A Great Conversation

Submitted by bwh on
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Just a quick check in. We have finished our two weeks with sex off the table and I am a little anxious to see how the dynamic changes. To be honest, I wish sex was still off so that we can really grow into each other in our new found physical affection. I feel relaxed and at peace and I just want to stay in that place.

A few days ago she came up to me and said that it has been a really great few weeks. She said that she really enjoyed kissing me and she thinks that not having sex looming helped. She also said that she is excited about kissing me more. I can not express enough how big a step that is… a month ago I would have never thought those words could be a part of our marriage. I knew the bonding behaviors would have a positive effect, but I was thinking months ahead. For this dramatic of a change to happen in a few weeks is simply amazing.

I took the opportunity to tell her how I was feeling as well. That I have really committed to changing my heart and that I have realized that I want her, not sex with her. I told her that my days of “hungry, needy desire for sex” are over. I told her that I want her days of “it’s been too long so I really need to sleep with him” to be over as well. We are not going back there. It was a really great moment.

That said, the past few days she has still been a little stand-offish. I sense a resistance in her body to touch and kiss. We had a great first week, a down second because of sickness, and now we are heading into the third week. I think we are both feeling each other out and I know that I am still earning her trust. I think that she realizes how much of an impact the daily bonding has, but it still does not feel entirely comfortable to her (and now the possibility sex has re-entered the picture).

I am hesitant to start up any more “discussions”. We talked at the beginning, and had the conversation I just recapped, but I have not initiated any other discussions on the subject. I really just want to keep doing what I am doing and let things happen as they do. I am, however, wondering if there may be some value in re-addressing sex and just setting it aside for a while longer.

Also, I am kind of anxious about the next time we will have sex. I know what I want, I have been obsessing over this subject for a while now! Obviously she does not have any concept of these ideas other that my brief mention that I want to focus on less goal-oriented sex. In my mind it is a clear picture of slow sex, gentle touch, relaxed and aware, no climax (for me at least). That is so very different than how we have done it in the past, I am nervous to see how it plays out, me trying these new ideas without her really understanding what is going on. I think I need to relax and trust our instincts and not try to conquer it all at once.

Here are the two things I have been trying lately:
- Looking into her eyes. I try to look directly into her eyes as much as I can. When she is talking to me I Iook directly into her and try to open myself up through my eyes, kind of invite her in. I have really enjoyed it, she is just so beautiful when I focus on her like that. I don’t know if she has noticed, but I hope she is feeling more heard and valued.

- Passing energy. Frankly, this one feels a little weird to me but I am trying to lean into it. When we are next to each other, weather we are touching or not, I start by taking three or four deep breaths all the way into my belly to relax. Then I take a few more breaths trying to think about drawing my energy from my base up into my body. Next I take three or four more breaths while thinking about passing that energy to her. It has helped me relax and not think as much about progressing physically. A few times when we have been spooning, I have tried to think about the energy flowing back and forth between up. This is new territory for me, and I am still figuring it all out, but I think I am liking the way it feels!

… so much for a quick check-in

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My intuition

(which is far from perfect) is to continue to let those bonding behaviors work their magic and let her bring the subject up...or not. At least for now.

Your understandable anxiety and desire to see how the wind is blowing could inadvertently create pressure. Her nervous system is like a scared baby deer. It doesn't know whether to approach, freeze or run, and it will probably do some of all three for a while. Smile

So you just pilot the ship in a healthy direction with your subtle bonding cues. They work whether the person consciously realizes it or not, and they work better perhaps if the person doesn't consciously realize.

Good luck!

You could leave the ball in her court

I have found that the earning trust piece never ends. It's especially important during a "passion cycle", i.e. the week or two after one or both of us has an orgasm. What seems to have the most positive impact is when I let her know that what I want is the time with her, and that I'm 100% flexible about what we do with that time. Sex, no sex, it doesn't matter to me. I need to say that out loud because otherwise, she might think I'm not interested. It's not that I'm uninterested, it's just that I want to avoid any kind of pressure. Anyway, If I attempt to steer her towards sex, it will backfire most of the time (unless she's ovulating). What's more, the sex that happens naturally, when she's ready, is 1000 times better.

I have found myself slipping into wrong-headed thinking many times; making all sorts of justifications for why I should want and pursue sex more often, taking an active role in making it happen. But then I remind myself that she will always come around, in her own time, in her own way. As long as I am holding the space for it to happen (create time, opportunity, help her relax by helping out around the house, help her relax by rubbing her feet or just talking with her), she will come to me. Once we are both in a good head space, bonding regularly, and having gentle non-goal oriented intercourse, the frequency becomes more regular all on its own, without me trying to make anything happen; until one of us has an orgasm...then the whole thing starts over again.