After a great week of daily bonding behaviors, things really slipped away from us. The stresses of life crept in and slowly pulled us back apart, into our typical routines. It is interesting because my wife, after a week of daily bonding, made a comment about how great she was feeling and how she wanted to keep going. A few days later, it felt like none of it had ever happened.
I gave her space for a few weeks, really focusing back into myself and working on my internal intentions and mindset. That has been where the real transformation has taken place so far. After a few weeks, I felt like it was time to say or do something. I did not want to let that great week of bonding simply disappear into the past.
I wrestled with what to do for another week or so, just thinking about the best way to approach it and looking for good timing. I brought it up a few days ago. I just told her that the week we spent bonding was really special to me, and I know it was to her as well. I told her that I think our entire family was in a better place and I would really like to lean back into it.
At first she did not take the conversation so well. She felt like I was pointing out something else she is not doing good enough. To her credit, this is an old pattern in our marriage, years of her not being able to have sex and me saying I want to have sex. I tried to tell her that this is different. I am not talking about what she has or has not done, I am simply saying that we experienced something great and I think we would all benefit from giving it another shot.
She started to warm, and explained that there have been a lot of stresses the past few weeks, and when she is stressed she simply can not stand to be touched. The more times I reach out the more she tenses up and shuts down. She said that she knows the touch is not needy the way it has been in the past, but she still feels the same way. She genuinely wants to change, but she feels powerless to do so.
She also feels a little overwhelmed. The idea of touching every day is too much for her to think about. I reminded her how she felt after we did spend a week touching, and she admitted it was good. She said that she is ready to give it another try. She also said that she did not want to take sex off the table this time. I tried to assure her that I am no longer “driving” towards sex. That she can feel free to reach out to me and be intimate without me grabbing onto her. I told her that I would let her lead us into sex when she is ready.
She also mentioned that she was very uncomfortable the last time we had sex and I was trying to do it differently. She is just not ready for that and she really has no frame of reference for what I am even doing. I think she will be open to talking about karezza intercourse, but not at this point in time. I am going to stick with conventional sex maybe at a slowed pace, but nothing too dramatic.
So… I feel like we are finally settled into somewhat of a routine. I am hoping that the daily bonding sticks a little better this time. That is really the foundation for everything else. After about 3 weeks of no bonding, I am finding it much harder to be content with no sex. Last night she cuddled with me before bed and I was really pulled to her sexually. I had to work hard to breath deeply and relax to not be overwhelmed by it. I hope that the daily bonding will settle that drive and I can find that same peace and contentment I had a month ago.
Here’s to the long haul!