Hello fellow warriors,
I stumbled upon this page a couple of years ago in a period of deep personal turmoil and I discovered the reason why a lot of things (mainly love) were going wrong in my life. I read the magnificent "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow" and the inner search that I was trying to do up to that moment (which was in a complete mess) began to clarify and I began to see a path out of my turmoil.
To make a long story short, I'm 37 years old, from Spain and I almost haven't had any relationship with any woman up to now. I think I'm average looking (probably not quite handsome but I don't think there's anything seriously wrong with me) I try to stay fit and practice sport, I don't drink or smoke, I think I'm slightly intelligent and sensitive and I enjoy creative work a lot (I write and arrange songs in a band). I had a couple of experiences but they went wrong. This was specially intense with the first one. I met that girl when I was 25 and she had issues due to a dramatic personal story (his father was a police man but also a drug dealer and she found this out at the age of seventeen and through the papers). My personal story wasn't easy neither as my father suffered from schizophrenia and my mother, as a result, was in an almost continuous state of anxiety and depression. The communication between the two of us wasn't easy at all and, though I was really in love with her, I felt that I just crambled and I experencied a panick attack which led to a depression and to the break-up of the relationship. The strain that I had gone through and the subsequent state of depression left me with a phobia towards relationships or any emotionally intimacy with a girl I liked.. Any time I met a girl for whom I would have developed a crush in the past and for whom I would have tried to do something about it the only thing that came up now was fear and a disgusting wall of apathy and coldness which was raising against my will (feeling like some kind of alien).
I started masturbating quite early and I discovered pornography at age 14 more or less with my friends. By the time I was 13-14 I started masturbating quite frequently, most of the times using my imagination but as I grew older some pornographic movies were available from time to time. After my big crash with my first girlfriend internet came into my house and that's were the PMO kicked in. In the depressed state in which I was sometimes I had nothing else to do than stare at the screen and masturbate for hours. The depression was cured but I thought that there was nothing wrong with masturbation and I went on. Then I knew another wonderful girl with whom I started to date. Again, she had issues due to a previous abusive relationship and my fears were all there making me an insecure and anxious mate. Sometimes I thought that I didn't have any feelings at all, sometimes it hurt so much to think that she would move away from me and leave me. I didn't know what to do. She moved on and started going out with another boy and I lost contact with her. I was destroyed. Five years later she contacted with me again and we started seeing each other but she only wanted a friendship. I was still in love but it turned into fear again and my soul was again under very deep distress. In the end she did exactly as she had done five years before and hooked up with another guy losing any kind of contact with her.
This is where I decided to take action. I said to myself "you've got a pornography addiction and you should do something about it". I found this wonderful page, I started reading blogs, the book and everything made sense to me. Now I masturbate less frequently, I have found programs to effectively block pornography and I've achieved periods of no masturbation which go from one month to a couple of 90 days (one last year and one just now). As soon as I fix a couple of things I want to go for the 120 days in a row but, again, I'm in emotional turmoil during these days.
I met a girl a year ago and I really fell for her. But after a couple of weeks the paralyzing fear took over me. I've been working with my masturbatory addiction and, though it helps, probably in my case there are more things in the picture because my phobia is terribly strong. We are friends and we communicate and see each other from time to time. The situation has been going on for a year and now I'm afraid she has found someone else. It's like the same story going all over and over again and I don't know what to do to stop it, get out of this, and have a really deep and intimate relation with someone I really love. Remember that I'm already 37 and I'm so tired of all those frustrating years behind me.
Now I feel weak and alone. I don't think I have anyone to talk about my masturbatory issues and it is not always easy to talk about your fears. On top of this, my social life is not very exciting and I really don't have many friends. I've read things form very courageous people in here willing to live life to their true potential and now I would try to share my thoughts and my struggles so as not to feel so alone. It's always easier and nicer if we all cooperate.
A big THANK YOU for this incredible page, for listening to me and for letting me be part of this journey. Since it is my first time I don't know if there is a specific category for this blog entry, so I'd like a bit of help from moderators for my posts in the future.
Thank you and keep fighting and struggling for true love in your lifes.