After what I would consider a good few months, I am off track. We have been very inconsistent with daily bonding and just generally out of sync. Over the past few weeks, my contentment has shifted to angst and I have been much more on edge.
We had sex this weekend after about 4 weeks off. I was so tense that I barely “survived entry”. We both had orgasms, followed by a pretty big fight the next morning about sex then a generally crummy weekend.
I realize that any process of growth is going to have ups and downs, but I am pretty discouraged right now. I felt like I was in a very good place of contentment and being grounded. I have worked hard to re-frame my thoughts and perspective and have been inspired by the stories here of people doing it without their partners on board.
Now I feel like I am not cut out for it, like I can’t carry the weight of this journey alone. At the same time, I just do not think she is ready for more dialogue about the subject. I feel stuck, but I know I need to jump back onto the wagon and re-ground myself. Just not sure how to do it right now…
Sorry for the negativity, this is just the only place I have to talk it out. I do believe that this is the best path, and that there is a way for my wife and I to walk it. I am realizing that getting there is going to be a little harder than I first thought. I have transitioned from the sprint to the marathon!
Here is what I am wrestling with right now:
1) I have to figure out a way to get her on board with the daily bonding without nagging. I bring it up and we are good for a week or two then things drift away. Perhaps it is time for me to take more initiative and simply lean in even when she bristles. Daily bonding is absolutely the foundation and I do not believe karezza is possible (for us) without it.
2) I don’t even like saying it, but I feel like our frequency of sex needs to increase. Once a month seems to leave us always coming from behind. It is too spaced out to build any confidence, experiment or get in a groove. However, increasing frequency is simply not going to happen right now. I am not sure how to resolve this one.
3) To talk or not to talk… I am constantly torn between having a conversation or simply leading by example. So far, leading by example has worked, but I am becoming frustrated that I am working so hard and she really does not know what I am doing. A conversation could be good, or if could backfire.
4) I have to reground myself! I just reread my previous posts, and I want to reclaim where I was 2 months ago. When we had sex this last time, I felt like I had no control of myself, and I really did not like that feeling. I think it is back to the basics of deep breathing, relaxation, looking into her eyes and taking control of my own energy flow.