.
I avoided the P this time. But I only made it 3 days on the no MO. Moed to fantasy about a girl that I had just spoke with in a store (who worked there), who I could tell was attracted to me. It was every bit, if not more fulfilling excitement-wise, to fantasize about a real girl than to use P. It helped that she was super cute, and that we looked right in each others eyes for like a minute of our business transaction.
Today was day two of my second back-to-back quit attempt. First attempt I made it 11 days. I'm proud that I did not binge, and a lot of the progress has been retained, I can tell already. So I can't do it all at once. I will do it bit by bit.
PMO'd after 10-11 days. To make a long story short, I had a craving which was too intense to beat. And it was tearing me up inside to the point that I stopped resisting. I could have kept resisting, I didn't NEED to do it, but I chose to because of the psychological distress. I just relaxed, and gave in. Quitting porn is important, but it's not worth going temporarily insane. I'll still get there one step at a time. I feel fine about it, no guilt, I think having the orgasm was actually healthy and it was good in a certain way despite the hangover effects.
Finally. A day without the intense mood swings and cravings. I think it's day ten, and it was a smooth ride compared to the last few days. I missed the big upswings, but I am so relieved not to suffer a downswing today.
Cravings were significantly lower today, but they are replaced by doubts. As the cravings decrease, and the desire for porn goes down, I've found myself wondering a few times today, what have I signed up for? Where is my sexual desire? I had "longer morning wood" today as somebody else put it recently, so my libido is not completely dead.
I'm a little amazed to be posting that I made it through another day today. It was a lot like yesterday, with relapse staring me in the face at every turn. There was no silver lining at any point today. The highlight of my day was my workout, and posting on this forum.