We have had several good weeks of almost daily bonding, and last night we had conventional sex. The last time we had sex, I tried to take the Karezza approach and keep it slow and un-aroused. It did not work out so well, and afterward my wife mentioned that she was uncomfortable because I was trying something different and she really did not know what I was doing. I decided that I will not try that again until we have explored those ideas together and she is more on the same page.
This time (one month later) I decided the better approach would be to move forward with conventional sex, but just try to keep myself relaxed and hold back from orgasm if I could without throwing her too far off. I would say it worked out pretty good. She was very aroused and had a normal orgasm, but I was able to stay much calmer. Because there was the normal “aroused movement” I did not last long before I ejaculated. It was interesting though, because it was not like any orgasm I have ever had. While she was aroused and moving, I was still calm and focusing on relaxing my root. The orgasm happened in a kind of relaxed wave. I had to think for a minute or two before I was sure I actually had come. I certainly did not experience the dramatic build of tension and explosive release. Seems like a step in the right direction to me… especially for this stage of our journey where my wife is not onboard.
I resisted my typical urge to strike up a conversation this morning and analyze how everything went. Eventually, however, she brought the subject up. She said that she felt like last night was really different. Even though it has been several weeks, she did not feel pressure or expectations. She also said that while we were making love, she felt like I was not taking from her to fill my own needs; and she was not simply fulfilling her obligation to sleep with me. She said she has never in her life felt like this before. This kind of blew my mind because we have not been taking about this at all. I have been working on these things completely on my own, yet she articulated them almost perfectly. Simply amazing.
We talked about how for most of our marriage there has been a gap between my expectation for sex and her ability to “perform”. We have always kept track of that gap and labeled it with the weeks that have passed. Once the gap hit 3 or 4 weeks, the tensions overflowed and we ended up in a very negative place. We would have sex to try and fill the gap back up, and that never feels good. We talked about how things are different now and how that gap has kind of disappeared. For whatever reason (I know exactly why :) ), even though weeks have passed the usual gap did not surface. We had sex and we were not trying to “fill anything back up”.
Again, I resisted the urge to dive into Karezza and pull out the whiteboard… I did say that I have been on a very personal yet powerful journey over the past few months and a lot has changed inside me. I told her that I hope to share more as the time is right, but for now I love so much hearing that she is noticing the change. I left her with saying I have really enjoyed our bonding and I want her to feel free to keep reaching out and touching me without the expectation or pressure that it will lead to sex.
We are in a good place. Moving forward, I want to figure out how to keep this positive momentum that we have built. It does seem, however, that the more you try to hang onto it the more those expectations resurface. I know sticking with the daily bonding is critical, and I think I just need to trust that the sex will happen and I will know when the time is right to lean into it.