Bucle's blog

Back to work

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Submitted by Bucle on

This may be a long entry but I think it may be worth it.

I'm on day 92. This is the longest I've ever gone with absolutely no O since I was a preteen (I discovered masturbation and orgasms very early). On the 18th of February I came back to work.

30 days

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Submitted by Bucle on

Happy New Year to you all!

Well, I guess that 30 days PMO free is a good way to start the year.

I have the occasional cravings but I've gained a lot of confidence in living with them. I just accept them and let them be without thinking that they are an ineludible force (because they are not). But they are mixed with the restlessness that the SSRI's are giving me as a side effect. In two weeks I'm visiting my psychiatrist and I'll ask her if we could go a bit easier on the medication.

She has come back

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Submitted by Bucle on

She has called me on the telephone. She isn't feeling ok right now and we have talked about our own problems. I have told her about my depression and, for the first time, I've told her that I have an addiction (but not what kind of addiction though I think that she can figure it out). We will talk again to each other when we feel like it. Perhaps it's time to leave space now. We understand that we need space to get through this on our own. This is a friendship, no karezza here, and I'm feeling too depersonalized for karezza right now (too cold inside).

15 days

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Submitted by Bucle on

Just a brief update to let you know that I made it to day 15th. The cravings are there. I realize that I have become very sensitized, and that remembering some hardcore stuff I used to watch is beginning to gross me out. I think I used to block me out completely to give in to my addiction and that this block may have something to do with the total block/depersonalization/lack of feelings I'm experiencing now. I'm not quite proud of my two weeks PMO free since now I lack willpower or the sense of achievement due to depression.

Clarity

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Submitted by Bucle on

Yesterday was my 12th day. As I said in previous entries I had fallen into depression, I have lost contact with her and I had a strong and terrifying depersonalization feeling, I didn't know who I was.

Letting go

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Submitted by Bucle on

I think I've fallen into full blown depression. I've been here once so I can recognize it. I've been trying to cling to the thought of her during a lot of time. First in anxiety thinking she had fallen in love with someone else, then I had the great and wonderful moment at the concert, one fo the best moments in my life in a long time. But then I started to fall out. I tried to cling to whatever little piece of feeling there was left in me but I was just falling and falling. Now I think that even seeing her would be hard and I 'd feel pain.

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