Well, I think it's sort of official now :(

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Submitted by Bucle on
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Tomorrow I was supposed to meet the girl for whom I have feelings again... after two months and a half... it won't be possible. She has just sent me an e-mail in which she says that she is extremely busy and she won't make it. She has to work a lot now but I also think that the rest of the time is spent in her new relationship. She was studying to finish a master and she has confessed that she is well below the schedule she had planned and, probably, the master will suffer because of it (this is something which has happened in her studies a lot of times before). She has told me that next weekend she's going to Paris, a place where she has never been before, and I'm almost completely sure that she is going with him. She has also told me that her anxiety (which was in low levels a few months ago) is raising a bit and she does not want it to happen... It could be due to all of her work schedule and her new relationship... in the conventional way that we all know. Perhaps she has found her Mr. Grey but she is being really secretive about it... but it fits with her way of being so I must not be surprised. What I do know is that she is in love and you can trust me, I may be a man but I have also got those intuitions and I rarely fail. She says that she is really sorry, that we will meet again but she doesn't know when (perhaps it will take months). I feel that she doesn't want to lose me but I have clearly seen that I'm no more than a friend for her, probably a really good friend with whom she can talk but a relationship is out of the question.

She has also told me that she is happy for me for the breakthrough I'm making and she is really glad that I have finally told her about my fears since she had already noticed something (and I knew that she had noticed it... I feel that my block has taken its toll on the opportunity of being with someone really special one more time)... I think it's a question of time that she finally makes it public but I have already decided not to look for clues on her Facebook any more, even not looking at Facebook at all for that matter... I'm really down, but I must feel the loss (again) and just let go, no more hopes of her not being with someone, it would only hurt me even more... I must let it sink in and... accept it. Hard times come ahead as I try to cope with the loss, my fears, the anxiety and I try to kick once and for all the porn habit from my life... I'm not religious but in times like this is when I feel like saying "May God help me". The positive thing is that I know that I haven't lost her as a friend and that she still cares about me... Even if I must admit that I can't still love her as a possible partner, I know that I can help her a lot in the future as a friend (and perhaps she will need that help as I think she's heading towards one more conventional relationship) and that she really values that. Also, I regret my block during a whole year but I hope that in the long term she really gets to know the real me even though she is in love with someone else. I feel like I've been kind of cheating her and I want to make up for it.

Apart from this I'm trying to be strong. I stick to my agenda, no PMO ever again and I'll continue fighting against my fears (and I think that I have already won some battles).

Again, thank you for reading. Maybe this had to be my path in love-life... I just wish it hadn't been so thorny, long and with almost no flowers.

Comments

Your doing well

this addiction robs us of many opportunities for love. I know it hurts but you have to use this as a chance to remind yourself where you been. And use that pain as motivation to never use porn again. stay true to no pmo and get through this. so next time you can be one that gets the girl. best wishes

~L4L

I didn't know anything about Meet Up

so thanks a lot for the information. Right now I'm dealing with the loss. Well, it's not totally a loss since she has expressed her wish to continue with our friendship and with our communication and she has excused herlsef as it is impossible for her to find time now to meet me... We'll keep in contact through messages on Facebook though it's a social media I try to avoid right now because I fear that in a short time pictures of her with her new boyfriend will begin to pop up and it will really hurt... There are a couple of things that make me wonder though... She was totally into the 50 Shades of Grey trash and she expressed her wish to find "someone as free and mentally balanced as Grey" (note that she knows absolutely nothing about oxytocin, dopamine, karezza or anything outside "conventional" sex). She has told me that her anxiety levels are rising up a bit and I know that her life is far from calm or quiet now, she is in a kind of whirlwind made up of work, family issues and her new relationship and she strives for some time to relax and for herself. Also, it's quite probable that her studies will suffer a bit because of all of this... If it was me in this relationship I would make sure she would continue with her studies and I would try to bring calm into her life and not a "Greyish" vortex of powerful passion (with the after effects she doesn't know but we are all too aware round here...). And I don't think that her new relationship knows anything about karezza, this is so unknown in Spain... I feel like the keeper of an enormous secret round here.

It hurts, it comes in waves. When I feel sad and I miss the lost opportunity I'm glad that at least I'm connecting with my inner feelings though the ones I'm having now are painful. I've been disconnected from my true self during too much time and now, if I feel lonely, I just try to face the feeling without shunning it outside... Sometimes I feel a bit of disconnection but it is like my soul is resting for a bit and when I feel strong again the lonliness and the sadness comes again, like it's too much to take in one session and it is being spliced up. But whenever I think of her... it just hurts.

This weekend I'll be busy playing the guitar in an amateur musical production for which I have written three songs (this will be on Friday and on Saturday). On Sunday I'll go outside with my bike. There's a teacher where I work who also likes going by bike and she has told me that she will give me information of mountain bike gatherings so that we can go together. I'll give the Meet Up a try. It turns out that there are several groups in Barcelona (just 25 kilometres away from where I live) and some of them look really interesting. I'm going to have a really long weekend at the beginning of November and probably I'll go and visit some place where I've never been before (I'm thinking about Prague). And, most importantly, it's quite probable that I will spend my whole Christmas away in Italy. Italy has always been a magical place for me where I have always had a great time and met interesting people (in fact, I met the girl I have kind of "lost" in Sicily). This is going to be very important for me as all my Christmas have always been exactly the same and I wouldn't be able to stand one more Christmas with my family... it's like nothing ever happens in my life while people around me have relations, get married, have children... I'm going to stay away from all of it for the first time in my life, I need a break.

Apart from this, today marks my second PMO free week. I had a relapse last Saturday looking at pictures of naked women for a long time and verging on orgasm twice but apart from this the rest of the time I've been clean. No matter what the future will bring my decision is quite strong, no more PMO, no more blocks and no more fear, just a "fight" attitude to free myself from my blocks. The toll they have already taken is just too big.

Thanks again for all the information, help and support you're giving me :)

Just a short update

I've been one whole week without looking at Facebook for fear of seeing pictures of her with her new boyfriend in Paris the last weekend. It's been a horrible week. I've cried, I've broken down, I've felt miserable, I relapsed during the weekend, I was full of anxiety...

...I've logged in today... I've seen pictures of her in Paris... with a very good female friend of hers and no one else... It's like the Green Day's song "Basket Case": "Sometimes I give myself the creeps, sometimes my mind plays tricks on me." Am I going paranoid? Is it all a case of "brainworms". Well, I must say it's not official now, as far as I know she could be wanting to be with somebody because of the Facebook messages (and the Grey references) but there's no physical evidence that she has known someone new... It's just amazing what anxiety and a history of emotional blocks and hardships can do, just amazing... I've been through hell and perhaps for no reason at all and I'm already 37 and some people consider me mature... You can never overestimate what the brain and a badly cooked "neurochemical soup" can do to you... amazing.

Tomorrow I'm going to my psychiatrist, I really need to work on my anxiety issues...

Question

Why are you not contacting her to clarify your feelings for her? Why are you assuming you need a doctor instead?

Just curious....

You're absolutely right there

but I had this appointment with my psychiatrist made three weeks ago so it's just by coincidence that it is coming now. As far as contacting her to clarify my feelings this is something I would rather do face to face and it's been since late August that I've been trying to meet her but she just keeps postponing it. I know that right now she's working a lot and she has to study (plus, she may or may not be having an adventure, this whole thing is beginning to resemble "Schrödinger's cat" experiment...). Anyway, I'm keeping the contact through messages and I'm being more and more open every time. I just don't want to give all the information in one cold written message, I need to see her. She also wants to keep in touch and has told me so but I'm not going to put more pressure on her to meet, right now I prefer that she finds the time to meet me when she feels it's the right time.

...and I will try not to get so paranoid from now on...

Oh, by the way, I've followed the advice of doing more physical exercise and it works really well with anxiety. I'm doing sit-ups, push-ups and some weight lifting and it works pretty well on me!

I was thinking

would it be possible to just be friends with her without revealing your feelings outright? Maybe she's not completely ready for that so she's shutting down by not being so responsive, but instead you can just be real cool and friendly with her until she warms up to you.

In Eastern culture, there's the analogy of a person either being like a cup either turned upside down and not able to receive water, or right side up, ready to receive water. The closed cup will shut down because she's not warmed up to you yet. She hasn't fully understood yet how you can relate to her and be a true pal, companion. The open cup has been warmed up by you, and she'll be thrilled to have you. Sometimes, her openness is somewhat in your control, and sometimes her circumstances aren't right. But by being friendly and texting her just to ask her how her day is going and making a little haha joke here and there, I'd say you have a good chance. Plus, she's in Paris! She will be thrilled to just chat with you about her experience there and all the cool things she's doing. All you gotta say is, "uh huh, yeah, wow those are incredible experiences! You are real cool for doing this!" or something. Bud, I wouldn't know for sure, but I think you can swing this campaign in the right direction.

IMHO

she has probably given up on you, and if you want her to take your courtship seriously, you'd better do something out of the ordinary to get her attention.

Can you just tell her you're going to be in her town and that you have tickets to  [something] and you want her to join you because you have had an insight about your friendship? Or something that feels "right" to you? Be bold. Don't sit around waiting for her to find someone else so you can go back to your routine.

Good

First of all

thanks a lot to all of you for the interest you're taking in my case and for the advice, this is a great community indeed!

Well, I positively know that she is very busy with her work and trying to finish a master (I think that the deadline is November). In her last message she said that she really wants to see me and keep in touch and that we must talk more in depth about what I'm going through and that she is very happy that I'm finally opening up (about my anxiety issues, not about my feelings towards her). The problem is that I feel that there is a connection between us, she has said that we understand each other more than once. It's not like she's being cold with me, she's just busy, perhaps also because of a relationship, I don't know. But so far we have been good friends and so far she has seen me blocked (except from the first days in Sicily where I wasn't blocked). We've known each other for more than a year now so it is not like I've got nothing to lose, there is a very good friendship at stake and I don't want to lose it whatever may come. I know she is special, I have only fallen in love twice in ten years and I think that this time is even stronger than the last one. Perhaps she has never thought of me as a possible partner but she really considers me a good friend.

What if I make a bold move? She has clearly expressed her intention of seeing me but she just doesn't know when will she have the time. Also, I've just sent her two messages as the "new" me. I want her to see the change for herself before opening up more and I also want to explain her why I have been one whole year blocked. If I make a bold move out of the blue it could be too strange and startling to her and I can ruin a very good friendship... On the other hand, either she is not in a relationship or she is keeping it as a very big secret. We talk about a lot of things, she could have told me that she's found somebody new... So I'm still walking on the tightrope. On Saturday 20th I'm playing a concert in Barcelona and I will send her an invitation. If I haven't known anything about her in a week I will call her... But she has said that she wants to see me... a bold move would be like not trusting her word... And anyway, if I have lost her as a possible partner I lost her to a new relationship a month or so ago. I must still hold on with the uncertainty, I really value her friendship so as to make anything harsh (it wouldn't matter much to me if she was someone I have just met) And I know she also values our friendship... It's all being a bit tough right now...

OK, all that makes sense

But if you see her at your concert...flirt with enthusiasm...at least with your eyes and smiles. Be radiant and warm, and let her know you are looking forward to seeing her when her schooling allows it.