My first relapse was 1:25AM Friday, February 10, 2012. Since starting this program (11/23/11) I've seen massive improvements even though social anxiety has hinder some part of my progress.
It seems I run to porn to relieve the sexual encounters I experience or have experienced during that reboot. The flirtatious comments I would get during my first reboot was surprising. Ever since my relapse 2/10/12 whatever confidence I had or whatever subconscious moves that were being made for potential mates had taken a hit. Girls I would get flirtatious comments from looked different to me. I lost interest. Didn't want to be around them. I felt they were superior and I was inferior.
So much was going through my mind. It hurts. I'm hurting. It seems the rational brain shuts off completely and the animal part takes full control and I encounter a sexual thought. Like I said above. I always felt the urge to masturbate rather than start a bonding relationship with the potential females.
I'm back to square one. Hurt? Yes. Keeping my head up? Yes. Will I give in to this addiction? No.
Since 2/10/12, I have masturbated and orgasmed to porn until this evening at 6:20PM. I masturbated last night and went through today feeling horrible first thing in the morning. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone at work.
I started feeling much better once I received hugs from various female co workers. It's like my body warmed up quickly to these encounters. I began to smile all day. Even though my allergies are killing me. I still felt better.
I came home took a nap. Woke up to nothing but edging. Thinking about various, previous naked photos I use to search on the Internet. I gave in and watched a porn video.
Now I'm typing this. Hurt but movitated as I don't know what right now.
This animal brain is strong. I have to admit. When it senses even the slightest bit of boredom or hurting or anything sexually arousing it will try its best to get a relief someway. What better way then to resurface those porn circuits in the animal brain again?!
Orgasm hurts me. Porn hurts me. Not having social encounters with mates I find attractive hurts me.
I always get that warm feeling when I find an attractive female. I get so excited but can never capitalize on that feeling and talk to them. Rather then getting to know them. I use that sexual energy to masturbate! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
I'm 24 years old and I need to snap out of this.
Still a virgin. No relationship experience. Sad because I receive soooooooooooooooo many compliments on how handsome I look and my personality is very attractive.
I just refuse to accept the compliments and use them and revert to porn.
It's an addiction. That was one of things in life I refused to accept. My father was alcoholic. Not sure if he gave it up but I didn't want to be like him. I certainly didn't want to be like my Mom boyfriend who is a drug addict.
I blame social anxiety because if it wasn't for me to develop this anti social view I would be better off.
I tried religion. I failed. I'm trying this site because it has such a rational view about the brain. It's an logical way to understand what's going on in this brain of mine.
My goal which started seconds after my orgasm/masturbation/porn today, was to abstain from all social networking, media, Internet (unless educational), pictures that are targeted to cause sexual arousal, porn, edging, bingeing, masturbating, and orgasm.
I will starting tomorrow, throwing myself to random people. Getting the urge to explore what I'm missing. Fight this fear of being socially scared of others.
I will continue reading the book Cupid Poison Arrow. I will continue my research on my new career this fall, nursing.
I need to fight this. It's depressing each and every day I bite to PMO.
My rational brain seems to operate perfectly after the animal part is satisfied. It sits back and says "Go get it man!! I'm hungry!! Try it! Just one image! I will be satisfied after one image! It won't hurt! Please! I need this! I won't bother you after I get this little orgasm! Please do it!!!"
At this stage the rational brain seems to fog up. The animal in me pumps more blood. My heart beats faster. The clicking begins. The animal in me is getting excited. Its roaring. It wants this. I'm just on the rode dragging along. Doing what my genes want me to do.
It hurts. I will be in control from this time forward.
I will keep blogging until I can get past these weeks. I think blogging about my days is healthy for me. This site is like a "Pit Stop". I come here for a break to refresh and then I hit the track again.
I will always see something sexual. My job has nothing but woman. I glance at their buttocks, breasts, legs and the face. I will always feel that urge to want to talk to those woman. Those genes see a potential candidate for children. But I will fight that thought to "relieve" myself when I get home.
My brain is messed up right now. I thought I had it on my first reboot but obviously I missed PMO. I know once I find a bonding female partner. My relief to want to go to PMO will be lost. I have to stay focused and determine. I can overcome this addiction.
I refuse to be called an "addict"...