Off Track

Submitted by bwh on
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After what I would consider a good few months, I am off track. We have been very inconsistent with daily bonding and just generally out of sync. Over the past few weeks, my contentment has shifted to angst and I have been much more on edge.

We had sex this weekend after about 4 weeks off. I was so tense that I barely “survived entry”. We both had orgasms, followed by a pretty big fight the next morning about sex then a generally crummy weekend.

I realize that any process of growth is going to have ups and downs, but I am pretty discouraged right now. I felt like I was in a very good place of contentment and being grounded. I have worked hard to re-frame my thoughts and perspective and have been inspired by the stories here of people doing it without their partners on board.

Now I feel like I am not cut out for it, like I can’t carry the weight of this journey alone. At the same time, I just do not think she is ready for more dialogue about the subject. I feel stuck, but I know I need to jump back onto the wagon and re-ground myself. Just not sure how to do it right now…

Sorry for the negativity, this is just the only place I have to talk it out. I do believe that this is the best path, and that there is a way for my wife and I to walk it. I am realizing that getting there is going to be a little harder than I first thought. I have transitioned from the sprint to the marathon!

Here is what I am wrestling with right now:

1) I have to figure out a way to get her on board with the daily bonding without nagging. I bring it up and we are good for a week or two then things drift away. Perhaps it is time for me to take more initiative and simply lean in even when she bristles. Daily bonding is absolutely the foundation and I do not believe karezza is possible (for us) without it.

2) I don’t even like saying it, but I feel like our frequency of sex needs to increase. Once a month seems to leave us always coming from behind. It is too spaced out to build any confidence, experiment or get in a groove. However, increasing frequency is simply not going to happen right now. I am not sure how to resolve this one.

3) To talk or not to talk… I am constantly torn between having a conversation or simply leading by example. So far, leading by example has worked, but I am becoming frustrated that I am working so hard and she really does not know what I am doing. A conversation could be good, or if could backfire.

4) I have to reground myself! I just reread my previous posts, and I want to reclaim where I was 2 months ago. When we had sex this last time, I felt like I had no control of myself, and I really did not like that feeling. I think it is back to the basics of deep breathing, relaxation, looking into her eyes and taking control of my own energy flow.

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Hey, I just want to let you

Hey, I just want to let you know I feel for you and understand your pain and frustration.

I have not been through your situation but I believe I am just a few months to a year behind you in my karezza evolution with my wife.

Not knowing if I should try to talk about it because of the feeling she might get of my manipulation or preaching my wisdom into redundancy is really understandible.

I have no solutions or direct suggestions other than to let you know I hear you. I also really understand your venting on this forum.. it feels so lonely pusuing this path when friends or especially your best friend .. your partner .. can't be there right now to listen.

Every situation is different but similar. At least this forum is here to support you. I know when I write something on here I can't wait to see some kind of response.. any response from another person helps even if it just to confirm there are actually other people out there who feel my discomfort and understand. Further help comes when sometimes suggestions by others make things a bit better or change my focus or perspective.

So I guess I will make a suggestion even though I said I had no direct solutions.. which I don't.. I wish I did.

There is a process called "what's at risk" and I don't really know if it cold help you to process some of this. Sometimes it just further enhances my need to act rather than be paralysed month after month.

For example.

What is at risk if I tell my wife about Karezza and my thoughts around wanting consistent increased bonding behaviors?

What is the worst that will happen? She will think I am nagging and needy and not want any bonding.

Then she will not want to try to be close with me anymore and I will be miserable.

On the other hand if I don't tell her my thoughts and feelings about wanting to pursue Karezza bonding behaviors consistently?

What is the worst that will happen? She will continue to not bond consistently and make other things her priority and intercourse will be further miles away for me and her.

Then she will not want to be further close with me and I will be miserable.

So this obviously isn't a "feel good" kind of exercise. In fact it is designed to create mental discourse or conflict.. so I will actually do something .. crack open something to create change.

When I see I am fucked .. or not fucked :) either way and miserable either way then I act.

For me this is important because I am patient and I will sometimes stay in a miserable limbo for months waiting for somebody else to act.. this is an unreasonable expectation on my part . If I want change I have to act when necissary.

Yes I still am very patient.. but that critical mass is reached when I realize the worst that could happen is already happening because I am doing nothing.. then when I realize if I do something the worst that could happen is right back where I am.. well then I do something.. I take the risk because I will only end up right back where I am.. but if my actions don't result in the worst outcome.. well that is positive change. That is what I want.. so either I stay the same or I create change for the better.

Ok.. so that may not have made any sense.. but it got your mind off your problems for a couple minutes :)

What is at risk

that makes perfect sense and sounds like a great way of analyzing things. I am going to have to sleep on it, but I have never approached things from that angle.

If I were you

I would try and get her on board. That's easy for me to say because I was successful at doing that with my wife. She was a little skeptical at first, but was open to listening. For me, I had to walk the walk too, it wasn't just talking the talk. But a combination of the two worked for us. I don't think we'd be where we are now if we didn't read together and talk about it. Talking doesn't work for some people; not talking doesn't work for some people. It just depends on the person.

The beauty of the information that's available is that it explains (in a more or less scientific way) what's going on inside our brains that makes this all so difficult. It also explains the state we want to get to and the neurochemistry behind that too. If you can get her to show some interest in this information, it's really helpful because it sidesteps the blame-game. It's not her fault that she's a mammal! (pm me if you want to know what materials we read besides CPA).

I completely agree about the importance daily bonding. Maybe try to use a variety of different bonding cues all the time. It's harder when it's not returned, but you can practice heart-centered mediation, control the tone in your voice, make eye contact, smile; give back rubs and foot rubs without expectations, etc. I try to look at these as opportunities to be with her the way I want to, and that they are complete experiences in themselves. Whether they result in sex or not doesn't matter as long as I'm enjoying them while they're happening. So even without direct snuggling, there is much that you can do to prime the pump.

As for the long intervals between sex, I hear you there. When that happens to me, I find it incredibly difficult too. This can happen to us after she has an O; it generally means no sex for at least 2-3 weeks. Longer if we're really busy. One thing I've tried (with some success) is to MO after 3 or 4 weeks of no sex (I have tried solo Karezza, which works for some, but that hasn't worked very well for me). It helps take the pressure off, as long as I don't get sucked in by the chaser. YMMV.

It is amazing how true the 2

It is amazing how true the 2 -3 week cycle is! It is reassuring to hear others are in the same place. My wife is convinced that 3 weeks is normal and just the way it is. After reading CPA, I understand why it is normal but also that we don't have to settle here.

This may actually be a good opportunity to bring the subject up. Our post-O fallout this weekend was so obvious that she may actually recognize that something is going on.