Two Weeks In

Submitted by bwh on
Printer-friendly version

After the conversation with my wife, she agreed to take two weeks without sex and commit to a little bonding touch each day with no lists, and no regular conversations about it. I was encouraged that she was open to hearing. Things were left a little less “structured” than I would have liked, but no big deal. I just need to sit back, focus on being relaxed and content, and give her the space to move in. My mantra is: “I Am Relaxed and Content.”

Right now, it is much more about adding bonding behaviors than reducing orgasms, we regularly go more than 2 weeks without sex so that is not a big leap. I do think it is significant though that the pretense for sex is removed.

The first week started off great She took a day or two to let the dust settle, the she moved in. Our general routine is to sit apart on the couch for the last hour of the day, then read a little in bed before we fall asleep with no touch between us. She is very protective of this routine and her space and is not open to me cuddling. It is her “wind down” time. Now she has started sitting right next to me while we are sitting in bed reading. I know this is a huge reach for her and she is really making an effort. My desire is for a little more intentional time of cuddle, but it is week one and I am “Relaxed and Content!” This is a major step.

She has also been intentional in kisses. We have had a few make out sessions, man… have not done that in YEARS! It feels really great. One morning she even rolled over to me, lifted her shirt and just let us have a great skin-to-skin embrace. I can not put into words how big of a shift this is for us. We have sex, then we keep our distance until we have sex again. Maybe a little kiss on the cheek out the door, but no real physical affection. It is all or nothing.

One night after she spent a few minutes kissing me, I had a huge smile on my face and I said: “You have to admit you are enjoying this at least a little”. She gave a grin and a shrug. I know she is working hard because I asked her to, and I would like to believe she is feeling something as well. I know she is enjoying the touch, but I am not sure if she is feeling any desire to do it or if that is simply her being committed to the two weeks. Time will tell.

Week two has been a little bit of a downer. She has had a few days of PMS, which for her is a “keep your hands off” attitude. That has been followed by a few days of her being sick and having a migraine. It has been 4 or 5 days since we have connected. I am just riding it out, I know she will feel better in a few days and I hope that she can remember what we were working on instead of just slipping back into the old routine. I am just going to let it play out and see if talking about it feels right at any point.

I also know that at some point soon sex will come back into the conversation. Honestly, I would rather just live here for a while longer and really let ourselves become comfortable with each other. I don’t feel any need to rush into sex, and if the freedom from it is helping her open up I do not want to take that away.

Perhaps I will, at some point, just give her the reins. Let her know how much I have loved connecting and that I am not feeling the regular “hungry drive” to have sex with her. I would much rather let our intimacy grow little by little and let the time just be right. When she is ready, I am ready. I am not sure when or how I can say that, but hopefully it will come in the days or weeks ahead.

Topic:

Comments

Healing anything is rarely linear

...which sucks. Wink But it sounds like you're taking a healthy, long-term perspective. "Gaps" like that give her nervous system time to integrate the fact that you really mean what you've said...which can pay big dividends down the line. So even the backward steps can be very beneficial, frustrating as they are.

Your story is inspirational

even considering the backsliding in the second week. I'm betting things will get better again in a few days.

"We have sex, then we keep our distance until we have sex again. Maybe a little kiss on the cheek out the door, but no real physical affection. It is all or nothing."

Similar situation for me. My wife usually watches videos on her computer in the evenings and goes to bed an hour or more later than I do, then she is sleeping when I wake up in the morning. So I don't get much cuddling time. Most of our physical contact comes during sex.

Maybe she goes to bed late partly to avoid me asking for sex during the week.

On those occasional days when I do get some snuggling in the morning, all is well with the world on those days. Smile

I feel inspired to try trading off sex for more snuggling time. Thanks for telling your story!