Tomorrow I was supposed to meet the girl for whom I have feelings again... after two months and a half... it won't be possible. She has just sent me an e-mail in which she says that she is extremely busy and she won't make it. She has to work a lot now but I also think that the rest of the time is spent in her new relationship. She was studying to finish a master and she has confessed that she is well below the schedule she had planned and, probably, the master will suffer because of it (this is something which has happened in her studies a lot of times before). She has told me that next weekend she's going to Paris, a place where she has never been before, and I'm almost completely sure that she is going with him. She has also told me that her anxiety (which was in low levels a few months ago) is raising a bit and she does not want it to happen... It could be due to all of her work schedule and her new relationship... in the conventional way that we all know. Perhaps she has found her Mr. Grey but she is being really secretive about it... but it fits with her way of being so I must not be surprised. What I do know is that she is in love and you can trust me, I may be a man but I have also got those intuitions and I rarely fail. She says that she is really sorry, that we will meet again but she doesn't know when (perhaps it will take months). I feel that she doesn't want to lose me but I have clearly seen that I'm no more than a friend for her, probably a really good friend with whom she can talk but a relationship is out of the question.
She has also told me that she is happy for me for the breakthrough I'm making and she is really glad that I have finally told her about my fears since she had already noticed something (and I knew that she had noticed it... I feel that my block has taken its toll on the opportunity of being with someone really special one more time)... I think it's a question of time that she finally makes it public but I have already decided not to look for clues on her Facebook any more, even not looking at Facebook at all for that matter... I'm really down, but I must feel the loss (again) and just let go, no more hopes of her not being with someone, it would only hurt me even more... I must let it sink in and... accept it. Hard times come ahead as I try to cope with the loss, my fears, the anxiety and I try to kick once and for all the porn habit from my life... I'm not religious but in times like this is when I feel like saying "May God help me". The positive thing is that I know that I haven't lost her as a friend and that she still cares about me... Even if I must admit that I can't still love her as a possible partner, I know that I can help her a lot in the future as a friend (and perhaps she will need that help as I think she's heading towards one more conventional relationship) and that she really values that. Also, I regret my block during a whole year but I hope that in the long term she really gets to know the real me even though she is in love with someone else. I feel like I've been kind of cheating her and I want to make up for it.
Apart from this I'm trying to be strong. I stick to my agenda, no PMO ever again and I'll continue fighting against my fears (and I think that I have already won some battles).
Again, thank you for reading. Maybe this had to be my path in love-life... I just wish it hadn't been so thorny, long and with almost no flowers.