Well, an update to my personal story for all the people who have taken an interest in it (thanks to you all for the kind words and the advice, you have given me some very good insights)
My anxiety was just over the top today. I saw some pictures of the person I have strong feelings for in Paris with another man and I was diving deep into negative thoughts. The anxiety was building up like crazy within me. I just wanted to talk with her, I was missing her badly...
...And I have talked to her! I've posted a sad song which I wrote a long time ago (instrumental, no lyrics) on Facebook and she has inmediately seen it. She knows what this song means to me and has written a message of support. I have jumped right in and I have talked to her, I just needed it, I couldn't stand the separation any longer!
Well, we have chatted over Facebook for more than an hour. We have talked about our emotional blocks (she has also undergone some hard stuff and a difficult story). We have talked about things we haven't talked about in all the time we've known each other. We are at different stages in our personal paths but we both know what it feels to be blocked. It has been a bit of a shock to her knowing that my experience was similar to hers. It has probably been the more heartfelt conversation I have ever had with anyone. We both have been supportive of each other and we have said "I love you" to each other, we've been able to do that. Well, now, don't get me wrong, we are friends, very good friends, we understand each other. I know that she is not in love with me (in a passional, sexual way) but I know that she loves me as a very important person in her life. We both know how good an ally the other can be because at a deep level we understand each other. Now, perhaps she falls in love with someone else, perhaps she is not meant to be my partner but I just wanted to open up to her and this is what I've finally done today. We both know that we'll be there to support each other. Can this evolve to a sexual relationship over time? I don't know, perhaps it won't, but the spiritual connection is there and I have been able to ditch my block and open up and I tell you, I'm so very happy I have done that finally!
I know that it will hurt me if she finds someone else but I must accept life as it comes, I know now that I will never lose her as a close friend and ally and, at a spiritual level, this is so very important to me... It means a lot.
And by the way, she wasn't in love with anyone else, she just made a spiritual breakthrough in her life that has brought her a lot of peace. I will try to help her in her way as much as I can and I know that she will do the same with me. Really, now I just don't care that much about sex, the uncertainty is gone, the anxiety is gone, my soul is at rest. I have finally been able to tell her that I love her (no matter if as a partner or as a friend) and this is all I wanted to do and now I know that she loves me as well (as a friend but if this is what her heart tells her I must accept it). The future doesn't look so grim now.
And by the way, it's not only my emotional block what I am ditching right now. I can tell you that I have the energy and the willingness to ditch porn for ever and ever. I know now that I can do it. I have found peace at last, I only wanted to express my feelings and that's a lot after years and years of hiding :)