I haven't been on this site much and I haven't blogged at all for a couple of years now. Marnia's book was one of the first things that opened my mind to the way that my brain works.
On the one hand, reading a book like Marnia's helped me to understand myself better, but it also stimulated my interest so much that I became addicted to buying books on other esoteric and psychological topics that were kind of related to this. The result was that I soon became engulfed with information, obsessively and compulsively reading and all of this overloaded my brain to a point where I confused myself and got lost again. I wish I had been unable to just keep things simple. I suppose this will now become my goal. Reading about a topic is not the same as practising. I really need some assistance in practising karezza, being mindful and calming down.
I'm glad that back then I chose to blog my experiences on here, because I didn't keep a journal and coming back to reread some of my comments has reminded me of just how powerful Marnia's original book was and reminded me of a way out of the pitiful state that I've returned to in recent months. Quite simply, I have relapsed having had a period of about 18 months of regression and become again the person I was back in 2010 and before.
I have been feeling that I am losing my mind, feeling that I might be bipolar or have a borderline personality disorder. I've returned to using the pornography and prostitutes that were the bane of my life back then and karezza once again a real difficulty for me at the moment.
This time I think stress at work triggered the relapse, exacerbated by some differences of opinion over religion and philosophy between myself and my wife (she is a devout Christian whereas I am a former Christian, now an atheist). Anyhow, about the same time that I stopped blogging on here I got a new manager at work, had to stop working part-time and go full-time as a result, but still had to do the things I was doing on the day off in my own time (putting extra pressure on me) and this managers "interest" in me became quite overbearing and stressful which I think triggered my relapse because at the same time my relationship with my wife weakened and the compassion lessened in our relationship.
Anyhow, after a embarrassing interview with my boss where he suggested that I might need occupational therapy I decided that I would go and see my own doctor and try to get some help with this recurrent problem. Getting to see a psychiatrist on the national health is virtually impossible, and in spite of a referral all I've had so far is a brief interview with a psychiatric nurse which means I've been without help for about a month now, signed off work by the doctor but still undiagnosed and untreated. In this state of limbo I have been filling my time by going to the gym, and because the weather has been good, getting out in the fresh air. I've been resisting seeing prostitutes but I found it hard to resist a tendency to hunt for pornography and masturbate, often for several hours during the day. The most I've managed to abstain is four days.
I've decided to reread Marnia's book and try to be more compassionate with myself and my wife. Hopefully I will get some sort of therapy or counselling to help me through this period. I came off antidepressants November 2012. I've had a history of mood swings going back to 2002 that have also included making expensive purchases and wasting money. I'm wondering if when I was diagnosed as having depression I was actually misdiagnosed. Maybe I am bipolar and what I am experiencing as sex addiction is the hypersexuality that is associated with this. However, addiction to sex might well be the problem rather than a symptom of something else. I'm not qualified to diagnose myself I really need to talk to somebody who knows what they're talking about and am finding it really difficult to find somebody like that. If you have any suggestions please on reading this let me know, thanks.