Breakthrough :)

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Submitted by Bucle on
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Well, an update to my personal story for all the people who have taken an interest in it (thanks to you all for the kind words and the advice, you have given me some very good insights)

My anxiety was just over the top today. I saw some pictures of the person I have strong feelings for in Paris with another man and I was diving deep into negative thoughts. The anxiety was building up like crazy within me. I just wanted to talk with her, I was missing her badly...

...And I have talked to her! I've posted a sad song which I wrote a long time ago (instrumental, no lyrics) on Facebook and she has inmediately seen it. She knows what this song means to me and has written a message of support. I have jumped right in and I have talked to her, I just needed it, I couldn't stand the separation any longer!

Well, we have chatted over Facebook for more than an hour. We have talked about our emotional blocks (she has also undergone some hard stuff and a difficult story). We have talked about things we haven't talked about in all the time we've known each other. We are at different stages in our personal paths but we both know what it feels to be blocked. It has been a bit of a shock to her knowing that my experience was similar to hers. It has probably been the more heartfelt conversation I have ever had with anyone. We both have been supportive of each other and we have said "I love you" to each other, we've been able to do that. Well, now, don't get me wrong, we are friends, very good friends, we understand each other. I know that she is not in love with me (in a passional, sexual way) but I know that she loves me as a very important person in her life. We both know how good an ally the other can be because at a deep level we understand each other. Now, perhaps she falls in love with someone else, perhaps she is not meant to be my partner but I just wanted to open up to her and this is what I've finally done today. We both know that we'll be there to support each other. Can this evolve to a sexual relationship over time? I don't know, perhaps it won't, but the spiritual connection is there and I have been able to ditch my block and open up and I tell you, I'm so very happy I have done that finally!

I know that it will hurt me if she finds someone else but I must accept life as it comes, I know now that I will never lose her as a close friend and ally and, at a spiritual level, this is so very important to me... It means a lot.

And by the way, she wasn't in love with anyone else, she just made a spiritual breakthrough in her life that has brought her a lot of peace. I will try to help her in her way as much as I can and I know that she will do the same with me. Really, now I just don't care that much about sex, the uncertainty is gone, the anxiety is gone, my soul is at rest. I have finally been able to tell her that I love her (no matter if as a partner or as a friend) and this is all I wanted to do and now I know that she loves me as well (as a friend but if this is what her heart tells her I must accept it). The future doesn't look so grim now.

And by the way, it's not only my emotional block what I am ditching right now. I can tell you that I have the energy and the willingness to ditch porn for ever and ever. I know now that I can do it. I have found peace at last, I only wanted to express my feelings and that's a lot after years and years of hiding :)

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Wonderful!

Sometimes that tension can be a message that we need to act. I'm glad you 'listened.'

I remember years ago a guy told me, "I realize that I tend to masturbate when I've had an opportunity to connect with someone during the day...but didn't take it." He didn't mean sexual connections, necessarily, but also social ones.

By realizing that, he gradually learned to take those opportunities when presented.

I'm very happy for you. But recognize that your mind tricked you into being absolutely 100% certain that she had a partner...when she didn't. So how can you be 100% sure what her "I love you" means? You may be right...but keep an open mind...because you may be wrong again. Wink

Well done!

Indeed!

I absolutely agree with what that guy told you. I normally used masturbation to sedate me, to try to turn my anxiety off, and that anxiety would normally come from lost social opportunities, I've been there.

You're also absolutely right about how my mind tricked me! The brainworms all over again. It was a mixture of my tendency to over-thinking and the deep negative train of thought that I have come to associate with relationships and me over the last 12 years. I might be wrong again but now it's more something like a feeling than like a thought. Right now I just feel her deep love as a friend. The difference with my previous state is that this doesn't fill me with anxiety, perhaps a little sadness but just a little. Now I can tell you that I'm happy because the connection is there and I have been able to make it. In fact, I have always given a lot more importance to the spiritual connection than to the sexual one and I do know that there is a spiritual bond between us and that we could work together in the process of growing away from our blocks and past problems... We still have a lot of work to do and I don't know what tomorrow may bring but, whatever may come, I'm not anxious, I'm calm and at rest. When I came here for the first time more than two years ago I didn't come because I was having problems in my relationship or because I had ED, it was all part of a soul searching process where I had to make clear once and for all what masturbation on a regular basis was doing to me. My bigger problem was the lack of connection between my brain and my feelings and the block to express those feelings. Yesterday I overcame the block and I expressed my feelings and I finally feel at peace with myself :)

...But, if you're right and I'm wrong again... life could be so wonderful that it would make me want to cry out of happiness!

Thanks again to this wonderful community and to your book "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow". They have both been a turning point in my spiritual self-discovery.