Goals vs. Hopes

Submitted by bwh on
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Part of the foundation for Karezza is removing all performance goals from sex. That has been the catalyst for all the change that has happened in my life over the past few months. From reading stories here, reading books, and several other sources, I was able to reframe my mindset and remove the goal of “having sex with my wife”. Once my mindset shifted, it was like a whole new world opened up. I reread the books and found an entirely new dimension. Over time, my relationship with my wife has reached a new level I was previously unaware of.

The pattern of my disappointment and insecurity from her rejecting my advances has vanished because I have been able to realize that she is not responsible for my sexual fulfillment. I am a complete, grounded person and out of that sexual intimacy can flow. The flow shifted from an inward pulling to an outward flowing. This was marked by me being able to let go of believing “I need her to have sex with me”.

Just to be clear though, my desire for sex with my wife has not diminished at all. It has simply changed. My definition of sex is no longer what it used to be, marked by a climax. My definition of sex now aligns much more with expressions of intimacy that do not look or feel any certain way.

All that said, I am starting to see that there may be a little room for goals, or some definition of that word. Her history is one of sexual abuse. The first decade of our marriage was an intensive struggle to build any form of a physical relationship. We have turned a corner in that regard, but we have sex only every 3 or 4 weeks. I don’t think this is a healthy pattern and I believe that more frequent sex would be good for our entire family. It is a “goal” of mine to have more frequent sex and I do not want to simply discard that.

Perhaps hope is a better word. Once a week feels right in my mind… I hope to have the freedom to share sexual intimacy once a week with my wife. When we arrive there, it will be a big milestone and I will celebrate it. At the same time, there must be caution to not let that hope become a performance goal. It is a fine line to walk.

I know a lot of this is simply semantics. I don’t imagine Marnia or anyone else here would recommend abandoning the hope of a better future. I don’t know if keeping this goal in my sights is a good thing or not, but for now I am going to hang onto it.

What I am feeling makes a lot more sense in my mind than it does written out!!!




as you continue your new appreciation of all intimacy with her, she, too, will start to see intercourse as nourishing, such that greater frequency will feel right.