Bort's blog

Seeds of attraction

Submitted by Bort on

I'm so proud of myself to be porn free at the end of this day. I consider it a great accomplishment. The first steps, perhaps, in one of the greatest things I will do in life. I know just about everybody here has gone through a craving like I did today, and I truly think we are all great men for doing it. Maybe not so great of men to have found ourselves in the situation to begin with. But it's a rare few on this Earth who can hold it for more than a few days. Yogis call it brahmacharya, meaning walking in the path of God.

Holding on by a thread

Submitted by Bort on

Cravings are really striking deep at me. From the mood chart graph on YBOP, it looks like I have to get through about another week of this. My penance. Ha. I was raised Catholic but have since moved on from that. I remember when I was just becoming sexual, I masturbated to fantasies of the girls I liked. I thought to myself, this is wrong, I am sinning, I will go to hell for this, I will pay for this. And in a way, I was right. Here I am in my self made hell, paying for my choices with mental anguish. All the techniques in the world won't fix this.

One week :)

Submitted by Bort on

Today marks one week. I cleaned out the second computer about an hour ago. Even though I didn't even catch sight of any porn while cleaning it off and was never aroused during the cleaning, it has left me with a bad feeling in my loins, not sure what's going on there. Kind of a blue ball feeling. I am feeling better today in many ways. My morning wood came back. Also the fatigue has lifted a bit and I have some motivation today.

Edit: half hour later... blue balls feeling is leading to some stronger cravings. Going to get out of the house.

Flatlined

Submitted by Bort on

I didn't post yesterday because not much has happened. Since my last update, when I was feeling in the pits, I slept for about 12-14 hours the following night. Then I woke up feeling nothing. No sex drive, no porn cravings, low motivation for anything. The so called "flatline" has been going on for the last 36 hours or so. It's actually kind of a dangerous period, not because of cravings, but because of the real risk of relapse due to boredom. I've been there before, not falling for it this time. So there is not much to report.

Today

Submitted by Bort on

I just felt bad. Physically bad, aching and tired. And empty. Nothing could really pull me off the bottom. I went to a family gathering after work. By far, the highlight of my day was listening to Bob Seger's Night Moves on the radio on the way the there. It reminds me of being 15. I had two different girlfriends that year. God what a waste I've made of this life, it brings tears to my eyes. Anyway, the only 5 good minutes of my day were that song. I was hopeful that the social situation would feel good, and that I'd notice some difference.

Better is good

Submitted by Bort on

Most of the flu-like symptoms went away today, which makes me think it possibly was related to the porn. I did have about a 4-hour period today of fatigue and a back-ache which still hasn't gone away. A nap after work did the fix.

Strange things

Submitted by Bort on

Hey,

It is the middle of the night after day 2. I was feeling very tired in the evening, like couldn't stay awake kind of tired. So I went to bed early. I woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, with diarrhea following soon after. Maybe it is unrelated to the quitting PMO, but it sure sounds like those flu-like symptoms that some people experience. It doesn't make sense since I have taken 2 days off many many times before. Could it really be that just the powerful intention of quitting forever sets off the bodily withdrawal reaction?

First entry

Submitted by Bort on

Yesterday was the first day. I had 4 cravings. Normally I probably would have had the same 4 cravings but I wouldn't have noticed them. Since consciously beginning to abstain the night before, I became very aware of when the PMO thought-habit comes up. One was at work (on the computer) when I saw an advert with a pretty girl's face (image trigger). Another was in the shower while washing myself (touching genitals trigger). Third was walking to the kitchen, saw an advert of a gorgeous girl on the cover a box from a Christmas presents.

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