Day 1...

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Submitted by bruistopher on
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My first relapse was 1:25AM Friday, February 10, 2012.  Since starting this program (11/23/11) I've seen massive improvements even though social anxiety has hinder some part of my progress.

It seems I run to porn to relieve the sexual encounters I experience or have experienced during that reboot. The flirtatious comments I would get during my first reboot was surprising. Ever since my relapse 2/10/12 whatever confidence I had or whatever subconscious moves that were being made for potential mates had taken a hit. Girls I would get flirtatious comments from looked different to me. I lost interest. Didn't want to be around them. I felt they were superior and I was inferior.

So much was going through my mind. It hurts. I'm hurting. It seems the rational brain shuts off completely and the animal part takes full control and I encounter a sexual thought. Like I said above. I always felt the urge to masturbate rather than start a bonding relationship with the potential females. 

I'm back to square one. Hurt? Yes. Keeping my head up? Yes. Will I give in to this addiction? No.

Since 2/10/12, I have masturbated and orgasmed to porn until this evening at 6:20PM. I masturbated last night and went through today feeling horrible first thing in the morning. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone at work.

I started feeling much better once I received hugs from various female co workers. It's like my body warmed up quickly to these encounters. I began to smile all day. Even though my allergies are killing me. I still felt better.

I came home took a nap. Woke up to nothing but edging. Thinking about various, previous naked photos I use to search on the Internet. I gave in and watched a porn video.

Now I'm typing this. Hurt but movitated as I don't know what right now.

This animal brain is strong. I have to admit. When it senses even the slightest bit of boredom or hurting or anything sexually arousing it will try its best to get a relief someway. What better way then to resurface those porn circuits in the animal brain again?!

Orgasm hurts me. Porn hurts me. Not having social encounters with mates I find attractive hurts me.

I always get that warm feeling when I find an attractive female. I get so excited but can never capitalize on that feeling and talk to them. Rather then getting to know them. I use that sexual energy to masturbate! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

I'm 24 years old and I need to snap out of this.

Still a virgin. No relationship experience. Sad because I receive soooooooooooooooo many compliments on how handsome I look and my personality is very attractive.

I just refuse to accept the compliments and use them and revert to porn.

It's an addiction. That was one of things in life I refused to accept. My father was alcoholic. Not sure if he gave it up but I didn't want to be like him. I certainly didn't want to be like my Mom boyfriend who is a drug addict.

I blame social anxiety because if it wasn't for me to develop this anti social view I would be better off.

I tried religion. I failed. I'm trying this site because it has such a rational view about the brain. It's an logical way to understand what's going on in this brain of mine.

My goal which started  seconds after my orgasm/masturbation/porn today, was to abstain from all social networking, media, Internet (unless educational), pictures that are targeted to cause sexual arousal, porn, edging, bingeing, masturbating, and orgasm.

I will starting tomorrow, throwing myself to random people. Getting the urge to explore what I'm missing. Fight this fear of being socially scared of others.

I will continue reading the book Cupid Poison Arrow. I will continue my research on my new career this fall, nursing.

I need to fight this. It's depressing each and every day I bite to PMO.

My rational brain seems to operate perfectly after the animal part is satisfied. It sits back and says "Go get it man!! I'm hungry!! Try it! Just one image! I will be satisfied after one image! It won't hurt! Please! I need this! I won't bother you after I get this little orgasm! Please do it!!!"

At this stage the rational brain seems to fog up. The animal in me pumps more blood. My heart beats faster. The clicking begins. The animal in me is getting excited. Its roaring. It wants this. I'm just on the rode dragging along. Doing what my genes want me to do.

It hurts. I will be in control from this time forward.

I will keep blogging until I can get past these weeks. I think blogging about my days is healthy for me. This site is like a "Pit Stop". I come here for a break to refresh and then I hit the track again.

I will always see something sexual. My job has nothing but woman. I glance at their buttocks, breasts, legs and the face. I will always feel that urge to want to talk to those woman. Those genes see a potential candidate for children. But I will fight that thought to "relieve" myself when I get home.

My brain is messed up right now. I thought I had it on my first reboot but obviously I missed PMO. I know once I find a bonding female partner. My relief to want to go to PMO will be lost. I have to stay focused and determine. I can overcome this addiction.

I refuse to be called an "addict"...

Comments

I just got done watching an

I just got done watching an overview about the book "The Brain that changes Itself" on YouTube. And to my surprise. It really goes to show how I taught myself to orgasm to porn. Or why I am addicted. And such. Our brains are plastic. Meaning that they can always be changed and altered in a way based off culture or any past or new experiences. And it will constantly rewire itself to adapt to the new conditions that are being made at the time.

Just did a 30 minute workout

Just did a 30 minute workout session. Basic calisthenics. Feel good. Just motivated now. Keeping my head straight. I'm dying to figure out how my brain is going to act tomorrow. Usually after every PMO session. I encounter mood swings, social anxiety and eye contact lackluster. But for some reason if and when I connect with people I know and love. I become more outgoing. Only when I'm attempting to meet new people those symptoms appear after a PMO session.

Tonight as I go to sleep I'm going to do some research on the nursing career. Relax my mind and think positive and fall straight to sleep. I am slightly tired.

Day 1 tomorrow.

Leggo!!!

This morning, (Thursday, 2/23

This morning, (Thursday, 2/23/12 9:11AM) I feel alright. Just had a ride to school with my Mom, sister and one of my cousins. Usually I'm the quiet one when it comes to starting up conversations or talking even with family members. This morning however I spoke up. I still felt a little anxiety but I still fought the chemistry that was still lingering after yesterday's evening PMO session.

I'm in the library right now. In a corner reading a book titled "The Magic of Thinking BIG". Good book so far. I have class in 30 minutes. Then I have a staff meeting at my job at 3PM.

It's helping me face the many social anxiety challenges I have been facing throughout my life. I'm hoping I can be relieved with this problem.

I am my worst enemy. That's right I am. And I need to think different and think positive and overcome these fears. Actions defeat fears.

My fear of being stuck in this PMO addiction behavior is something I will overcome. I will retrain my brain. Social anxiety and orgasmic will be fought and defeated!

Thanks Marnia...

Thanks Marnia...

I have always refused to use blocks on my Internet Browsers. I know I have the will power to fight this urge. The neo cortex is powerful but not as powerful as the animal part. I do know when the urge/edge comes I can quickly use the orgasm consquence as a weapon to power up the neo cortex and reduce the animalistic cravings that want the porn access.

My first relapse was more of a curiosity stage. I was trying to see if I pass and was healthy. Even after 78 days I still went in and accepted the challenge and lost.

Tempting an addiction is wrong and hard at the same time. That's why I did a good job today. I stayed away from all the 2D stimulation and focused on real world 3D females. Even though I didn't approach or talk to any girls because of the anxiety that has been placed on my brain because of yesterday's PMO. I still found enjoyment seeing and being around girls.

Day 1 is almost finished. Around this time yesterday I gave in. Right now as I finish typing this. I am going to start my exercise session. Something I have been doing since the start of 2012. 30 minutes of exercising, taking my mind off life. Then I will read some books and go off to bed.

I want to put this day in the books. So tomorrow I can wake up to Day 2...

The symptoms today have been:

-anxiety
-not to much eye contact
-short coversations

although I still smiled, laughed pretty hard. But still wasn't outgoing.

Come on Day 2!!

DAY 2

Last night I couldn't log on here for some reason. The connection to this site timed out. But I feel good this morning. Last night I did my 30 minute work out session and then played some Call of Duty MW3 on the Xbox 360 and then fell right asleep. Slept good. Woke up to morning wood though.

But brain chemistry wise I feel awesome. Again I slept good last night. I had a weird dream that I hope that doesn't come true but nonetheless I feel excellent. I can't wait to see how I go through this day and finally come home with results.

Day 2 on with it!

2/24/2012 5:39AM U.S. Eastern Time

Today was surprisingly better

Today was surprisingly better. I threw myself out there today to test my fears. I know that its challenging when you have social anxiety and a messed up brain chemistry. But I did it. I feel so good today. I was so outgoing. Talked to a few people I otherwise would of ignored. I flirted with a few girls I already knew. It was amazing. Just smiling makes you open to people wanting to talk to you. It's amazing how humans rely so much on being social. It's like the best medicine that is free to anyone. PMO made me isolate myself from social life. Social anxiety played a part, but that can always be conquered with positive thinking and facing those fears (rejection, caring about what others think, being nervous around attractive girls). I faced them today. I feel like I'm conquering my social anxiety. I have less focus on PMO right now. It's the last thing on my mind. There are so many priorties in my life that need to be viewed and deserve attention that even the slightest thought of relapse isn't even possible.

I can easily relapse when I'm bored or have nothing to do. That's when my brain begins to think about all the girls I saw today and flirted with and then begins to develop previous lost images of my viewing during those PMO days. I then edge and sooner or later I view porn, masturbate and have an orgasm.

It's easy when my mind is busy. It's so hard for the brain to concentrate on trying to get a dopamine explosion when the rational part is constantly thinking and thinking.

Awesome day. Awesome day. Looking forward to day 3 (tomorrow). PMO days made me have a negative body language and no one wanted to be around me. Even the girls. It scared them away from wanting any type of connection. Now that I'm smiling talking being outgoing. Not caring what others think. Just letting the positives influence my life and learn from the draw backs. Rejection is always going to happen. I learned to think "Their lost and I'm moving on". Life is way to short to be obssess with PMO with no partner. Having a partner and being social is the best medicine. And I don't want to ever trade that in for anything.

Pushing forward...

2/24/12 4:53PM U.S. Eastern Time